Your reviewers: Chrissie Hammond,  Evan Paris,  and  Ivan Methuselah.

I   Can we just address one thing before we start?
C   What's that?
I   This political voting business... I just want to say, it's bollocks.
C   Right.
I   Do we really believe that every televote is rigged? If not, then we're assuming that whole populations are voting politically, which seems a bit far fetched.
C   Right.
I   Now sure, maybe Ukraine would vote Russia if they were worried that the gas was going to be cut if they didn't. But that in itself assumes that Russia will base its political decisions on the outcome of a TV show. Which seems pretty mad. And, if you were Ukranian and political, surely the last place you'd vote for is Russia anyway? No... I don't think this is political. I think it's social. I think the Eastern Bloc Block Vote is down to a shared culture more than political machination.
C   You finished?
I   Yes.
C   Right. Then let us begin. All stand for Te Deum.
E   And here, lady and gentleman, is the beer.
I   Hurrah. Last year's winner then:
C   Ah good, a Lesbian Marriage.
I   She looks very odd, that bride.
C   Yes.
E   Ah. She's hiding a suit.
I   Good start. Cross dressing. Ah! That music-hall trick of half and half costume. Goodo.
C   Ooh. An extended version...
I   Is that strictly kosher?
E   They've all stripped to their undies.
I   Filthy buggers.
E   That's the worst robotic dancing I've ever seen.
C   It's ok. It's not an entry. It doesn't matter. They're not really trying.
E   Here's the presenters:
C   She's Serbia's best handball player.
E   I like her voice.
I   That's fantastic.
E   He speaks in French.
C   He's an accordionist and the winner of the Golden Tambourine festival. He also wrote Serbia's entry this year.
E   And now they kiss.
I   They're on the drink early.
C   Ok. First postcard.
E   Looks like art.
I   Will they all be like this?
C   I do hope not.

Romania, 0pts
Nico and Vlad - Pe-o Margine de Lume (On the edge of the world)

I   Three men in suits.
E   Piano ballad. Sexy backing vocalists.
I   It's beginning to soar, majestically.
C   Heh. A woman in a white dress and a tortured voice breaks the carefully constructed atmosphere.
I   It is a duet!
E   She can't really sing in the conventional sense can she...
I   It's microtonal.
C   That was a good laugh.
E   They sang in foreign.

United Kingdom, 0pts
Andy Abraham - Even If

I   That's a cheap suit with some tinsel stitched along the edge.
C   Quite funky.
E   Yeah. Not bad. Bid M-People. But not bad.
C   Ooh. He's a big bassist.
I   Rather competent really, this.
C   Quite retro. Not really very Eurovision.
E   Break it down, kids.
I   Band on stage... no buggering about with dancers. It's a very straight number. Surprisingly competent.
C   But is it too normal?
E   It's an improvement on recent years, at any rate. This could get in our points.

Albania, 0pts
Olta Boka - Zemrën E Lamë Peng (We put our hearts at stake)

C   She's quite severe... with the fashion sense of a "Sim".
E   She sings in foreign.
I   Who translated this? "Clock pointers"? Do they mean 'hands'?!
C   That was fairly dull.
E   Slightly folky stuff like a bad Espers.

Germany, 0pts
No Angels - Disappear

E   They sing in English. Or at least they try to.
I   Reminiscent of the Furies of Greek Mythology, aren't they.
C   Again, they're singing a little flat...
E   I wonder if there's a problem with the monitors again...
I   I particularly like the ginger one. She's like a scary Anni-Frid.
C   They are quite ugly.
E   I think they might be men.
C   They do have that Sex in the City drag-queen chic going on.
E   This is a ploddy sort of synth-led pop-ballad number. And dull.

Armenia, 0pts
Sirusho - Qele Qele (Come on, come on)

E   She sings in foreign.
I   But not for long.
C   Yeah. Very bilingual.
E   This is the modern Eurovision style. Very Ruslana.
C   Three men dance around a woman in a grey tassled rah-rah dress.
I   This is fairly shallow.
E   Ah... pipery...

Bosnia & Herzegovina, 7pts
Laka - Pokušaj (Try)

E   They look like Strawberry Switchblade or something.
C   More wedding dresses...
I   And a man from a panto!
E   He sings in foreign.
C   Yeah... this is a bit Widow Twanky. Though I assume it's actually some sort of elaborate feminist comment.
I   They dance madly.
E   The music's swinging out now into a pounding pop rhythm. The Killers would be proud.
C   Quite glam.

C   And now an ad break. What is this woman going on about?
I   This is great.
E   Someone give her a sedative.

Israel, 0pts
Boaz - The Fire In Your Eyes

C   This is written by Dana International, apparently.
E   A high voiced man sings a dull ballad, in foreign.
C   Kicks up a bit in the chorus, though.
E   But all very Radio 2.
I   Second verse in English.
C   Now there's a gang of them.
E   Very 'album track'.
I   Ah. A bit of 'turkestry'.
C   Far too earnest, as always.
I   Yes.

Finland, 3pts
Teräsbetoni - Missä miehet ratsastaa (Where men ride)

E   Ah! Some metal!
I   Good old Finland.
C   Heh.
E   In foreign.
I   They're not dressed as Orks this time. But it's still quite Beastmaster, none-the-less.
E   "Where all the men ride forth / there the sheep cannot graze".
C   Naturally, this is another band performance.
E   Heh. That's a very '80s solo. Wow.
C   A capella.
E   Key change!
C   Is that the first of the night?!
E   It's an amazingly by numbers version of a metal track. Good.

Croatia, 1pt
Kraljevi Ulice and 75 cents - Romanca (Romance)

C   An old man in a hat.
E   Great!
C   Quite Latin.
I   Ah, look. A middle-aged man in a different-coloured hat.
C   To the side, a woman performs a parody of Flamenco.
I   A gramaphone is also on stage.
E   I like this old rapper...
I   ...75 Cents indeed...
E   I like him very much.
C   I like that dress the backing vocalist is wearing very much.
I   Going a bit klezmic there.
E   Ooh. Scratching on the gramaphone... Is that legal? Surely that counts as a sample...
C   Samples are against the rules.

Poland, 0pts
Isis Gee - For Life

I   Did Tel just say "you haven't seen teats like this since the Osmonds"?
C   'Teeth', by the looks of it.
I   Oh.
C   It's Barbie.
E   Dull ballad. In English. All very Celine Dion.
C   She needs to stay off the sunbed.
E   I don't think it helps that they've dusted her with gold like that.
I   She went a bit hoarse there on that big note.
E   Which matters if you're doing a power ballad. That'll count against her.
C   Thankyou, she says. And much much more.

Iceland, 12pts
Euroband - This Is My Life

I   Hurrah!
C   Welcome back, Iceland.
E   Ooh. Big beat!
C   And a pixie boy-band vocalist.
E   He sings in English. Sequenced backing. It's a techno-ballad.
I   Like those CD's you see advertised on Channel 4.
C   Very gay nightclub. Ooh. A woman.
I   Heh.
E   Doing a 1980s Sam Fox impersonation. Lots of gurning. I like that.
I   Yes, well this is good fun.
E   Europop is why we're here isn't it? I like the big backing vocalists too.
I   Yes. They add gravitas.
C   Heh.

Turkey, 2pts
Mor ve Ötesi - Deli (Crazy)

E   Rock number with guitars on stage. He sings in foreign.
I   He's got a very pointy face.
E   Minor chords...
I   He looks like... like a Vulcan...
E   It's another entry with the audacity to sound like a real song. This time it's a hard-rock Bond theme. Very Manics actually.
C   Oh yes...
E   Yeah. Very Manics. But with better lyrics, naturally.
C   Because they're in foreign.
E   Yes.
I   The faster you go, the more you can squeeze into your three minutes.
E   And so they have a quick thrash. Ok.

C   Another interlude. She wears what appears to be a silver bedsheet.
E   Aha! Green Room!
I   This is very loud. Very raucous. I'm quite scared.

Portugal, 4pts
Vânia Fernandes - Senhora do Mar (Negras Águas) (Lady of the Sea (Dark Waters))

C   Terry says: "They have a big passion for jumping up and down on big balls".
I   I think that was the people in the postcard.
C   Oh.
E   Here we go.
C   She's an interesting shape.
I   She escaped from the Finnish retinue.
E   Heh, yes.
C   Very severe. Very squat... Quite wide... Like a candle-snuffer.
I   She has a hint of the Miriam Margoyles about her.
E   Ooh... a lighter-waver. Quite a good lighter-waver too. Has a hint of Dusty to it. And now it's gone Moorish.
I   Accordion.
E   Hysterical staccato backing vocals. Very nice. And a key change!
I   Applause!
E   It's quite marchy now. And good for it!
I   The audience like that!

Latvia, 0pts
Pirates of the Sea - Wolves of the Sea

C   Pirates!
I   Heh. It's like Gilbert and Sullivan to a Eurobeat!
E   In English: "Pirates will stand and the loser will fall / with a hii hii hoo / with a hii hii hey!
C   Typical cartoon Europop, like the UK entry last year. But not quite as painful.
E   Only just...

Sweden, 8pts
Charlotte Perrelli - Hero

E   Ooh. A dark Eurobeat. Oooh.
I   She's in black and white... that's... weird...
C   She's in colour now.
I   Another one who looks like a drag queen.
E   But being Sweden, it's inevitably good stuff. Those Swedes know their stuff: well paced, well organised...
C   In English... Another tassely dress; This time silver.
I   Her retinue is expanding.
C   It's all going very Bonnie Tyler.
I   It is called Hero.
E   Drop-out. Key change. This is pure Eurovision!

Denmark, 0pts
Simon Mathew - All Night Long

C   In English.
I   He appears to be dressed as Dexy's Midnight Runners.
E   The music is like a bad '80s pastiche of the Kinks.
C   He looks like a boy band boy.
E   Radio 2 would wet themselves with this. It's not pleasant. Someone could sue over that middle 8.
C   It's too stompy to be anything other than annoying cheese.
I   Denmark are so geographically close to Sweden, and yet so musically different.
C   Pisses on your social theory of voting then, dunnit...

I   Ooh. Saucy nurses!
E   Heh. It's to introduce Georgia.
I   Hah.

Georgia, 0pts
Diana Gurtskaya - Peace Will Come

C   They're not moving.
E   Now they move. Or they start to at any rate.
C   She's going with some sort of cyber-punk chic, there.
E   She sings in English.
I   Heh.
E   Turn of the '90s schoolyard chant in a minor key... redolent of Martika's Toy Soldiers...
C   Her sunglasses are a key touch...
I   This is post-apocalyptic retro...
E   Ooh!
I   Fire just shot out of the dancers' hands. That's impressive.
C   That's a very very impressive quick costume change!
E   What?
I   A blanket swept over them and suddenly they're in hospital gowns.

Ukraine, 10pts
Ani Lorak - Shady Lady

E   Some "Papa Don't Preach" strings.
I   Ooh. This looks good...
C   A tassely silver dress... again.
E   She gyrates very well...
C   Club anthem from the '80s...
I   Oh yes... this is good.
E   Energetic...
C   Like Ottowan, with a beat!
E   She's very attractive. Which always helps.
I   She's like Suzi Perry.
C   Sung in English.
E   Nice pole-dance silhouettes. A good breakdown, with strings and sequencers.
I   This is going to be tough to judge, I can see...

France, 5pts
Sébastien Tellier - Divine

C   Female backing vocalists in sunglasses and fake beards.
I   I smell a novelty.
E   And here's a bearded singer, in sunglasses...
I   Arriving by Chock-a-Block buggy...
E   He sounds a bit like Jarvis Cocker.
C   And sings in English.
E   Very controversial, apparently. He's singing the title in French by way of appeasement.
C   He does sound a bit Jarvis-y at times.
E   You know, Pulp once threatened to enter Eurovision...
I   He's taking helium.
C   It didn't last very long.
I   And now it's gone quiet.
E   And a little Brigitte Fontaine.
I   Hmm.
E   Interesting.

Azerbaijan, 6pts
Elnur and Samir - Day After Day

E   Falsetto operatics courtesy of... an angel.
I   This is very very very camp...
C   He screams wonderfully.
E   It's demons versus angels.
I   Very Finnish.
E   In English.
I   Heh. Contact lens industry doing well in Azerbaijan, I see...
C   Ooh. The devil has risen... in another black-to-white quick change!
I   Crikey.

Greece, 0pts
Kalomira - Secret Combination

E   Bazouki rhythms...
C   Another lithe woman in tassels...
I   Pink tassels this time.
E   This is all a bit too Madonna though.
C   Sung in English.
E   Too cheap and nasty.
I   And a bit too pervy... bit too Girls Aloud... I feel a bit dirty watching it... a bit... pervy old man.
C   Oooh. Her bodice has been torn away, revealing beneath a metallic chest.
I   The subtitles are terribly out of synch this year.

Spain, 0pts
Rodolfo Chikilicuatre - Baila el Chiki Chiki (Dance the Chiki Chiki)

I   A toy guitar.
E   And fake quiffs.
C   Novelty again.
I   Clearly a bit Lembit Opik tribute going on...
C   This brings back bad Drunken-Summer-in-Ibiza pain...
E   It's not novel enough. Just a bit crap.
I   Yes... And I'm not sure about these subtitles.

Serbia, 0pts
Jelena Tomašević and Bora Dugić - Oro (Hora)

E   Dramatic stringy Balkan folk.
I   Sounds a bit like Monkey Island 2.
C   In foreign.
E   Touch Irish there.
C   Very soaring ballad. Very powerful... Not very interesting.
E   Ivan's exploding beer is more so...

Russia, 0pts
Dima Bilan - Believe

E   In English.
C   It's very drab.
E   A '90s boyband ballad.
C   New Kids...
I   I'm getting "Nothing's Going to Change My Love For You"
E   Glen Medeiros?
I   I believe so.
C   Some frantic fiddling going on there.
I   Very appropriate...
C   He wears white. Very much the colour this year, it seems.
I   Ah. An ice-skater has entered the arena and is proceeding to prance about like an idiot.
E   Hah!
I   That was very silly.
C   He's still gesturing...

Norway, 0pts
Maria - Hold On Be Strong

E   She sings in English.
C   She's from that school that is singer more than gyrator. But she's going to give it a go anyway.
E   This is uninteresting Radio 2 balladry. Lots of little guitar twiddles. One for the oldies.
I   Not for me.
C   Its heart's in the right place. But that's no good.

C   Here is a Serbian basketballer. He is very tall.

And now, here are the final votes of the AView jury:

12pts   Iceland
10pts   Ukraine
 8pts   Sweden
 7pts   Bosnia & Herzegovina
 6pts   Azerbaijan
 5pts   France
 4pts   Portugal
 3pts   Finland
 2pts   Turkey
 1pt    Croatia

We had some serious disagreements this year over where things should come. The UK was sketched in for 1pt for a good while before we decided the old rapper really deserved it more. The top three started off in reverse order, and it took several arm-wrestles and an exchange of money before the final arrangement was settled upon. But all three were big-beat Europop anthems. Europe, of course, had different ideas, and voted for Russia. Maybe Ivan's right and living under Soviet rule for half a century created a common taste, or maybe there really is a giant political conspiracy across the Warsaw Pact nations. Discus.