Evan Paris welcomes you to another Eurovisual feast.

This year we start with some waffle about how eveyone is on E, or something. It has to be said that our female presenter this year has a fantastic voice.
After wasting time with some satelite link-ups we get to the nitty gritty.

Cyprus 1pt
One - Gimme
Leather clad boy band. They sing in English. Ooh. A VT error interupts the spectacle. This has a good beat. Bit of a disco anthem of the early 80s variety: Holding Out for a Hero meets I Surrender. Key change to chant section where all instruments are out bar drums and vocals. Nice enough.

UK 2pts
Jessica Garlick - Come Back
Good name for the Buffy generation. "Both made some mistakes" sings she; one would perhaps be doing a ballad at Eurovision. This is the standard Dion thing. But with a sudden dramatic stop. And another. I can imagine that will get quite irritating by the second chorus. Nice shoopy backing vocals there and a good bridge, and then the stop again. Very irritating. Should've done it once at the end or something, but near the end it doesn't do it for a change. Then it does. Nearly goes Pink Floydy at the end. But the song stops.

Austria 0pts
Manuel Ortega - Say a Word
Robbie Williams job. In English. He's wearing a fish. Well a shirt with a fishy print. Sounds like a God-song or something. It certainly has a very repetitious chorus. Nasty early 90s thing, reminiscent of Things Can Only Get Better. 80s electro-pop middle 8. Key change.

Greece 3pts
Michallis Rakintzis - SAGAPO
This song follows a fairly novel postcard. We have an acronym here. Not sure what it translates as but it's apparently a password. We have a sub-Kraftwerk set-up here. Scary in an amusing way. 80s electronic thing. Brave. They're wearing a lot of padding - perhaps expecting trouble. The tune recalls Falco's Ammadeus. The vocalist is not the greatest ever but we have nice choreography at least. Oh, but now he's smiling. Not very robotic. Ruined his image now.

Spain 0pts
Rosa - Europe's Living a Celebration
Nasty title. Apparently the main woman here is an ex-Big Brother winner. We have a sort of Brotherhood of Abba Fizz thing here but with an additional main member adding heft. Sung in foreign bar the title. Sounds SClub7y. Not great. 90s chart pop but worse. Leather skirts. Could probably pair up with Cyprus.

Croatia 0pts
Vesna Pisarovic - Everything I Want
She's wearing a long strap on her left wrist. The music is ever so slightly dark. Late 80s / early 90s sub-Madonna. Like Like a Little Prayer only less good, obviously. Could theoretically chart. She has silver tinsel growing out of her armpits and her trousers are a little on the silly side. We have another one of those drums and vocals only moments.

Russia 0pts
Prime Minister - Northern Girl
White suited gangsta image. Hefty fellas with soft voices. Passenger style chord progression in the chorus. This is really off the shelf pop. The verse is dead. The chorus is ok but overall: dull. Now it's gone all Boyzone.

Estonia 0pts
Sahlene - Runaway
Another novel postcard gives way to this clappy jolly song. Yes, fair enough. Pleasant but with a very clichéd chorus evoking I Believe I Can Fly (which might be a crime in some countries). This is typical female-vocals pop. Key change is of the start stop start variety: "run away to the... (KC) run away to the stars..." You can hear that bloody song just reading it. This has nothing on Del Shannon. Or even Bon Jovi.

Macedonia 6pts
Karolina - Od Nas Zavisi
Ominous start (making copious use of obligatory breathy pan-pipe keyboard) and a decent 80s verse sung in foreign. The traditional latent guitar growls away in the background. Our vocalist rips off her Barbie style ballgown to reveal a hard gold bodice and a big red flared skirt. She'll probably take that off too soon. Breathy chorus is nice enough. Eastern influences there (always welcome). Nice vocal swivel. Is that the end? Oh. She didn't whip off the skirt.

Israel 0pts
Sarit Hadad - Light a Candle
Celine Dion look - there's always one. Scary clannadish build from foreign verse to foul English chorus. Nasty. Typical Israeli tripe. Whatever happened to the likes of Dana International? I see in the background that we have a pair of Electric Violin playing "babes". I must admit I have a thing for Jewish women. Surely there should've been a key change there... Odd end.

Switzerland 0pts
Francine Jordi - Dans le Jardin de Mon Ame
En French. She's dreaming of a garden. The chorus arrives in a rather odd way. Now we have 70s balladeering; Dan Hill would be proud. An inobtrusive little number is this. "You're the prettiest little flower / Your scent bewitches me."

Sweden 8pts
Afro-Dite - Never Let It Go
The preceding postcard suggests to me that Estonian women only have one breast. I doubt this. Ooh. explosion and bacofoil dresses. Dodgy move to chorus. Very 70s disco. Very Ottowan actually. Hands Up. English vocals. Ooh. Getting carried away. Bonus points for enthusiasm, and the closing Charlie's Angels style pose.

Interval, in which the presenters duet over a dodgy film. Aw. They then go off to have sex.

Finland 0pts
Laura - Addicted to You
The postcard featured a spot of full frontal nudity. The song doesn't though. We have an androgenous woman singing in English for this jazzy late 80s pop thing. Ok in an I Get So Emotional Baby kind of way.

Denmark 10pts
Malene - Tell Me Who You Are
Moody start and our singer moves to a new stage amidst the crowd. English lyrics to an 80s ballad. Fine. I quite like it really. Reminds me of Tell It To My Heart or whatever. Nice twiddle there. And only 15 years out of date.

Bosnia Herzegovina 0pts
Maja Tatic - Dvoje
Groovy little number. She looks like my sister (who'll kill me for that) and sings in foreign, Nice enough, with a shoopy bridge. English lyrics on the second run. Ok.

Belgium 0pts
Sergio and the Ladies - Sister
Hairy guitarist in background. Our lead vocalist looks like a trendy and young version of Van Morrison. This is a nasty and naff song and will do either very good or very bad. Hopefully the latter. Steve Wright would love this. Now it goes a bit Meatloafy. Ew.

France 12pts
Sandrine François - Il Faut du Temps
Moody start (again). We have a moderately good looking vocalist here which is unusual for a French entry. "Mr Gandhi is dead / Will he be for long?" Usual sort of power ballad really. Ooh. Nice mood change: minor. Very nice. Ooh. Key change and now she goes off on one. Nice and powerful.

Germany 0pts
Corinna May - I Can't Live Without Music
Yes. Gone are the days when Germany were daft. This is a blind woman with a look of Bette Middler, who is singing a rather crap song in English. Not very good. Euck. Key change. This is the favourite apparently. God.

Turkey 4pts
Buket Bengisu and Group Saphire - Laylaklar Soidu Kalbinde
You can always rely on Turkey to deliver that ethnic touch. Sung in foreign. Not bad, but could be better.

Malta 0pts
"Seven degrees, I'm down on my knees". English lyrics to a bouncy and jolly little SClub type thing. She digs into her (questionable) crocheted cat suit to springle some bits of metallic paper. Not sure why. Stop start moment. Ok.

Romania 0pts
Monica Anghel & Marcel Pavel - Tell Me Why
Sad piano intro. We have a cuddly woman in heavy make-up singing a duet with a rather weasely man. It has a slightly Eastern European touch, and English lyrics. A fairly ok ballad but nowt special. I think the women from Malta and Romania may have swapped places.

Slovenia 7pts
Sestre - Samo Ljubezen
A trio of transvestite air-hostesses. Novel. And a rather groovy chorus. Not at all bad really. And appropriately camp. Could've been better though.

Latvia 5pts
Marie - I Wanna
She looks like a cross between Boy George and the Man from Del Monte, and sings in English. There is a latin touch reminiscent of a Ricki Martin song or something. She dances with a flamencoish woman who steals her hat. Then the jacket comes off. Trousers next? No. Top. Now trousers, to reveal a skimpy pink dress. Bucks Fizz have a lot to answer for. The dress lengthens at the end in what was really a rather good clothing gimmick, up there with Slovenia.

Lithuania 0pts
Alvaras - Happy You
More crocheted outfits and a rather funky jumper around the body of a hirsute Ronan Keating wannabe. Sung in English, this sounds like an Erasure song. It's ok.

Here then are the votings from the AView jury:

Cyprus 1pt
UK 2pts
Greece 3pts
Turkey 4pts
Latvia 5pts
Macedonia 6pts
Slovenia 7pts
Sweden 8pts
Denmark 10pts
France 12pts

Europe had other ideas. Latvia won, with Malta second, Estonia third, UK fourth and France down in fifth.