Your reviewers: Chrissie Hammond,  Evan Paris,  and  Ivan Methuselah.

I    Why do we do this?
C    That's a very deep question.
E    What's the red button do?

Ivan presses the red button.

C    Not a great deal...
I    A green menu... with... sod all on it.
E    Put ceefax on then.

The opening performance:

C    Ooh. Pretty green balls.
I    And now last year's winner.
E    Which was actually quite good for a change.
I    Was it?
C    And caused a revolution in the Eastern Bloc.
I    An orange one. Very futuristic.
C    Is this the same song?
E    No. It's subtly different.
I    [re flamethrower] That isn't very safe.
E    Maybe that's what happened to wotsit's face.

We watch for a bit.

I    Postcard number one...  ...Boring.
 

Hungary, 4pts
NOX - Forogj Világ

I    Dancing men in black oriental shirts.
E    She sings in foreign.
C    She only has one trouser leg.
I    Lyrics: "Ha na na na na na". Good.
E    Hint of Turkish fiddle. Ok, this.
 

UK, 1pt
Javine - Touch My Fire

E    We've woken up to the Turkish trend at last.
C    Hint of Beyonce to this.
I    She would like to be Beyonce, yes.
E    Javine's a sort of proper singer, I think. Not that I follow these things.
C    You're just our music expert.
E    Yes.
I    Is "touch my fire" rude? I think it is. It sounds rude.
E    Doesn't do much for me, this. Apart from go "touch my fire".
C    Yeah, it's boring.
 

Malta, 0pts
Chiara - Angel

E    Is it a fat woman?
I    Yep. Very much so, in fact.
C    Heh.
I    Is everyone fat on Malta?
C    They're still suck in that Celine Dion rut, are they?
E    Sounds like it. She sings in English.
I    Ooh. It's funked up now.
E    It's only a middle eight.
C    Ew. It's Dion by numbers.
E    Would that be "The Wanderer" Dion?
C    Celine.

I    [re postcard] Ooh, a steelworks.
 

Romania, 3pts
Luminita Anghel & Sistem - Let Me Try

C    Yes. Terry's right: Ruby Wax.
E    She sings in English.
I    It's got a good beat.
E    Dance synths, and a general ascent of melody. Anthemic 80s chorus but sub-standard.
I    They're playing oil drums.
E    It's like Einsturzende Neubauten. Ooh! Angle grinders!
C    It's more like Stomp.
E    Is this the start of a new Industrial trend in Eurovision?
I    I very much doubt that.
E    Bonus points for inventive percussion.
 

Norway, 6pts
Wig Wam - In My Dreams

E    Ooh! A transvestive glam rock outfit. He sings in English.
I    Heh. He's like Marilyn Manson at a Sweet convention.
E    It's anthemic rock in the Kiss mould.
C    He's not the prettiest fella in the world.
E    Key change! I've been waiting for one of them.
I    This shits on The Darkness.
E    It's crap, but it's strangely enjoyable crap.
C    "Rock n Roll revolution" he says, while waving an orange flag.
I    I think I need a lie down.
 

Turkey, 2pts
Gülseren - Rimi Rimi Ley

I    He [a bloke in a pointy hat, brandishing a drum] looks a card.
E    Positively Indian, this. She sings in foreign.
C    "Ley rimi ley" isn't translated in the subs. [Love Will Find A Way, apparently]
I    It's probably rude.
E    It's like George Harrison in the bath.
C    Is it?
E    Oh yes.
C    Did he wear a big pink skirt in the bath?
E    All the time.
I    This is further East than usual.
E    Yes. Could be the new trend. Doubt it.
 

Moldova, 8pts
Zdob si Zdub - Bunica Bate Doba

I    He [the fringed singer] looks a card.
E    He sings in English.
C    He does?
E    Yes. This has just gone rather good.
I    It's like something about twenty years ago.
E    Yeah. What is it?
I    Dunno.
E    Chorus is in foreign.
C    Aw... an old woman in a rocking chair with a big drum.
I    Did he just sing "Fucking Whore"?
E    It's like... OMC... How Bizzare... in the verse.
I    That's it.
C    "Let's make love" he says.
E    The chorus was more Ricky Spillaine.

I    Trouble with the qualifying is we don't get personalised postcards anymore.
E    With the bands in you mean?
I    Yeah.
E    Yeah.

Albania, 0pts
Ledina Çelo - Nëser shkoj

E    This is redolent of last year's winner.
C    But with added Dion...
I    It's very like last year's winner, innit...
C    But with fiddles instead of daggers.
E    Those things round their necks... are they cos they've got fleas or something?
I    Drum solo.
E    She screams: "Di di da". It's in English, this, by the way.
I    Rubbish.
 

Cyprus, 0pts
Constantinos Christoforou - Ela Ela

C    Terry's right. This is the same song!
E    "E-lay la, e-lay lay lay la".
C    Here's the singer. Ooh. Very nice.
E    He sings in English.
I    He wants to be Rick Martin but is coming out all Spice Girls.
E    Yeah. Shake it to the left.
C    Ooh. It's two songs for the price of one.
E    Novel. Oh. It's reverted now.
I    Obviously thought it wasn't Turkish enough.
E    I'm giving this four [in our guideline scoring] cos it's the same as the last one.
 

Spain, 7pts
Son de Sol - Brujería

I    Spain. This'll be shit then.
E    Yep.
I    Crikey. A beat.
E    It's the Spanish Girls Aloud. They sing in Spanish.
C    Why are those roadies dancing on stage with them?
E    Dunno.
C    [re a gruff bloke wheezing into a microphone] What was that?!
E    This is surprisingly un-crap.
I    Reminds me of From Dusk Til Dawn for some reason.
C    That bloke's back.
E    Why?
I    He's like a cross between Shaun Ryder and Shane McGowan.
E    He's a curious addition to the act.
 

Israel, 0pts
Shiri Maymon - Hasheket Shenish'ar

E    Apparently, Lebanon were going to debut at Eurovision this year, until they let slip that they intended to put an ad-break over Israel.
I    Hah!
C    This is hardly Dana International.
E    Yeah.
I    That's a highly impractical dress.
C    She'll not be dancing with that train stretched out behind her.
E    Power ballad sung in foreign. Nope. English. Wasn't it foreign before?
I    Dunno.
E    Probably just her accent.
I    She's not unattractive. Except that nose.
E    Can you say that about Jewish people?
I    I can.
E    Right.

C    Heh... Terry being amusing there [making bemused mumblings over the postcard].
I    I should hope so.
 

Serbia & Montenegro, 0pts
No Name - Zauvijek Moja

E    Anything can happen in the next half hour.
C    It's gone all Eastern Bloc...
I    Good.
E    He sings in foreign.
I    They...
E    Oh. Boyband. Right.
C    Dramatic pause.
E    Are the lyrics as Terry said? [something about beating you up...]
I    Alas, no.
C    They couldn't beat a merringue. Ooh... Terry stepping in, mid-song.
I    Over-stepping his remit there, surely...
E    Why doesn't he get a full commentary on digital?
I    Dunno. The digital channel is just subs. Which makes no sense.

C    Ad break now.
I    I'll have a pee.
     [beat]
     Have I missed owt?
C    No. Just Terry slagging off the presenters.
I    Ah, good...
 

Denmark, 0pts
Jakob Sveistrup - Talking to You

C    A teacher of autistic kids; aw...
E    He sings in English.
I    Ee gads! Living, breathing smarm.
C    If I was an autistic kid, I'd make his life hell.
E    That's not very nice.
C    I'm not a very nice person.
E    No. That's true. '80s yuppie soul-toss.
I    Is that what this genre's called?
E    Yes. Huey Lewis & The News et al.
C    It's a boyband.
E    Yeah.
I    That [the tune] is very ripped off from summat.
C    Terry says it's good.
E    Terry's musical taste lacks some way behind his comic ability.
 

Sweden, 0pts
Martin Stenmarck - Las Vegas

C    Our favourite Eurovision nation, now.
I    Not this year.
E    Ee. There was a song once that Freddie Mercury produced, called "Man From Manhattan".
I    Er...
E    Not unlike this. Though this has more glitter and tinsel. Especially the chorus.
I    I hate this.
C    '80s sleaze-toss?
E    Yep. Nice backing vocalists. The Charlie's Angels look.
I    I think they're meant to reference Elvis jumpsuits.
E    Oh.
I    Tel just called your backing vocalists ugly, Ev.
E    Yep. Told you he was tasteless.
 

FYR Macedonia, 0pts
Martin Vucic - Make My Day

E    FYROM are usually crap.
I    Ooh. She [a dancer] is... ugly.
C    I think he's the singer.
I    Right.
E    ...in English. There's a touch of their good one here. The Vlado Janevski one.
I    Heh.
E    But only a touch.
I    Yeah. This is Eurovision by numbers.
C    There's a hint of Wild Dances to it again.
E    Yeah.
I    Another drum solo.
E    There's those Arabic bag pipe things too.
I    Ouds?
E    No. They're not bagpipes.
I    Ok.
E    They're all over Eurovision these days.
 

Ukraine, 0pts
Greenjolly - Razom Nas Bahato

C    So they sang this one in the "orange revolution".
I    Did they?
C    Yeah.
E    It's hardly "The Workers United Will Never Be Defeated".
I    Or "We Shall Not Be Moved".
E    I wonder where those chords are from...
I    1993? Seattle?
E    Yes. He raps in foreign.
C    They're failing to translate again, in the subs. [Together We Are Many]
I    They're rapping in English now.
E    It's not bad, this, for European rap-rock.
I    Sounds like advert music to me.
 

Germany, 0pts
Gracia - Run & Hide

I    Ah... Germany...
E    It rocks with Tatu synths.
I    She sings in English.
E    A Bon Jovi verse, alas.
C    She's singing in English in the chorus. Not that you'd know.
E    That break is fine. Shame the rest of the song isn't.
I    You'd never guess that guitarist was German, would you.
E    Heh.

C    [re postcard:] Ooh! A montage of old women!
 

Croatia, 0pts
Boris Novkovic feat. Lado members - Vukovi Umiru Sami

E    There's the Turkish bagpipe again.
C    Very Eastern Europe, this. It's like Silas.
E    He sings in foreign.
I    What's this chorus [ripped off from]?
E    Dunno.
I    Drum solo. It's the new stop-start and key-change.
E    There's the key-change. And a capella.
C    It's very old fashioned, this.
E    Yeah.
 

Greece, 0pts
Helena Paparizou - My Number One

I    Beyonce again.
E    Well that way on.
C    This is the favourite, apparently.
E    God. Why?
I    Cos it's so... Eurotypical.
C    Terry's interrupting again.
E    He's right of course [with whatever it was he said]. She sings in English.
C    It's a Eurovision-baiting blend of Irish and Turkish.
I    Why do we do this [Eurovision Review]?
E    It gives us a sense of superiority.
I    It depresses me.
E    Ok.
C    What's that stick he's weilding?
E    My scoring's getting skewed.
I    What's new.
 

Russia, 10pts
Natalia Podolskaya - Nobody Hurt No One

E    They look good.
I    They rhyme pear with fear!
E    Great! They sing in English.
C    Russia keep doing this indie rock stuff.
E    Yes. It's very good, but it'll fail miserably at Eurovision.
I    It's quite good.
E    The bass-line is Smells Like Teen Spirit. That's the second Nirvana ref tonight.
I    This is winning for me so far.
C    I like it too. I'd pay to watch these.
E    She's very sexy. And her band look great too.
I    I like the red and black thing they have.
 

Bosnia & Herzegovina, 12pts
Feminnem - Call Me

C    These are called Feminnem.
I    Wow. I expect so much from that name.
E    Chain-saw weilding lesbians?
I    Something like that.
E    Ooh. Classic Eurovision.
I    Sounds a bit like Chain Reaction.
E    Yes.
C    They're wearing peach! How very retro.
I    Is that peach?
E    Singing in English. It's '80s post-Abba party-fare. More of this in Eurovision please.
I    It's a song about Eurovision. "50 candles on the party cake".
E    Key change! And bonus points for the Eurovision subject matter.
 

Switzerland, 5pts
Vanilla Ninja - Cool Vibes

C    An Estonian all-girl outfit called Vanilla Ninja.
I    Oh yes?
E    Nice pizzicato strings. Horrible tune, though. English.
I    Livening up now, though.
E    Another '80s rock-out. Very "Heart" or "Roxette".
I    I rather fancy her.
E    She's a look of Cathy Carrow. Mine's the blonde one on her left.
I    Ok.
C    Gentlemen... control yourselves.
I    Am I drunk? I'm starting to really enjoy myself.
 

Latvia, 0pts
Valters & Kaza - The War is Not Over

C    This is called "The War is Not Over".
E    More accurate than John & Yoko then.
C    Yes.
I    Shit though.
E    Two ugly blokes on stools, strumming guitars and singing in English.
I    Makes you sick.
C    The one on the right is ugly. The other one is kind of cute.
E    He looks like a McFly.
I    They both look mentally retarded.
E    Heh.
I    This is foul.
C    They're failing pathetically to jerk their pelivises.
I    Shouting "come on guys" to the audience smacks of desperation.
E    They're rather ill-conceived hand actions.
I    Make it stop!
C    Your wish is my command.
 

France, 0pts
Ortal - Chacun Pense à Soi

E    She sings in foreign, obviously.
I    It has a beat.
E    Yep.
I    Are they deliberately punning on that Shaka Like A Fishwife song?
E    Heh. Probably.
C    The Bombay Dreams thing?
E    Yes.
C    It's ok this.
E    Bit empty and soul-less.
C    I like her outfit. Best dress of the night.
E    Really?
I    Looks like snot.
E    Hah.
 

The Interval:

I    The presenter's changed her dress.
C    That dress is considerably better than the monstrosity she had on earlier.
I    That's alright then.
E    Hah! It's the Klitchkos!
I    Are they the most famous Ukranians?
C    Oh wow... what a great piece of telly [the Klitchkos with their tubular bells].
I    I like that font for the clock. Very old fashioned.
C    Yes.
I    Why is the interval always tribal drumming?
C    Cos it takes less writing and practice?
I    Fair enough.
E    We happy with these scores?
I    Fuck the scores. I want more beer.
C    Yeah. They'll do.
I    Ruslana's back.
E    Is it Wild Dances this time?
I    Not sure. Could be.
C    She's wearing a skirt with one leg! It's crazier than the Hungarian entry.
E    It's not Wild Dances. But only just.
C    And now the voting.
I    Ooh. He's consigned to the Green Room! She [the female presenter] looks like my sister.
E    Here we go...
I    Aw. He's back. Never mind.
E    Heh.
I    This is the best bit. Fuck that singing shit. This is what it's all about. I love this!
 

C    Hello, Kiev. This is AView calling. Thank you for such a magnificent and colourful evening. It's been truly wonderful. Here then are the results of the AView jury:

12pts   Bosnia & Herzegovina
10pts   Russia
 8pts   Moldova
 7pts   Spain
 6pts   Norway
 5pts   Switzerland
 4pts   Hungary
 3pts   Romania
 2pts   Turkey
  1pt   United Kingdom

We went with the upbeat and tongue-in-cheek classic sounds for our choices. Europe went with the bland Eurovogue of the Turko-Irish and the Turko-Dion, neither of which we cared for. Our bottom three were Denmark (bottom), Latvia and Sweden, but Latvia came 5th for Europe. Of our top three, our best performance was Moldova's 6th, though Romania (our 8th) managed 3rd. The winning entry was the pre-event favourite: Greece, which only served to increase Ivan's depression.