Your reviewers: Chrissie Hammond,  Evan Paris,  and  Ivan Methuselah.

I    Some promoyional song about Greece...
E    Ooh look... A big Chocolate Orange.... with wings.
I    Of course, this year they've ballsed up the scoring system.
E    In what way?
C    They just give us the top three votes.
I    The rest appear automatically.
E    That's a bit shit.
C    Yes.
I    And now our hosts fly in.
C    God, he's ugly. Something with his nose.
E    And now last year's winner will sing for us.
I    I think the subs on BBC1 will be better than the graphics on 301.
C    Righto.
E    Yeah.
C    This pen is crap. I can't find the usual one.
I    Is this it?
C    Brilliant.
E    The postcards are very dull.
I    Remember when they had the acts in them?
 

Switzerland, 4pts
Six4One - If We All Give A Little

C    Warbling is deceptively Turkish.
E    Yeah. But this is a multi-vocal group. Like a manufactured band. And their song...
I    I think I need some Coke.
E    It's that sort of song.
C    What the world needs now is Coca Cola...
I    But it's got that dark melancholy to it. In the verse...
C    Perfectly competent ballad. Better than most Eurovision.
E    I like the hippy one.
I    I like the black one.
C    I like the Greek one.
E    They sing in English. Very sophisticated key change in the last moments. Very competent Coke ballad.
 

Moldova, 0pts
Arsenium feat. Natalia Gordienko & Connect-R - Loca (Crazy)

I    Gruff man and warbly woman...
C    Jamie Theakston and a nearly naked woman.
E    Awful slightly Spanish lyrics.
I    "Kiss her boca one more time".
C    What's a "boca"?
I    Lips, I think.
C    Oh.
E    Ooh. A Rapper on a scooter.
C    Ricky Martin could prove to be a theme.
E    This is scarcely Ricky Martin, though.
I    She's put some more clothes on...
E    That was clever. I missed that.
 

Israel, 0pts
Eddie Butler - Together We Are One

I    Ooh. My lot.
C    They're all in white.
E    They sing in foreign, with a bit of English. Do they have black Jews then?
I    Yes.
E    This is dreary toss. '80s soul balladry by numbers.
C    And their tailoring leaves much to be desired.
E    More English now... about 50/50.
C    The piano woman has come out to the front.
E    Screams... music out... Crap section. Power stabs.
C    This song has no presence.
I    Except her piercing screams.
 

Latvia, 0pts
Cosmos - I Hear Your Heart

C    Is that a he or a she?
I    A he.
C    Is it meant to sound like this?
E    Wow. That's fantastic. Oh... Now it's going ordinary. Totally a capella, with dumdumd and beat boxing. In English.
C    What are they doing?
I    Not sure.
E    This has gone nasty. As we might've expected.
I    I think it's microphone stands.
C    No. It's a little robot man. He walks.
E    He dances. That's weird.
C    And a floaty heart.
 

Norway, 2pts
Christine Guldbrandsen - Alvedansen (The Elf Dance)

E    Fiddles. Bond-film bass.
I    She's someone you could cuddle.
E    They sing in foreign. With a wind machine.
C    Plenty of ah-ahing. I like that.
I    And fiddliness.
E    Ooh, and an ascending middle eight with a minor secion. Very cinematic.
I    Riverdance time. Nothing wrong with this.
C    It's no less annonymous than Israel's entry though.
I    Suppose not.
 

Spain, 0pts
Las Ketchup - Bloody Mary

E    They sing in foreign.
C    On chairs.
I    "Dooty-Freeeee!"
E    Good use of skin-head dancers.
C    A lazy disco thing.
I    Oooh. Spot of lesbianism. Very nice.
C    Was that a key change?
E    A souly disco one. Very 1976.
I    I liked the performance more than the song.
 

Malta, 5pts
Fabrizio Faniello - I Do

C    A Man in a floaty shirt, tight trousers and a cummerbund.
E    Ooh. Very late-'80s. Drum machines and sequencers. Makes me wet. Sung in English.
I    Got a hint of Last Christmas.
C    Got a hint of school discos.
I    I'm sure that's true.
E    Stop and key change. Nice one, Malta. This is the most appropriate entry so far.
 

Germany, 10pts
Texas Lightning - No No Never

E    Oh hell. Country.
I    Ha!
C    Sing in English... I quite like this.
E    Yes. Quite good... They look idiots though.
I    I like the neon cacti.
E    Yeah. It's good this. Like a skiffed up Cookie Crumbs.
I    Is it?
E    Yes. Very Cookie Crumb chords there.
I    Right.
E    Yes. I like this. It'd be better without the banjo.
I    Spinning bass though. Points for that.
E    Key change. And it's speeding up!
I    Yee ha!
 

Denmark, 0pts
Sidsel Ben Semmane - Twist of Love

C    This'll be two old blokes doing very bad things.
E    No... a twist of sorts. In English.
I    This is nice and '80s.
C    Nasty gold waistcoats.
E    For me this is more country at heart that the last one.
I    You very odd music expert you.
E    Heh.
C    This is like those bad Jason Donovan album tracks.
I    Heh.
E    Cod guitarwork.
C    Hmm. I don't like this.
I    I don't see how it's worse than the last one...
 

Russia, 0pts
Dima Bilan - Never Let You Go

E    A qualifier.
C    Mullet and vest...
I    Very gay.
E    That's English he's singing.
I    "Flesh on my flesh / bone on my bone".
C    Is that a gay thing?
I    Mm.
E    Ballet dancers.
I    Totally anonymous song.
C    There's a bit of umph in the chorus.
I    Dancer out of the piano... novel.
C    It's anonymous but it's adequate.
E    Put a key change in and I'll be happy.
I    Doesn't look like coming.
E    No.
C    Liked the piano business though.
 

FYROM, 0pts
Elena Risteska - Ninanajna

C    She scares me.
I    Is it a she?
C    I can never tell these days...
I    Dana International looked less butch.
E    Butch?
I    She looks like a female impersonator.
E    With them tits?
C    What of the music?
E    Turkopop. Bog standard.
I    Welcome return of Na-na-na-ing though.
E    Yes.
 

Romania, 1pt
Mihai Traistariu - Tornerò (I'll Return)

C    Suited man with pubic hair.
E    English.
C    It's an early '90s pop rave up.
E    A spot of Spanish there.
C    Italian, I think.
I    Has she forgot what to dance?
C    Look at those trousers.
E    Look at her though... look at her move.... oooh.
I    He's squeaking.
C    Another anonymous tune.
E    But this time with a key change!
I    A really really slow one...
E    Heh.
 

I    Interval. Get the beer.
C    She looks like a Sim.
E    Heh. So does he.
I    A Sim?
 

Bosnia and Herzegovina, 3pts
Hari Mata Hari - Lejla (Leyla)

E    Accordian!
I    Very Iberian.
C    Isn't it.
E    It's in foreign.
I    Nicely arranged.
C    Building...
E    Someone's given it a kick, certainly.
I    They're marching onto us.
C    This has a certain umph.
E    That should've been a key change.
 

Lithuania, 3pts
LT United - We are the Winners

C    We are the Winners? Bit pre-emptive.
I    A qualifier...
E    Is this a Queen song then?
I    Possibly.
C    Very weedy though innit.
E    Van Halen keyboard stabs.
I    Spot of French there.
E    Stomping rhythm and... heh...
I    Good bald man in glasses and tie, dancing spastically.
C    This isn't too bad... but a little immodest.
E    And weedy like you say.
 

United Kingdom, 7pts
Daz Sampson - Teenage Life

I    Schoolgirls!
E    '80s chords. Nice! Nowt wrong with this so far.
I    A rap.
C    Not Quite The Streets.
I    But not bad really. I though something worse had won.
E    I like the schoolgirls.
I    Careful or you'll end up like Chris Langham.
C    They're pretty conservative compared to Britney Spears.
I    This is true.
E    Well this is better than I was expecting.
I    Yes. Best UK entry since Gina G, perhaps.
E    Not in the same class though.
I    No. Ok.
 

Greece, 6pts
Anna Vissi - Everything

I    What's she wearing?
C    Summat groovy.
E    It's Carol Vorderman.
C    What?!
I    I see what you mean.
E    Dion power-ballad.
I    I can smell "Love Hurts".
E    In English.
C    I want that top.
I    When would you wear it?
C    Wednesdays.
I    Right.
E    Middle eight... Not enough of these nowadays. And this is a quality one. What a key change. Ooh. I love that. Bonus points for that.
 

Finland, 12pts
Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah

C    I've heard much about these.
E    Hog rock!
I    Ooh.
C    I like his axe.
E    Do all Finns look like this?
I    Oh yes. The prettier ones.
E    Is Roy Wood Finnish then?
I    Heh. Eurovision Metal. Brilliant. "Angels bring thyn hard rock, Hallelujah".
C    He has wings! Just like my sanitary towel.
 

Ukraine, 0pts
Tina Karol - Show Me Your Love

I    Ah... a short skirt... mm...
E    She's very pretty.
C    It's like Wild Dancers but without the umph.
E    Yes. It's just a shouty Greek party.
I    Nice squal. I'd like to make her do that. Heh.
E    She sings in English. Nice false end.
I    Shame it went back to that song though.
E    Yeah.
 

France, 0pts
Virginie Pouchain - Il était temps (The Time Has Come)

E    She sings in foreign.
I    Nick Drake.
E    Only bouyant.
I    Yes. Oh.
C    Now the cello comes in it's something else.
E    She's got a spot on her chin.
C    Poor dear. What's that cello sound like?
E    It all sounds like something from the mid '90s. Not sure what...
I    It's all pretty vacuous.
 

Croatia, 0pts
Severina - Moja štikla (My Stiletto)

E    A drinking song.
I    If the Russian navy docked in Dublin...
C    With a Flamenco dancer.
I    Heh.
E    They sing in foreign, with very little structure, and plenty of shouting...
I    Why is that man sat there miming bowing that little wooden thing?
E    Dunno.
C    Some great lyrics.
I    She's taken her skirt off.
E    That's the new "key change".
C    Cheryl Baker has much to answer for.
I    Terry was very vocal through that.
E    Yeah.
C    "Pss, pss, go away to someone else / cupa, cupa, zumba, zumba / hay, straw, cheese, ham / the beet has grown, the beet has died / Africa, paprika"
 

Ireland, 0pts
Brian Kennedy - Every Song Is A Cry For Love

C    A qualifier.
I    That's the bloke that does Flog It!
E    He sings and English and I wish he didn't/
C    His accent comes through nicely.
E    Alas so does the tune.
I    Yeah, this song is awful.
E    Yes it is.
C    I need to be sick.
I    Oh yes. So do I.
E    Drum-silent verse too early... but that's good. It means we're nearer the end than we ought to be.
I    Make it stop.
C    It's livened up.
E    Like a spider. Vum.... across the carpet.
I    It's over. Ooh. His testicles fell off at the end. Heh.
 

Sweden, 8pts
Carola - Invincible

C    A qualifier.
E    And a former winner.
I    Oh yes... I remember those piercing eyes...
C    Wow. What a costume.
E    I thought this was shit, but then the synth tom kicked in.
I    Oh yes.
C    Nice.
E    It's doing nothing. But it's doing nothing in 1991.
I    I'm in love.
E    Yes.
C    She sings in English.
E    Oh yes. Beautiful. Oh. I've wet myself with that key change.
I    Yes.
E    Oh wow. That's what a Eurovision song should do.
 

I    Nice postcard.... a montage of pholosophers' busts.
C    You and busts...
 

Turkey, 0pts
Sibel Tüzün - Süper star (Superstar)

I    She's ugly.
E    She sings in foreign.
C    Heh. It's kicked off.
I    She is tattooed.
E    Yeah. When Terry said tattoo, I thought he meant Tatu.
I    I like the talky bit.
C    Spot of wiggling.
E    And at last a bit of Turkey.
I    I just keep getting that awful No Doubt woman.
C    Yeah.
E    That key change didn't work.
I    English now.
E    For one run.
 

Armenia, 0pts
André - Without Your Love

E    Is it John Craven?
C    No.
I    Turkey.
C    A glittery hoody.
E    It looks like a Pendragons performance.
I    Singing in English.
C    He has a pony tail. Those are rather silly braces.
I    The song is the usual empty crap.
E    Yeah.
C    They're tying him up.
I    I expect he'll turn into a tiger or summat.
C    It's the Ricky Martin thing. I expected some of this.
E    Fortunately we were spared.
 

The Interval:

C    Amazing.
I    Ooh... Nana!
E    Wow.
I    Has she got the glasses?
E    Yes.
C    She needs to learn more superlatives.
I    More beer, Ev.
C    Egg timer!
E    It's fallen over. Heh! Great. Hah.
I    We should be counting those "amazing"s.
C    That egg timer will not work.
I    Bit of a waste of money.
E    Is there an "amazing" sweepstake?
I    Interval act now.
C    Ooh. Masks and fire.
E    Songs from "antic quitty" according to the subs.
I    You worked the scores out, Ev?
E    Yes...
 

C    Kalispera, Athens. This is AView calling. It's been an amazing evening. Here then are the results of the AView jury:

12pts   Finland
10pts   Germany
 8pts   Sweden
 7pts   United Kingdom
 6pts   Greece
 5pts   Malta
 4pts   Switzerland
 3pts   Bosnia & Herzegovena
 2pts   Norway
  1pt   Romania

Every now and again we agree with Europe. This time the Finns with the bad skin entertained across the continent, though we'd've been happy with any of our top three taking the honours. Sweden was the most traditional Eurovision entry, Finland the most novel. Germany was just a pleasant little tune, and the idea of a German cod-coutry outfit sort of tickled us. So there  you go. Our least favourite, for the record, was Ireland. Brr...