Evan Paris watches the contest from the luxury of John Craven's barge in Sheffield.

After a plastecine beating heart we are introduced to our hosts, resplendent in fluffy blue outfits. Perhaps Eurovision is no fun anymore. Sticking to a post-Bucks Fizz cliché they rip off their outergarments to reveal the usual male and female flirtatious love/hate moronic presenting duo. Then there's a dull, jerky film, and a sat-link with Cyprus. Yawn. And then a link with the International Space Station, for reasons which aren't immediately clear. God.... Then... Elton John?!?

At long last... the first postcard. This year's theme... jerkiness. It makes me feel rather ill, and it's a good job I'm not an epileptic.

Iceland 8pts
Birgitta - Open Your Heart
Natalie Imbruglia-ish start. The mic stand here is interesting. Looks like a cross between a hoover and a standard lamp. Anyway... nice enough epic chorus here - very Helena's Box say JC... There's a fall out here for a split second - a trend that has emerged in recent years, and which will no doubt continue. The Middle 8 is heading into orbit. And then... the obligatory key change. That's all the necessary requirements for a Eurovision hit put firmly into the bag. Perfectly satisfactory epic pop-balladeering.

Austria 12pts
Alf Poier - Weil Der Mensch Zählt (Man is the Measure of All Things)
Sung in German. It's a comedy song. Slightly Scaffoldish. These must be the best lyrics this year: "Little rabbits have soft noses / and small cats have little paws". This daft early-Eurovision-style tune explodes into a heavy metal stabathon, then returns to a slightly more funked up version of the verse. Amusing backing dancers here too - picked for their Abba-iness, I think. Good start to the show so far...

Ireland 0pts
Mickey Harte - We've Got the World
Now you know before it starts that this'll be shite. Synth flute... The backing group are scantily clad, and the bloke at the front, who looks not unlike Alan Cummings, carries a green guitar. This is an awful, average ballad, complete with latin guitar twiddles in the background. Sickening. This is structurally similar to Iceland's entry, but the execution is nowhere near as good. There's the key change...

Turkey 1pt
Sertab Erener - Everyway That I Can
This is sung by a goofy woman who looks not unlike Juliet Landau (as Drusilla from "Buffy") in full vampire make-up. Appropriately Islamic in style. Not a great singer. Very much in the style of the more viscous girl-bands - the scarier ones. They're shaking their tits at us now. And now there's some messing about with big ribbons attached to the lead singer. A pseudo-rap moment is followed by a drumless bit - and lo; her bodice falls away revealing that the woman has (shock / gasp) a belly-button.

Malta 0pts
Lynn Chircop - To Dream Again
A woman pretends to play the piano. But soon has enough of that. She's wearing a pink chiffon rag, and voluminous pantaloons. This is a pretty average 80s pop-ballad (good lord). There was a weird bit just then where it sort of all fell away... and then a fairly timid key change - not nearly ostentatious enough. This is far too lazy really, this tune. No umph to speak of. Bit like Ireland...

Bosnia Herzegovina 0pts
Mija Martina - Could It Be?
Sung in foreign, this. There's a stab, and a chanting bit. This is loud and brash - like Davina McColl. Now the chorus - not unlike "Sex Bomb". The male backing singers have their arms folded, which is really not in the spirit of things. And now we have a screaming guitar solo. The relentless synth-bass is the saving grace of this song. Now the lyrics are in English. And here's the key change. One of the backing singers looks like she should've sung the Maltese entry. Another key change - ought to be rules about that sort of thing.

Portugal 0pts
Rita Guerra - Keep the Dream Alive
Like Tel, I miss the woman with the ukulele from days of old. This isn't a woman with a uke; JC thinks she looks like her out of "Sex in the City" but I'm not convinced. This is a bit of a lighter waver, this is. I thought I heard a bloke singing then but apparently it was her still - she does look a bit like Cher, actually.

Croatia 0pts
Claudia Beni - I Can't Be Your Lover
Stereolab plays over the postcard - almost certainly the best thing we'll hear all night. This is sung in foreign. Odd choice of outfit here: lots of little discs sewn onto a sports bra. Perhaps this is Daevid Allen inspired, though I doubt it. The backing singers wear chiffon rags (a popular choice, it would seem). Dull lyrics, and a descending chorus with no umph. The rags are discarded - Bucks Fizz have a lot to answer for. Now they're just in their bras (well not JUST...). They're also singing in English suddenly. Bilingual songs seem to be a growing phenomenon.

Cyprus 0pts
Stelios Constantas - Feeling Alive
Latin guitars again - with the obligatory dance beat. Clichéd latin-ish vocalist too. This is all sub-Ricky Martin, and sooooo last year. Time for a drink perhaps...

Germany 6pts
Lou - Let's Get Happy
Swinging disco number now... complete with colour-coded backing dancers. "Let's be happy and let's be gay". Gay... disco... I'm getting the handle of this vote... This woman has a sizable mouth... It's ok is this. Rather 70s feel, so about 10 years out of date fro Eurovision, but we all enjoy a bit of nostalgia... Nice idea but not really a great song. Minor bit now... descending. Sparkly end.

Russia 5pts
tATu - Ne ver', Ne Bojsia (Don't Believe, Don't Be Afraid)
Gosh... We're in the company of big stars here... Well little stars... little lesbian stars... Wonder if they'll do some naughty hot lesbian action on the stage? Well it's hardly that song with them in their wet school uniforms... That one was rather good in its own way. This one is less so. The dark haired member of the duo looks not unlike a Troll (TM). She also looks somewhat zonked out. This is a bit dull. Ok for a quiet moment down the club, but essentially filler material. They're singing in foreign, for the record... This is a repetitive tune, but the repetition is actually one of the track's stronger points, rather than a negative. The crowd are strangely hostile to this entry.

Spain 0pts
Beth - Tell Me
I find these postcards nigh-on unwatchable. Anyway... more latin guitar here. La Isla Bonita? The lyrics are in foreign. And tonight, they've gone with Chorus #5. Boring. Clichéd lyrics too. Weird bit followed by key change. The key change was somewhat hidden there... like it was ashamed or something. There's been a bit of that going around.

Israel 10pts
Lior Narkis - Words for Love
Can't say that we vote politically, if we're giving Israel 10pts. There's a post-Tatu school uniform thing going down here. Ha! - this track raises a titter, somehow. It's the bouncy 70s tune and the backing vocalists... who have now ripped off their shirts - I ought to deduct points for that really. The first couple of lines of the chorus are in English but everything else is in foreign. The vocal arrangements are rather well constructed. There's a nice, sleazy bit here, and then a key change.

While the Latvians are treated to adverts for shoes and bread, we get the presenters farting about... and what's this? - Another eccentric couple out in the green room. These are better than the main two. They seem more normal. Interesting to note that the official website has a Tuvan address. That's what Eurovision needs: a bit of throat singing.

Holland 4pts
Esther Hart - One More Night
Not Phil Collins, thankfully. One of the backing dancers is rather large, which is a nice touch. I heard this song in 1987. It's really familiar cos it's been cut out of lots of other songs. I mean... most of these songs are painting by numbers things... but this is more of a collage. Very Bon Jovi middle 8. And the drums shouldn't really fall out there, cos it just makes it sound like the drummer had an aneurysm and keeled over, or something. Key change... s'ok.

UK 0pts
Jemini - Cry Baby
Very short skirts - barely legal. Is she singing to the same tune that's playing behind her? She seems a tone or two off... The whole song does actually. Rather odd. But enough... for the legs are the attraction here. We also have a chiffon rag outfit, for any completists out there. This song is repetitive, but unlike Tatu's effort, it is also dull. And can I hear a bit of latin guitar... god I hope not.

Ukraine 0pts
Olexandr - Hasta la Vista
Ooh god... This fella has the voice of E L Whisty. Nasty... There are gymnasts in the background, presumably to distract us from this naff song, and this rather creepy man. The song is lacking in Terminator imagery. The dancers have New Romantic hair and make-up, and there's a familiar (ie stolen) middle 8. That sounded like a dodgy note on the piano, though I expect it was deliberate... and then we have a false end, followed by that all important key change. The bloke, incidentally, looks like a cross between Anthony Worral-Thompson and Krog from "The Kingdom". This is the debut entry for the Ukraine.

Greece 0pts
Mando - Never Let You Go
Oooh. Black leather... and much cleavage... golly... The woman also has a Cher-ish head. What's that tune? Something from the mid-80s. A flappy, lousy 80s ballady thing. Uninteresting really. But now she's having a vocal spasm, and here's a simple guitar solo.

Norway 0pts
Jostein Hasselgard - I'm Not Afraid To Move On
It's a man on a piano. And he doesn't have a great voice. It's someone else's tune too... a generic 70s piano ballad (ie Elton John). Perfectly good at what it is (ie crap). Well, Norway has a reputation to live up to. But while I find it crap, the Eurozone voters will no doubt lap it up. Minor section post-Beatles swirly chords are accompanied by matching camera work.

France 0pts
Louisa Baileche - Monts et Merveilles (The Moon and the Stars)
Performing bare-foot (another bloody rip-off), and singing in French. This is the usual French ballad fare, straight from the Celine Dion box. From some angles she looks like Tracy Emin. And now - a bongo break. Bit Turkish in a way.

Poland 0pts
Ich Troje - No Borders
A song against the union-breaking, anti-competitive American book-store. They aren't so bad though... with their wine tasting events et al. This song, on the other hand, is a nasty thing indeed. Sung in Polish, German and Russian, for the record (and indeed for the Eastern Bloc vote). The lyrics are about peace and happiness: "No borders... no countries... no wars". Europe is traditionally big on such notions (musically) - remember the Scorpions and their nasty bout of wind? Musically this is a rather sickening M/F duet. Add into the mix his dove-encrusted outfit and the lyrics, and the vomit can barely stay down. And now... just to make sure our stomachs are fully pumped, here is an invisible choir effect on the chorus. Key change, and now he's out on the cat walk. Friends Will Be Friends...

Latvia 0pts
FLY - Hello from Mars
Two men in white (one with a silly voice) and a woman (also in white). Chorus now... jolly enough. Get a decent producer and this could be a glam or new wave classic, depending on which way you go with it. But at the moment, it's far too clean and Eurovisiony. There's a song buried in here though. And a hint of "Like a Prayer" there, just. Key change.... This song isn't living up to its potential. It ends with the "Dead Ringers" stab.

Belgium 2pts
Urban Trad - Sanomi
This one is sung in an imaginary language, for reasons unclear. And there's a touch of the Turkish. A rather unconventional vocal line there, which would fare better if her voice had a little more character to it. Then comes bagpipes and an accordion. This is ok so far. John Craven reckons they look like a younger Llefrith. They sound a bit like one too.

Estonia 0pts
Ruffus - Eighties Coming Back
Sounds like an updated version of a Sade cast-off. Ye gods. "The 80s coming back"; yes... right... well done... And this was all that was bad about them (this and Thatcher). Did it just get quieter? The rest of Eurovision is also 80s, yet a damn site better than this jazzy Claptonish shite.

Romania 0pts
Nicola - Don't Break My Heart
Some big discs that are meant to be over-sized records are being played by some mock DJ. Why? God knows... There's a fairly modern feel to this, given that it's Eurovision. Now someone in a tutu is on a stage... Perhaps misunderstanding Russia's entry. This has those brash sequenced arpeggios that've been popular for a few years now. But lyrically/vocally it's still pseudo-Dion: all shouty balladry. Nasty eye-makeup too, but if you will use the Romanian flag as a basis...

Sweden 3pts
Fame - Give Me Your Love
Sweden rarely let us down. But this is a M/F duet... with a 90s Take That beat. Ew. Sequenced synth-trumpet leads us into a better chorus - rather good chorus as they go. But nothing mind-blowing. Someone's let the guitarist piss about in the background now. Brian May has a lot to answer for - put him in the same oubliette as Bucks Fizz. Drums out for a quiet middle 8, then another closet key-change. Stabby there, at the end.

Slovenia 7pts
Karmen - Na-Na-Na
Classic Eurovision title, and a decent enough start. 80s pop in the Olivia Newton John mould. The chorus is more 70s than 80s, and if the arrangement was a little more ostentatious I'd've guessed that this was Sweden's entry. But there you go. "Judy in Disguise" bass line, but the synths are too weak. There's a very obvious, proud, and firmly out key change, and this is true Eurovision.

So there you go.
The votes of the AView jury are:

Austria 12pts
Israel 10pts
Iceland 8pts
Slovenia 7pts
Germany 6pts
Russia 5pts
Holland 4pts
Sweden 3pts
Belgium 2 pts
Turkey 1pt

Our votes were firmly on the side of the tongue-in-cheek, with the classic Eurovision sound a close second.
Europe, however, was more into the Turkish style this year, with Turkey narrowly beating Belgium. Russia came a close third.