Your reviewers: Chrissie Hammond,  Evan Paris,  and  Ivan Methuselah.

E    Pink Floyd heartbeating...
I    Ooh. A hoody with psoriasis.
C    A Lordi type.
E    Oh dear. It seems that Hell has frozen over.
I    It's a nice dramatic opening; Terry's on good form; And these sparks are surely a health and safety issue. Yes. Another year has passed and it is time for some dreadful songs and some hilarious voting.
E    The auditorium announcer sounds even more demonic than the band.
C    Some needless fireworks, and at last... our first postcard.
I    He [the man in the first postcard] was worried. And now he is happy.
 

Bosnia & Herzegovina, 0pts
Marija Šestic - Rijeka Bez Imena

E    Turkish to open. She sings in foreign.
C    Pretty dull this, so far.
E    Heh. A man in silly headgear takes to the stage: some sort of zombie bazoukist.
I    Pah. Nymphy toss.
 

Spain, 0pts
D'NASH -  I Love You Mi Vida

I    White-clad boyband and some hairy Amazons with drums.
C    This has more about it than the last one.
E    They sing in foreign and English.
I    The slightest hint of Holding Out For A Hero...
E    And the tiniest of flamenco flourishes.
C    Are those women actually going to use those drums?
E    Key change. Farty orchestra hits at the end.
 

Belarus, 3pts
Dmitry Koldun -  Work Your Magic

I    Very Bond-y. Nice minimalist dancing.
E    A slick hunk sings in English.
C    He's got a very whiny voice.
I    It's not really delivery on that glissy riff.
C    Yeah. But look at those gravity-defying dancers.
I    Oh. Wow. Yes. Very... un-Newtonian.
E    He's doing all the tossy stage-magician wankery that the title demands. And dare I say, too much.
I    It's not going big enough.
 

Ireland, 0pts
Dervish -  They Can't Stop The Spring

E    Eeeeeeee. It's Irish tweedledee. This stuff should be banned.
C    Yeah. But thy've got Bjork doing it.
I    Heh. She's quite pleasingly squawky at least. And she's not unatractive... But she needs to ditch the fiddling blokes in polo-necks behind her.
E    Very naff.
I    But I like her. I want to give her all my points.
C    Heh.
I    But then I want to take them all away again for the music.
E    It's not as dreadful as at first glance, though. Take the pipes and fiddles away and it's a decent enough number.
 

Finland, 10pts
Hanna Pakarinen -  Leave Me Alone

E    Oh, my word. She's angry. Did I forget our anniversary?
C    They've got Evernescense off to a tee there.
E    Heh. Yeah. Nice.
I    It's an 80s half-power ballad dressed up as emo.
E    That's what Emo is, Ivan.
C    She sings in English.
E    She occasionally threatens to do a sort of Celtic scream, but draws back at the last minute. Needed a key change, that.
 

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, 12pts
Karolina - Mojot Svet

I    Dark twiddles...
E    She sings in foreign.
I    Good old FYROM.
E    Ooh. Wow. Heh. I like. It's in a funny time and bouncing about everywhere.
C    We've had the Turksih and here's a bit of Irish to cover all the bases. Aw she's found a dancer.
I    She's gone English, now.
E    That counts for a key change these days, I think...
 

Slovenia, 7pts
Alenka Gotar - Cvet z juga

C    A goth.
I    Another. It seems to be a new trend.
E    There's always been goths in Eurovision.
I    Yeah, ok. But there seems to be a more concerted effort towards it now. It's more than just an old woman in a basque.
C    Heh. She's turned on her operatic voice.
E    Operatic voices are funny.
I    Yeah. She sings in foreign.
C    That's an evil grin...
I    She's got a glow-in-the-dark hand.
C    Wow. That must be very useful. I want one.
I    #...I have a dream...#
E    Hmm. Ooh. Key change. And opera warbles. Points on for that.
I    Yes.
C    The air-conditioning's clicked on again.
I    Heh.
 

Hungary, 0pts
Magdi Rúzsa - Unsubstantial Blues

C    Lesbian with a suitcase.
E    She's trying to sing in English.
I    Is she?
E    Yes.
C    Whenever Terry says something's good, it invariably turns out to be some dreadful Radio 2 fodder of the lowest order.
E    Dig that guitar.
I    Why's she got a bus-stop?
C    She's leaving home.
E    Good riddance.
C    Guitarist gets carried away...
E    This is '80s AOR toss and has no place in Eurovision.
I    It is dreadful.
E    "Except an evernescent unsubstantial blues".
 

Lithuania, 0pts
4Fun - Love Or Leave

E    Flamenco guitar.
I    A leather-clad impish singer-songwriter-guitarist girl. Mmm.
C    That's a very naff stage-set: sillhoetted band-members performing behind a screen. It makes me want to vomit.
I    Nasty.
E    I think it must be left over from the last one.
C    This is pretty rubbish café drivvel.
I    Yeah. Very European in a biscuity way. Very Balsen.
C    Heh.
 

Greece, 0pts
Sarbel -  Yassou Maria

E    Ricky Martin. In English.
C    Very Ricky Martin.
I    Another whiny voice.
E    Female backing dancers dressed in rags.
C    Ricky Martin could definitely take legal action over this one.
E    Yes. It takes plagiarism into new dimensions.
C    Bit of ribbon-play. Very 2006.
I    Yes. Get with it, Greece.
 

Georgia, 0pts
Sopho - Visionary Dream

E    Woman in a red dress. The first of the year. Sings in English.
C    Like a modern Bond theme...
I    With a slight post-Bjork flavour.
E    Yeah, ok. It's a little bit Bjorky I suppose. David Arnold-y. Bit of Georgian noodling.
C    And sword-dancing.
 

Sweden, 0pts
The Ark - The Worrying Kind

I    Suitably glam for Sweden.
C    Glam rock.
E    "Love Goes Where My Roesmary Goes"... Eddison Lighthouse.
C    They're a sort of gothic glam.
E    Singing in English.
I    No. They've just got a black and white TV. Not to the usual Swedish standards this, is it.
C    It has a rotating stage though.
I    Yes.
 

France, 1pt
Les Fatals Picards - L'Amour À La Française

C    Terry tells me they're wearing Gautier.
I    Looks more like a dead cat. This sounds familiar.
E    It's a quirky little number. Like TV Personalities or something.
I    Right. Yeah. It's ok.
E    They sing in French and in English.
C    They're very hyperactive.
I    Is it getting faster?
E    It ought to.
 

Latvia, 6pts
Bonaparti.lv - Questa Notte

C    He looks a cad and a bounder.
E    There's another. They sing in foreign.
I    There's three of them now, including an operatic one.
C    Here's the bit of rough. Not bad, this, really. In a slightly silly sort of way. It's a big rousing number from a naff musical.
E    Heh. There's loads of them on stage now.
I    Six.
E    Yeah! A drop-out! Not had one of them for a bit. This is very good. In a crap way.
E    Heh.
 

Russia, 8pts
Serebro - Song #1

I    Ooh. I say. Naughty school-girls!
C    Again. From the nation that gave us TaTu.
E    Electronic bass riff and the weight of early Girls Aloud.
C    Bit Britney in the chorus.
E    They're singing in English.
I    They're winning in the sexy stakes, aren't they.
E    Yes. I think they are. In a St Trinians sort of way. Ooh another breakdown.
C    A rather confused breakdown. Seemed to get a bit lost there.
E    "My bad ass spinning for you".
C    Well really.
 

Germany, 0pts
Roger Cicero - Frauen regier'n die Welt

E    Gyah! Swing.
I    This is why we fought two wars against them.
C    Heh. He sings in Deutsch.
E    Not good, this.
C    Swing is one of those marginally trendy things, and this will probably pull some votes.
I    It should pull a big rope connected to a fifty ton weight. That's what it should pull.
E    Heh. Yes.
C    Is it worse than Hungary?
E    Ooh...
I    No.
C    He's broken from the subtitles and is now singing in English.
 

Serbia, 0pts
Marija Šerifovic - Molitva

E    What's that? Something from the '80s...
C    Oh... I know what you mean... Um...
I    She looks a card. Sings in foreign.
E    Heh. Nazi women in black ties and red sashes.
I    She looks like Jeremy from Airport. Not that I ever watched Airport, you understand.
E    Irish twiddling there. That chorus was ripped off too.
C    Fantastic lesbian business going off there.
I    Heh. Very odd.
E    It's a stock Eurovision chorus. Ooh. Key change.
I    Heh. You watching this? They're very earnest.
C    I like their Charlie's Angels hair. It goes with the look.

[I    Jesus Christ. It's a fucking moomin.]
 

Ukraine, 4pts
Verka Serduchka - Dancing Lasha Tumbai

E    Heh. It's Timmy Mallet with big tits and a star on his head. He/she/it sings in German.
I    I'm beging to see why this is the favourite.
C    Looks like a scene from Royston Vasey The Musical.
I    She does look like she might have a pen obsession. And a weak heart, it seems.
E    Singing in English and something else now.
I    These Ukranians. "Ok. Happy End."
 

United Kingdom, 0pts
Scooch - Flying the Flag (for You)

C    Sub-Steps balls. This rips off a Slovenian drag-act entry from five years ago.
I    If they name-check every nation then those nations will vote... Alas not for the UK.
E    No. They'll vote for Chris Biggins with a star on his head and a pair of enormous breasts.
C    They're dishing out Bucks Fizz.
I    Those speaky bits are a bit repressed. They seem all the more mimed for it.
E    It's all a bit shit.
I    Not as good as the Slovenian one we keep referring back to.
E    No.
 

Romania, 0pts
Todomondo - Liubi, Liubi, I Love You

C    Oh, God. Are they going to sing this happy ditty in every language?
I    Looks like it. But I assume they'll have to be quite selective given the time available.
C    Yes. I don't expect we'll get Georgian.
I    No. Or Hungarian for that matter.
E    Or even Finnish at this rate.
C    It's an annoying happy ditty.
I    Yes it is. It's getting faster though, as all bazukithons should.
E    Stop now, though. Please. In the end they sang English, Italian, Spanish, Russian, French,and Romanian.
 

Bulgaria, 5pts
Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankoulov - Water

C    She's a goth in a red bustier.
I    About time we had a red bustier.
E    Hardcore Eastern warbling in foreign.
I    With a New Romantic drummer.
E    I own albums that sound like this.
I    Heh. Yes. Yes you do.
E    I've got a Gong album with exactly that riff on it.
I    Crikey.
 

Turkey, 0pts
Kenan Dogulu - Shake It Up Sekerim

C    Obligatory belly-dancers.
I    From the UK, Tel keeps telling us. We're being implored to "Shake It!" by the backdrop.
E    Tel's right about the singer being Chris Moyles' younger brother.
I    More than a hint of Ricky Martin again.
C    Yes but not really to the same plagiaristic extent. Bond-y moment there.
I    It's all a bit flat and uninteresting.
C    He's no Justin Timberlake.
E    For the record, he sings in English: "Shake it up shakerim". The latter is the only Turkish evident. It means sweetheart.
 

Armenia, 0pts
Hayko - Anytime You Need

E    The penultimate number is also the first typically Eastern European dirge-ballad of the night.
I    It's not very dark though. Except perhaps that tree.
C    Slight hint of pan-pipe. Is he bleeding?
I    Oh dear. He's been shot. Very... Dramatic.
E    He sang in English and Armenian.
 

Moldova, 2pts
Natalia Barbu - Fight

E    Ooh. For the first time tonight, I find myself saying: It's got a good beat. She sings in foreign.
C    Goth again.
E    More "steam-punk" than Goth, I think. Heh. It's turned into a normal cycling Eurovision chorus!
I    Heh.
E    English now. Bilingual very much the trend these days.
I    There'd better be a key change or I want my money back. It'll be very flat without a key change.
E    These stabs will not suffice. Ah. There we go. But not very well executed. Rather clumsy.
 

C    Aw. It's Father Christmas.
I    He appears to have a claw.
C    That's a mitten.
I    Oh.

C    Hello, Helsinki! These are the scorings of the AView Jury:

12pts    FYR Macedonia
10pts    Finland
 8pts    Russia
 7pts    Slovenia
 6pts    Latvia
 5pts    Bulgaria
 4pts    Ukraine
 3pts    Belarus
 2pts    Moldova
  1pt    France

We had trouble finding a stand-out number this year, and were left with a load that were all much of a muchness. The double-recap came in very handy, but even then it was all a matter of coin-tossing to get our final points array. Tel goes on about block voting, but even we could only find one point for Western Europe. As far as the real vote went, the winner was Serbia's lesbian Charlie's Nazis.