Ivan - Where are we?
Evan - Turkey.
Ivan - Hmm.
Chris - A helicopter?
Ivan - Bit dangerous.
Evan - Last year's winner sings wearing Marlene Dietrich's hair.
Ivan - I don't remember all this operatic stuff.
Evan - Nor me.
Chris - She mst've been having lessons.
Ivan - This year's hosts are rather scary.
Chris - Yes.
Evan - Get on with it, please.

Spain 0pts
Ramón - Para Llenarme de Ti

Ivan - Latin stuff.
Evan - There's a man there mimning with a pair of drums round his neck.
Chris - Bit dull this.
Evan - Very dull.
Ivan - And taking your jacket off is no way to add drama.
Evan - No.

Austria 0pts
Tie-Break - Du Bist

Evan - A boy-band trio.
Ivan - That singing is a bit flat. So's the song, for that matter.
Evan - More tedium, but without the benefit of a pacy latin beat to keep our blood warm.
Chris - He's quite good looking though.
Ivan - Looks a bit sinister to me.
Evan - That one's Michael Schumacher.
Ivan & Chris - No he's not.
Chris - Is the three minutes up yet?
Evan - Dull.

Norway 5pts
Knut Anders Sorum - High

Ivan - It's Gordon the Gopher.
Evan - I didn't see that chord coming. Pop-ballad in English. It's ok really, but that chorus in a different key is quite distracting.
Ivan - Ooh. The choir have moved forward.
Chris - Well it's better than Spain, easy.

Ivan - That American Beauty woman in the postcards is really starting to piss me off.

France 0pts
Jonatan Cerrada - A Chaque Pas

Chris - He nearly lost his voice there.
Ivan - He might've combed his hair.
Evan - We've got a woman on stilts, and backing vocalists with Christina Aguilera hair.
Ivan - What?
Evan - Barmy French types. The song is a dull power ballad.
Ivan - They have to pep it up with the stilt dancing and silly hats... Oh piss off.
Chris - The subtitling is erratic this year.
Ivan - That's cos we're on digital.
Evan - There's invision subs on 701, but they take up half the screen and there's a black border for some reason.
Ivan - Better off on here.

Serbia & Montenegro 0pts
Zeljkp Joksimoviae - Lane Moje

Evan - Some eastern flutework...
Ivan - Here's the singer... Looks a right twat.
Chris - My fawn? My lassie?
Evan - I like his belt though.
Ivan - And now a fiddle.
Chris - Why's the fiddler woman wearing a daft Kate Bush mic?
Evan - It's fairly dull for an ethnic job, is this.
Ivan - It's probably been drained of its folksy intensity for political reasons. Don't want to flare up the Serbs again, do we...
Chris - Ended rather suddenly.

Malta 4pts
Julie & Ludwig - On Again... Off Again

Evan - In English. Got a good beat. Oh. It's gone all René & Renatto.
Chris - She's an odd shape.
Evan - I think it's that dress.
Ivan - And the dwarf she's with.
Chris - She wants to lose him.
Evan - The chorus is trite bullshit. The verse is ok though. Keychange / Middle 8 combo. And everything out.
Chris - Dodgy operatics from her there.
Ivan - Bit of a mistake.
Evan - And that beat returned clumsily.
Ivan - It's a bit naff, this.
Evan - But at least it has a pulse.

Netherlands 0pts
Reunion - Without You

Evan - Ew. Slick vocals. It's all gone Charles & Eddie. God no.
Chris - Wasn't he Rick Alessi in Neighbours?
Ivan - No.
Ewan - Oh, this is horrible.
Ivan - In English, innit.
Ewan - Yes.
Chris - Ew, that was a bit tuneless.
Ewan - Ee. You could fry chips in this.

Germany 0pts
Max - Can't Wait Until Tonight

Evan - In English.
Ivan - Oh, very Radio 2.
Evan - Laid back guitar ballad. It's similar to summat. Not sure what...
Ivan - Of course it is.
Chris - Ooh. The sound's gone all funny.
Evan - I think that was Sachiko M on sine-waves.
Ivan - No. That was just a broadcasting error.
Evan - Ee. Electric piano.
Chris - He can't reach the high bit.
Ivan - That's lost it him.
Evan - It's summat from the late '70s. Mm...

Albania 0pts
Anjeza Shahini - The Image of You

Evan - English.
Chris - Oh good. A beat.
Ivan - It could've gone either way there.
Chris - She's trying to do Ertha Kitt.
Ivan - Not doing a very good job of it.
Chris - Are they schoolboys in the choir? They should really tuck their shirts in.
Ivan - An invisible guitar solo. I was waiting for one of them.
Evan - Heh. The lyrics are a bit ropy.
Anjeza - You make my nights a little hazy [to rhyme with crazy].
Ivan - Mm. Funked up a bit now.
Evan - Mm. Can we have summat really good now?

Ukraine 1pt [winner in real life]
Ruslana - Diki Tantsi

Evan - Ooh. Digeridoos.
Ivan - Hah. It's the cavegirl look.
Chris - Very Xena.
Evan - Ooh. Nonsense lyrics [and some in English]... Just like the old days.
Ruslana - Day-na-day-na.
Chris - Not a great singer.
Ivan - Not sure that's the point here.
Ruslana - Shi-di-ri-di-da-na.
Evan - Crap singer though.
Chris - And she's dancing with a certain lethargy.
Ivan - Whips. Mm.
Evan - Bit crap but not so bad.

Croatia 2pts
Ivan Mikulic - Dajes Mi Krila

Evan - In English. Sadé backing-track.
Chris - No. George Michael.
Evan - Yes. Definitely.
Ivan - Guilty feet definitely lack rhythm, don't they.
Evan - They do indeed. He sounds quite George Michael-ish too. Ooh. A proper Eurovision Chorus. Like Abba in their more ponderous moments.
Ivan - Key change.
Chris - The backing vocalists are dressed rather formally: like they're going out on a dinner date afterwards.
Evan - Well that chorus gets it an extra point, dunnit.
Ivan - But the verse is awful.
Chris - So that cancels, no?

Bosnia Herzegovina 3pts
Deen - In The Disco

Evan - Ooh. Big beats.
Ivan - Ooh. A gay icon.
Evan - Heh.
Chris - He's so gay. Is that a man he's dancing with? In that bikini?
Ivan - Looks possible.
Chris - Oh, his vocals went a bit loud there.
Evan - I like the I Feel Love bass. Shame about everything over it.
Ivan - In English. You got that down?
Evan - Ahuh.
Deen - Kiss me and turn me slow / up and down, here we go.
Ivan - Heh.
Chris - All he needs is a studded leather arm-band.
Evan - And a handlebar moustache.

Ivan - Adverts time now.
Chris - These two are  very scary looking. Especcially him.
Ivan - Let me get some beer.
Evan - You missed a broken link-up with Istanbul.
Ivan - I thought they were in Istanbul.
Chris - They are.
Ivan - Heh.

Belgium 10pts
Xandee - 1 Life

Evan - In English. Ooh. A bangin' Euro beat. Yes. This is a bit more like it. This is the standard of middling entries most years. But it looks like a potential winner today. Filtered synth.
Ivan - I dunno who's working the mixing desk this year but he's shit.
Chris - It lacks something, this. But it's the best we've had so far.
Evan - Gone a bit latin now.
Ivan - She changed key there, but nobody else didn't. Alas.

Russia 0pts
Julia Savicheva - Believe Me

Chris - Someone's raided the cupbard marked "Body Paint".
Evan - Coloured male dancers [blue, red, green, purple]. Sung in English.
Ivan - And rather tuneless singing at that.
Chris - It looks like the red man's been touching her arm, look.
Ivan - Oh yes...
Evan - This is drab too.
Ivan - She's singing like she's in Jemini.
Evan - It is a bit ropy.
Ivan - Wake me up when we get there.
Chris - Ok.
Evan - She looks angry there...
Chris - With the red fella, I notice.

FYR Macedonia 0pts
Tose Proeski - Angel Si Ti

Chris - Ooh. Quite a suit he's wearing.
Ivan - He's the Master from Dr. Who.
Evan - Sung in English.
Chris - There's some sort of Christine Keeler thing going on in the background...
Evan - A passionate ballad with a slight eastern tinge.
Chris - ...and now some vicars have come on.
Ivan - Curious.
Chris - Oh. Rachel Stephens ribbon-dancing.
Evan - Just like the winner last year.
Ivan - Ahuh.

Greece 0pts
Sakis Rouvas - Shake It

Ivan - Turkey's favourite neighbours.
Chris - The women are wearing white suits.
Evan - In English.
Chris - Ooh. He's nice. Ooh.
Ivan - He just pulled orange scarves from out their arses.
Evan - Hmm.
Ivan - Symbolic of lit farts, presumably.
Evan - Very latin edge to the chorus.
Sakis - ...mi amor...
Evan - ...in lyrics.
Ivan - Going for that Spanish vote.
Evan - The women are now down to their spangly underwear.
Ivan - Oh. I missed that. As usual.
Chris - Dodgy somersault.
Evan - Eurovisiony enough.

Iceland 8pts
Jonsi/Jón Jósep Snæbjörnsson - Heaven

Evan - Ooh. Dramatic stuff at the start. Nice and moody.
Ivan - But it's gone all wank now.
Evan - Yes. Awful slush. Power slush. He's got that Silas thing going on though.
Chris - What?
Ivan - You mean the children's drama serial?
Evan - Yeah.
Ivan - Ahuh. Nah. It's tripe, this.
Evan - In English.
Ivan - ...of course.
Evan - It started in foreign, this competition. But now it's lost its way.
Chris - Middle 8 now.
Evan - Suitably over the top.
Ivan - I like this now.
Evan - Heh.
Ivan - Heh!
Evan - Yes. It's gone over the top!
Chris - Hmm.

Ireland 0pts
Chris Doran - If The World Stops Turning

Evan - Written by someone out of Westlife.
Chris - Brian, no less.
Evan - Oh? Mm.
Ivan - I thought Westlife just did covers.
Chris - And this is why.
Evan - Boyband toss. Though it's solo here. Still. In English.
Ivan - Fair enough with Ireland, I suppose.
Evan - It's crap. Boring song. Boring delivery. Boring presentation. Boring boring boring.
Ivan - Amazing how some people can make three minutes drag out for years.

Poland 0pts
Blue Café - Love Song

Chris - A comedy little beardy man in leather and tight trousers takes to the stage.
Evan - Here's the singer.
Ivan - She's a cheeky little minx.
Evan - The word minx seems made for her. It's a latin thing like, er... In English.
Ivan - It's gone full on Cuban now, with Spanish lyrics.
Evan - Does Eurovision show in South America or something?
Ivan - It's lovely to watch, but not so good to listen to.
Chris - She can sing though, at least.
Ivan - Looks a bit like a pretty Liza Manelli, if such a thing is conceivable.

United Kingdom 6pts
James Fox -  Hold On To Our Love

Ivan - That's not James Fox! It's Darren Day and Patrick Kielty's demon love-child. James Fox is old.
Evan - It's better than I expected. A perfectly competent guitar ballad with a Brotherhood of Man singalong chorus.
Ivan - Oh?
Evan - You can tell it's a bad year in Eurovision when stuff like this is doing well. But really... Hmm. It pains me to do it, but this is in the top three so far.
Ivan - God.
Chris - We've not had any deliberate kitsch this year...
Evan - Yeah.

Cyprus 0pts
Lisa Andreas - Stronger Every Minute

Chris - The singer here is from Gillingham, apparently.
Ivan - Heh.
Chris - And is sixteen.
Evan - It's a jazzy Streisand ballad.
Ivan - Ee, yes.
Chris - People without necks shouldn't wear halter tops. She nearly hit that note.
Ivan - I think that was deliberate.
Evan - This must be from 1974. From a film.
Ivan - Yeah.
Chris - That wasn't deliberate.
Ivan - No. Just rough.
Evan - Stop now.
Ivan - Snore... It's too late for growling, love.

Ivan - Oh. An animated postcard. Must be Turkey.

Turkey 7pts
Athena - For Real

Evan - Ooh. Klezmer Ska. Wow. Fancy. In English. It's a bit like Terry Hall's last project.
Ivan - A bit.
Chris - So who was that woman on the postcards?
Ivan - God knows. These are blokes.
Chris - Yes.
Evan - Novel hip-hop / ska / klezmer thing really.
Ivan - Natural Eurovision cocktail though in a way. Ooh. A lady dancer.
Evan - With a big afro.
Ivan - That was quite fun it a way.

Romania 0pts
Sanda Ladosi - I Admit

Evan - Is she singing in foreign?
Chris - No. Just her accent.
Ivan - Not wearing a lot...
Evan - She wants to be that Anastasia or whatever she's called. Is that right.
Ivan - Dunno, Ev.
Evan - Fairly ordinary Eurovision entry for recent years.
Ivan - Are you alowed to only wear a corset in Turkey.
Chris - Yes.
Evan - Strummy sub-latin thingy.
Ivan - You speak from experience, I suppose, Chris?
Chris - Ahuh.

Sweden 12pts
Lena Philipsson - Det Gor Ont (It Hurts)

Evan - Come on, Sweden. Show them how it's done. We're counting on you.
Ivan - That's a promising start.
Evan - Eurobeat, with 70s backing vocals. Good. Oh yes. You can count on Sweden.
Ivan - Foxy pink dress and '80s fingerless gloves.
Evan - And a half-decent song. Chorus could be a damn-site better, but for this year, this is great stuff.
Ivan - And pleasant enough to watch.
Evan - Not as pleasant as Poland.
Ivan - Not sure... No. Probably not. But Poland didn't have those pink suede boots.
Chris - They're not gloves. They're more like low-slung arm-bands.

Evan - A gong? I see. Hmm.
Chris - The recap's harsh on Germany.
Ivan - I like the countdown during the interval performance. Tells me how long I have to get my beer.
Evan - Every year it's fucking riverdance.
Chris - An embarressing Green Room moment or seven, and now the [very entertaining] voting.
Ivan - Now the reasons for the break-up of Yugoslavia are plain to see.

Here then are the votes of the AView Jury:

12pts  Sweden
10pts  Belgium
8pts    Iceland
7pts    Turkey
6pts    United Kingdom
5pts    Norway
4pts    Malta
3pts    Bosnia Herzegovina
2pts    Croatia
1pt     Ukraine

We went with an upbeat classic sound, while Europe blockvoted up the Balkan states, with the Amazonian Ukraine entry taking the honours.