R.B.5
  12
A / V   W O M A N   &
A V I E W

2 0 0 8
1
SERIAL NO.

IM  448199
IVAN METHUSELAH'S
DIGI-BOX RATION BOOK
SCORECARD

OCTOBER
 NOVEMBER DECEMBER
27-3
4-10
11-17
18-24
25-31
TOTAL
1-7
8-14
15-21
22-28
TOTAL
29-5
 6-12 13-19 20-26
TOTAL
36
6
12
53
16
4
6
26
19
4
10
33
19
4
13
36
21
5
7
33
84
19
50
153
24
5
10
37
20
6
8
35
19
6
28
53
21
8
8
37
88
23
58
169
16
5
5
26
11
6
20
37
21
6
19
46
21
6
39
66
78
23
100
201
B4, 33
F4, 07
B2, 04
C4, 04
R5, 03
R4, 03
B1, 03
I1, 02
 B2, 11
F4, 03
E4, 03
B1, 03
R5, 02
R4, 02
BC, 02
B4, 01
 		B2, 09
Bi, 05
C4, 05
I1, 05
B1, 03
R5, 02
R4, 02
B4, 01
C5, 01
 B2, 13
B1, 05
F4, 05
C4, 04
R5, 02
R4, 02
B4, 02
V1, 02
BC, 01
 		B2, 10
E4, 08
I1, 04
R4, 03
F4, 03
R5, 02
B1, 02
B4, 01 		B2, 44
F4, 17
B1, 14
C4, 13
B4, 13
R5, 11
R4, 11
E4, 11
I1, 09
Bi, 05
BC, 03
V1, 02
C5, 01 		B2, 16
B1, 04
R4, 03
F4, 03
R5, 02
C4, 02
BC, 01
B3, 01
B4, 01
I1, 01
E4, 01
C5, 01
 B2, 14
R4, 04
B4, 03
R5, 02
B1, 02
C4, 02
F4, 02
5U, 02
I2, 02
BC, 01

 F4, 10
B2, 09
I1, 08
B1, 05
C4, 04
B4, 04
C5, 04
R5, 02
B7, 02
R4, 02
 BC, 02
E4, 02
I2, 01
 B2, 11
B4, 07
I1, 04
R4, 04
R5, 02
B7, 02
 BC, 02
B1, 02
I4, 01
C4, 01
C5, 01
 B2, 51
F4, 17
B4, 15
I1, 15
B1, 14
R4, 13
C4, 09
R5, 08
BC, 08
C5, 06
B7, 04
M4, 03
E4, 03
I2, 03
5U, 02
B3, 01
I4, 01
 B2, 08
B4, 05
R5, 02
B7, 02
BC, 02
I1, 02
F4, 02
R4, 01
B1, 01
C4, 01
 B2, 10
F4, 04
M4, 04
B4, 03
C4, 03
R4, 02
R5, 02
B7, 02
BC, 02
I2, 02
B1, 01
C5, 01
I1, 01
 B2, 13
F4, 08
B4, 04
I1, 03
C4, 03
5L, 03
R4, 02
R5, 02
B7, 02
B1, 02
BC, 02
I2, 01
5U, 01
 F4, 19
B1, 12
M4, 08
B2, 06
5U, 05
5L, 03
R3, 02
R5, 02
R4, 02
B4, 02
I2, 02
C5, 02
C4, 02
BC, 01
I1, 01
 B2, 40
B4, 31
F4, 31
B1, 20
M4, 15
C4, 09
R5, 08
R4, 07
5U, 06
I1, 07
B7, 06
C5, 06
I2, 06
BC, 05
5L, 03
R3, 02
I3, 02
V1, 02
2008 - OCTOBER, NOVEMBER & DECEMBER
We'll run through this season and then when that's out of the way we'll do the whole year. Won't that be nice? We start with Figures 4.1 and 4.2:
Figure 4.1 - TV, Radio and Film, week by week


Figure 4.2 - TV, Radio and Film, day by day

Overall          TV          Radio          Film
The end of September was a strong week for television thanks to BBC4's Arts TV strand. 11th October was a strong day if only for the conjunction of a couple of good films and some fairly decent telly (the Stirling Prize, Buzzcocks, and Hole in the Wall... nothing monumental, but all three worth a couple of points). The next peak came in November; the 16th to be precise: Black Narcissus, Star Wars, and For a Few Dollars More all on at pretty much the same time: a multiplex afternoon. Then there was a slight lull until Christmas. Throughout the season, radio has been pretty solidly scoring around 5pts, with the only break-out being in November when The Archive Hour helped it stretch to 8pts.
Figure 4.3 - Network by network, week by week

BBC TV          ITV TV          4TV          5TV          BBC Radio
Again it's not a bad run for 4TV, with a lead against the BBC over Christmas. A lot of this, of course, was by virtue of films you've seen before. But they gave us some television too; mainly Ian McKellan does Shakespeare. Still, Christmas aside, the dominant force remains BBCTV: not just that massive chimney of Arts TV in the first week, but (with the last week in October aside) an effortless wall of quality throughout. I say quality but it's worth remembering that the beeb has more channels than any of the other networks, so there's a bit of width to feel too. We'd better explore that in a little more detail:

Figure 4.4 - BBC TV, channel by channel, week by week

BBC1          BBC2          BBC3          BBC4          BBC Radio
In addition to these five, BBCi and CBBC also clocked up points (in fact they both accrued more points than BBC3 here) but their presence on the graph would've cluttered things a bit too much. Suffice it to say that BBCi managed a little lump of Snookery goodness, and CBBC gave us a fairly consistent dribble of Sarah Jane Adventures through the last half of the run. B3 in comparison had a dreadful close to the year, only coming up for air once in the three months. This point was Mouth to Mouth, a three-way monologue about a talent-show girl-band: nicely done if not wholly original (and its heart was firmly located just to the left-hand side of its chest cavity). BBC4's artistic repetition stands proudly at the opening of the run, screaming to the rooftops "BBC4 lives!!" before promptly dying into a crevice so low that even BBC1 overshadows it. Both B4 and the wireless have shortlived renaissances in the second half of November, with Purdey, Gambit and Steed leading the televisual new avengeance and clearing the path for the likes of Gergiev Conducts. Naturally, BBC1 comes out best come Christmas Day. And while all this is going on, or not as the case sometimes was, there at the back, ticking along nicely, observe BBC2 steadfastly doing its bit.

Figure 4.5 - Digital vs Analogue, week by week
Digital          Analogue

Smile. This graph plots digital-only channels against the output of the old analogue five. It provides an instant snapshot of the value of digital television as a means to increased content. There were only two weeks of this run in which digital outperformed analogue and the were the first and they last. In the first, as already mentioned about half a dozen times, BBC4 had a season of Arts TV repeats. In the last, Film4 and More4 clubbed together to ensure that we had enough overplayed films and overacted Shakespeare to keep us out of the Quality Streets. In the interim both lines were suitably sawtoothed, but analogue maintained undoubtable command. BBC2 can be thanked for this.
Figure 4.6 - Analogue channels week by week

BBC1          BBC2          ITV1          Channel 4          five

 That ridge at 15th November contains Star Wars for the ITV and For a Few Dollars More on C5. Christmas Day on BBC1 again stands proud. C4 waves to us at the start of the run. And BBC2 does all the hard work.
Figure 4.7 - Network by network, TV Programmes versus Film, week by week

BBC TV          ITV TV          4TV          5TV

 Here's the ever-popular TV v Film graph. Above 0 is TV, below is film. So you can see the lack of films on BBC TV, the totality of films on 5TV, and the majority share to film over (under in graphical terms) TV for the other two networks. When you consider the probability that you've seen most of these films before, and may even own many of them, the effective share of the BBC becomes all the greater.
Figure 4.8 - Average performance of each weekday

Overall          TV          Radio          Film

 Saturday remains the strongest day to stay in, this time to watch television more than film. Film's strongest day is now Sunday. Mayo & Kermode on R5 continues to make Friday the best day for radio. Wednesday is pub day.

Ok. That's the seasonal graphs out of the way. Now let's examine the table.

POSITION
(Sep '08 position)
CHANNEL
TOTAL PTS
(change)
AV. PTS/WK
(13 week run)
 AV. PTS DEC'07
AV. PTS DEC'06
AV. PTS DEC'05
 AV. PTS DEC'04
1 (2)
BBC 2
134 (+88)
10
 7
6
5
 1
2 (=10)
BBC 4
67 (+49)
5
 3
5
3
 4
3 (1)
Film4
66 (+14)
5
 4
3
-
 -
4 (=10)
BBC 1
45 (+27)
3
 3
3
2
 0
5 (=3)
Radio 4
32 (-1)
2
 3
1
2
 1
=6 (6)
ITV 1
31 (+1)
2
 2
0
2
 0
=6 (9)
Channel 4
31 (+10)
2
 2
2
4
 2
8 (=3)
Radio 5L
27 (-6)
2
 0
0
0
 0
9 (RE)
CBBC
16 (+16)
1
 1
0
0
 0
10 (7)
More4
15 (-10)
1
 3
0
1
 -
11 (=19)
E4
14 (+12)
1
 0
0
1
 0
=12 (22)
Radio 7
10 (+9)
1
 0
0
0
0
=12 (12)
Five
10 (-3)
1
 1
1
1
 0
=14 (14)
Five US
8 (-1)
1
 0
0
-
-
=14 (16)
ITV 2
8 (+2)
1
 1
0
1
 0
16 (=19)
 BBCi
 5 (+3)
 0 0 0 0 0
17 (RE) Fiver
 3 (+3) 0 0 0 - -
=18 (15) Radio 3
 2 (-6) 0 0 1 0 0
=18 (17)
 Virgin 1
 2 (-4)
 0 0 - - -
=20 (5) BBC 3
 1 (-30) 0 2 3 1 0
=20 (16)
 ITV 4
 1 (-5)
 0 1 0 1 0
 
With a massive weekly average of 10pts, BBC2 firmly restates its dominance. At the other end of the scale, ITV3 vanishes from sight. The biggest faller is BBC3, which returns a little closer to normality after an overactive run in the Summer. We could sit here and muse on the table for hours, but time is pressing. Let us instead do the whole thing again for the full year:
2008 - FULL YEAR ANALYSIS
Our first graph considers each month's performance:
Figure 5.1 - TV, Radio and Film, month by month

Overall          TV          Radio          Film
Radio had a strong summer thanks more to a variation in my own daily routine than anything the broadcasters were doing. Television's curve is almost the inverse, with a lousy summer, but in this case the networks were to blame (programme controllers go on holiday in the summer). TV's peaks coincide with the Easter and Autumn schedules. Film follows a similar sort of trajectory, with an extra peak mid-year (coinciding with the expiry of the 6-month freeze-out of 1pt films that we've been employing this year). Here's the same graph at a higher resolution:

Figure 5.2 - TV, Radio and Film, week by week

Overall          TV          Radio          Film
That red column at the end of September should be quite familiar to you by now. The Arts TV strand helped bring about the best week for TV all year. Other peaks worthy of note: 5th April = Doctor Who and the Daleks on B4; 12th July = Kubrick Season on M4; 20th December is, of course, Christmas week, and also, it turns out, the best week of the year both for films and overall.
Figure 5.3 - Network by network, month by month

BBC TV          ITV TV          4TV          5TV          BBC Radio
This graph is not entirely dissimilar to the last. The general TV columns in 5.1 map fairly closely to BBC TV here, while the general film maps just as closely to 4TV. And, of course, the values for general radio and BBC Radio are identical. By way of decoration, I've dribbled some ITV and 5TV across the bottom. ITV actually had a pretty good start to the year, albeit mostly thanks to its usual array of half-decent films which then got frozen out until July (when ITV's score oddly enough picked up again).
On that topic is the graph on the right. This shows the breakdown of points-scoring film and TV for each channel over the whole year. TV programming is stacked in red above the X axis, with film as the green stalactites dangling into the negative. BBC2 has the greatest output of television programming, followed closely by BBC4. Film4 has the most film output and (rather unsurprisingly) no TV programmes. So at a glance we can compare the quality of feature films a channel shows with the quality of its television programming. If the scores for film are subtracted from those for TV, only the BBC channels are in the positive. This could be because the BBC is just rubbish at securing the rights to decent films. But it clearly isn't that, as can be seen from the graph: the amount of films on the BBC channels is much the same as for the others with the exceptions of ITV1, Channel 4 and Film4; and even of these exceptions the only channel far and away in excess of the BBC is Film4, and it would be scandalous if that were not the case.

Figure 5.5 - TV versus Film, network by network

 Figure 5.4 - TV versus Film, channel by channel

Figure 5.5, above left, shows the same data as Figure 5.4 but consolidated into the four networks. While the BBC have a larger shop-window than their rivals, the contribution to this study by anything but their main four channels is negligible: beyond BBCs 1-4, only BBCi and CBBC charted this year, together contributing 49 points (a figure which fades into insignificance given the BBC's televisual lead of over 500pts). At the other end of the scale, 5TV is a channel short of its two main rivals and so should be expected to score slightly less points than the rest. None of this really alters the reality that the Beeb massively outshine the other networks on TV programming and are competitive with the ITV on matters cinematic. As the only network with a dedicated movie channel, 4TV should be in the lead on film, and are. They're also second place in terms of straight telly.
Figure 5.6 - BBC TV, channel by channel, month by month

BBC1          BBC2          BBC3          BBC4          BBC Radio

 Let's consider each network on its own terms, starting with the BBC. B1 was largely consistent throughout the year, with a midsummer lull and a Christmas bonus. B2 started well, had a little spike in the middle of its lull (hiding behind the blue tower and owing much to Pulp Fiction), and then exploded in this final quarter. A word or two, I think, is probably needed at this point to explain just where all those points were coming from: Never Mind the Buzzcocks, University Challenge, and the odd bit of Snooker all did their bit, but the real credit must go to their daily shot of that old AView favourite: Strictly Come Dancing... It Takes Two; five episodes a week at 1pt a piece can soon rack up. BBC3 also made a good start to the year, albeit mainly thanks to the sheer weight of an otherwise unimpressive Family Guy. Things soon tailed off to a dribble, but then Doctor Christopher Eccleston appeared for a repeat run of the first Davis-era Doctor Who series, and as a result BBC3 clocked in its greatest result ever. It then keeled over, notching up only 2pts over the last four months of the year (courtesy of the fairly rubbish The Wrong Door and the adequate Mouth to Mouth). Our old favourites, BBC4, had the best of the first six months, and returned with a vengeance after the summer lull with its Arts TV season in September. But then it drifted behind BBC1 and didn't get back into the swing of things until Charlie Brooker and The New Avengers showed up at the end of the year.
Figure 5.7 - ITV, channel by channel, month by month

ITV1          ITV2          ITV3          ITV4

 Here's the performance of the ITV, blown up to a visible size. I1 had the best run, thanks largely to being the only one of the four with any televisual content of interest this year. All four channels show signs of the film-scoring freeze-out that prevents a 1pt film from registering until six months after its last appearance; hence those spikes occurring in the summer. 2pt films are frozen out for five months, and that also seems to have an effect, as exemplified by the end of year performance of ITV2. ITVs 3 and 4 seem to have had a particularly rough time of the last third of the year.
Figure 5.8 - 4TV, channel by channel, month by month

Channel 4          E4          More4          Film4

 Film4 dominates the 4TV landscape, with a bit of a lull in June, partly as a result of the points freeze effect. The biggest spikes come in March (Easter) and December (Christmas). As the first month of the survey, with consequently no freeze outs, January also scores very well. The parent channel, C4, has a steady run, albeit with the obligatory collapse in the summer. The performance of More4 is almost the inverse, thanks to the Kubrick season. The McKellan Shakespeare run this Christmas breaks the shadow somewhat. E4 had a good run this year if only by virtue of Dead Set, which was nice enough.
Figure 5.9 - 5TV, channel by channel, month by month

Five          Five US          Five Life / Fiver

 Five looks so much more healthy when you balloon it into a bar chart. Despite a shaky start (not programming the right films), and a poor October, C5 managed to maintain a fairly consistent presence throughout the year. The higher achievements were attained with the assistance of Dr. House. The newly dubbed "Fiver" had a rotten year, until we hit Christmas and it dusted the odd film off. 5US, though, continued to be something approaching moderately half-decent thanks to its movie collection.

Figure 5.10 - Digital vs Analogue, week by week
Digital          Analogue

Analogue gently oscillates around the 5-15 points range pretty much all the way through to the summer collapse. And then after summer, in a desperate attempt to make amends, it doubles its haul. Digital has the best of the first four months before folding to nothing at the start of June. It recovers again, staying ahead until September when it has another funny spell. Arts TV week creates a terrifying needle but, with the exception of this and Christmas, analogue goes on to have the best of the last quarter; effectively swapping places with digital on the graph.

Figure 5.11 - Analogue channels month by month

BBC1          BBC2          ITV1          Channel 4          five

 An almost inhabitable terrain, though it tells us nothing we didn't already know.
Figure 5.12 - Average performance of each weekday over the year

Overall          TV          Radio          Film

 Saturday was the strongest day, with the most film points, and the third highest columns for both TV and radio. Sunday was also strong. Monday proved the best day for television; Friday for radio thanks to Mark Kermode. Wednesday was the best day to go out.

Enough graphs. Let's have some raw statistics:

165 TV programmes scored points this year, with 752 points awarded overall. Here's a list of the best new TV (i.e. not repeats) of the year (average score in brackets; only programmes exceeding 1.5pts listed):
Jonathan Meades: Magnetic North (3pts)
Gergiev Conducts (2pts)
Eurovision Song Contest (2pts)
King Lear (2pts)
Life in Cold Blood (2pts)
Inside the Medieval Mind (2pts)
The Qur'an (2pts)
Crooked House (2pts)
God on Trial (2pts)
Wallace & Gromit: A Matter of Loaf & Death (2pts)
How to Build a Cathedral (2pts)
Mark Lawson Talks to Melvyn Bragg (2pts)
A Number (2pts)
Building of the Year (2pts)
Tiger: Spy in the Jungle (2pts)
Hughie Green: Most Sincerely (2pts)
The Curse of Steptoe (2pts)
True Stories: Dave Gorman in America Unchained (2pts)
U.S. Election Night (2pts)
Ian Hislop Goes Off The Rails (2pts)
Graham Hill: Driven (2pts)
Motor City's Burning (2pts)
The Lost World of Tibet (2pts)
Reverend Death (2pts)
Glastonbury (2pts)
Match of the Day (2pts)
Q.I. (2pts)
The Frost Report is Back (2pts)
Marty Feldman: Six Degrees of Separation (2pts)
Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe (1.8pts)
Ten Days to War (1.8pts)
Doctor Who (1.7pts)
Never Mind the Buzzcocks (1.7pts)
Snooker (1.7pts)
Dead Set (1.6pts)

48 radio programmes scored (a total of 340 points awarded). Pinter's Landscape came out on top, with Jarvis Cocker's Musical Map of Sheffield and Chekhov's Cherry Orchard managing 2pts a piece.

273 films scored this year, of which 122 scored 1pt, 76 scored 2pts, 38 scored 3pts, 27 scored 4pts, and 10 scored 5pts: namely A Clockwork Orange, Black Narcissus, Citizen Kane, Jackie Brown, Psycho, Pulp Fiction, Star Wars, 2001, Vertigo and Watership Down. 546pts were awarded in total. The most shown scoring films this year were:

All About Eve (10 showings)
Terminator 2 (9 showings)
Shaun of the Dead (8 showings)
The Bourne Supremacy (8 showings)
Black Narcissus (7 showings)
A Matter of Life & Death (7 showings)
The Full Monty (7 showings)
Total Recall (7 showings)
True Lies (7 showings)

That's the parish notices out of the way. Unleash the table!

POSITION
(last year)
CHANNEL
TOTAL PTS
(change)
AV. PTS/WK
 AV. PTS '07
(position)
AV. PTS '06
(position)
AV. PTS '05
(position)
1 (1)
BBC 2
270 (-4)
5
 5 (1)
3 (2)
5 (2)
2 (3)
BBC 4
236 (+76)
5
 3 (3)
4 (1)
5 (1)
3 (2)
Film4
221 (+5)
4
 4 (2)
4 (3)
-
4 (4)
Radio 4
150 (+7)
3
 3 (4)
1 (8)
2 (4)
5 (5) BBC 1
 127 (+8)
 2 2 (5)
 2 (4)
 2 (5)
6 (15)
Radio 5L
126 (+107)
2
 0 (15)
1 (13)
0 (16)
7 (11) ITV 1
 111 (+51)
 2 1 (11)
 1 (12)
 1 (6)
8 (6)
Channel 4
105 (-5)
2
 2 (6)
1 (9)
4 (3)
9 (8)
BBC 3
82 (+10)
2
 1 (8)
2 (5)
1 (10)
10 (9)
More4
61 (-5)
1
 1 (9)
0 (14)
1 (14)
11 (7)
Five
60 (-20)
1
 2 (7)
1 (7)
1 (8)
12 (10)
ITV 4
42 (-19)
1
 1 (10)
1 (10)
0 (17)
13 (19)
R5L SE
33 (+24)
1
 0 (19)
0 (-)
0 (-)
14 (14)
BBCi
33 (+6)
1
 1 (14)
0 (-)
0 (12)
15 (=21)
Five US
28 (+23)
1
 0 (=21)
0 (20)
-
16 (13)
 ITV 3
 27 (-8)
 1 1 (13)
 2 (6)
 1 (7)
17 (23) Virgin 1
 17 (+14) 0 0 (23)
 - -
18 (12) ITV 2
 24 (-13) 0 1 (12)
 0 (16)
 0 (13)
19 (20)
 E4
 20 (+7)
 0 0 (20)
 0 (15)
 0 (15)
20 (16) Radio 3
 16 (+2)
 0 0 (16)
 1 (11)
 1 (11)
21 (17) CBBC
 16 (+3) 0 0 (17)
 0 (-) 0
22 (18)
 Radio 7
 12 (+2)
 0 0 (18)
 0 (19)
 1 (9)
23 (24)
 Radio 2 3 (+1)
 0 0 (24)
 0 (17)
 0 (20)
24 (=21) Fiver 5 (-2)
 0 0 (=21)
 0 (-) -
 
Only two fallers of any significance there: Five and ITV2 both dropping a point-per-week. I2 suffers from the new film-scoring system: it'd've scored 40pts if we used the same system as last year (when it scored 37) and so has actually performed better than it ever has. But in these days when all of us who are interested have now seen True Lies, I2 must pay the penalty for another seven screenings of the bloody thing. As for C5, the fall is less down to films than to its axing of arts output. It deserves all it gets for that, and it only gets 11th place: its worst ever finish. The big risers are BBC4, Radio 5 Live, ITV1, BBC3 (in real terms), Sports Extra, and Five US. The latter has benefited from the other half of the same rule that scuppered I2: that films are now scored up to 5pts. 5US gave us a selection of better-class cinema through the year, and thus reaped a few more points here and there than it would once have been allowed. I1 also gained an advantage from this effect, and also from the antics of the Formula 1 tour. R5 benefited from another rule change: the opening up to scoring of all programming except news. This allowed Simon Mayo and Mark Kermode under the wire, and even Drive squeezed through during the Olympics when it was sufficiently skewed as to be recognizable more as a sports magazine than a news show. Although B3 dropped a place it was up in real terms thanks mainly to the repeat run of Christopher Eccleston's Doctor Who. As for B4, it returned to an average of 5pts per week for the first time since 2005. This may in part have been down to a mellowing on my part: a greater tendency to dish out points. But the Arts TV season was good (flawed as it was, it was still good), the Medieval season was ok, and a spot of Avengers never hurts. We've also had a fair few odds and ends across the year to help maintain a trickle of points. I'll pick over all these details again in the annual channel by channel analysis, which comes next.

BBC One
B1 has maintained a consistent level of form over the years we've been doing this study. It kicks off 2009 by poaching QI from B2, which we can safely assume will earn it a few extra points along the way. But with only four episodes of Doctor Who to come there's a debit column in action too. Jay Hunt is now fully installed as commander in chief, and long-term readers of these pages will know what I think that means for the channel. But I cross my fingers, toes, legs, arms, and eyes in the hope that B1 can keep it together despite the makers of its flagship Strictly Come Dancing being unable to anticipate basic maths problems. As Jonathan "anti-Christ" Ross returns from his exile, how will his arse-end of a chat show be received now? Or will we tolerate it with the potential damoclean threat of Michael McIntyre forever dangling over our exposed soft underbellies lest we wrinkle our collective noses? Without a series of Doctor Who to keep us cosy on Saturdays between Easter and the Summer, what will greet us in its stead? Perhaps an extended run of Hole in the Wall, which rightly or wrongly was one of the highlights on the channel during 2008. And amid all this... perhaps the greatest questionmark must be reserved for what is usually the channel's biggest moment: Eurovision. Without Tel, with our entry turned into another Andrew Lloyd Webber publicity vehicle, and with the scoring system undergoing some monumental renovation, will what appears in May this year be entirely sound? Or will it feel tainted and a bit wrong? Will we feel like we need to have a good shower afterwards?

BBC Two
With Roly Keating off to supervise the BBC archives project, Janice Hadlow steps up to become controller of B2. She replaced Keating at B4 in 2004, and consequently was in charge there throughout the period of our study; that's two first places, a third and a second. With B2 currently in the best health it's been in a long long time (best channel two years in a row), it would be difficult for her to bugger things up even if she tried. As mentioned, QI's gone to B1, but save a couple of specials QI's not been on all year anyway, so this year's score is unlikely to fall in that regard. Top Gear has had its finest days, and I shall stick my slender white neck out and say that for one reason or another it is unlikely to survive beyond 2010. Snooker will always prove a banker, even with BBCi loitering in the background, and Buzzcocks and University Challenge are still ticking along adequately. The greatest difficulty for B2 throughout the last few years has been steering that tricky path between B1, B3 and B4. Comedy on B2 has been pretty slim this year but it made up for it with a run of one-off dramas instead. B4 could've had those, but instead had some tackier dramas cashing in on last year's Fantabulosa!. So B2 has been just about holding its own in certain areas, muscling through in others. But it's clearly doing a sufficient job, as its continued dominance in this study suggests.

ITV 1
Take a look. You're watching the slow death of a national institution. I keep saying things like that and yet look again: it's achieved its second highest placing and its best ever weekly average this year. Still, a lot of those points came from Formula 1 which is another item for B1's "credits" column next year. And most of the rest came from films. Films cost money. And ITV is running out of money. ITV is so short of money that it would really very much like to get rid of its public service remit so that it can get back to printing money by making the sort of shit idiots watch in their millions. First up for the chop is regional variations, so old people's YTV favourite Dales Diary will now only be available in a home-made on-line version. And the multi-region Calendars will be reclumped into Leeds news again. This sort of thing is repeated across the country. Not that it really effects me; I don't watch the buggers anyway. That's not strictly true; if there is some local event or incident I want to learn more about then I turn to the local news. Of course, I hear you grunt, we have the internet now. We don't need Christine Talbot. Except local news even on the internet is pretty rubbish. Here in the Lindrick Triangle we no longer have a free press. We have a website with a few headlines but they only really serve to advertise the once free now pay-to-read newspaper that runs it. Of course, only the other month the BBC were all ready to set up an elaborate network of very local news websites, but were prevented from doing so on competition grounds. Which is great if such competition actually exists but not so great in a local news vacuum. As ITV turns away from its regional past, consolidating its regional news and obliterating its regional programming in an attempt to save pennies, we collectively lose another thread of information, and another element of community understanding is dissolved. Still, it does mean that the ITV can use that money instead on cutting-edge dramas like Lost in Austen (not at all like Life on Mars), Demons (a very late in the day Buffy tribute) and the soon to be massively popular Professor What, due out this Easter, in which Robson Greene travels through time in a Kingston Communications white K6 phone-box with some woman that used to be in EastEnders. Perhaps what the ITV should really put their money towards is some original ideas. But that would involve taking a risk, and in the current economic climate that might be a risk too far. Still. Look at it this way: C5 will go bust long before the ITV is even close to administration.

Channel 4
Down 5pts overall on last year, and in their second lowest position since records began, C4 is still a good way adrift of its third place in 2005. And like the ITV it is far from in good financial health. Its collective fingers are firmly plaited in anticipation of what Ofcom has to say on the matter of its future funding system. In the meantime, C4 is essentially funded by Big Brother, a necessary evil which continues to just about tick along. What did it pay for this year? Well we got a couple of Jon Ronson docs, and the pretty decent The Qur'an; we got the adequate The Sculpture Diaries and we got Bremner, Bird & Fortune reborn with a new-found potency. Comedy on C4 has gone the way of B2, though at least on C4 there's still an attempt to keep at it; it's just that the likes of The IT Crowd and the Whatever Night Project aren't actually very funny. The imports too are a little lack-lustre these-days. But C4 still has a good sense of what makes a good film and that can often help it through even the most wretched season.

Five
Aw, bless. It's Channel 5; the poor-man's analogue broadcaster: born too late to make any impact in a world that already had Sky. This year C5 gave us only two programmes worth caring about: House, and the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures. Gone are the days of prime-time arts programming (thanks to the new head of BBC1). Long gone are the days of The Mole and Angel. In fact C5 looks increasingly indistinguishable from those sundry digital channels like Virgin1. Five is not totally barren; it has the odd good film, and the odd light and fluffy technology doc (usually with Robert Llewellyn), but this year's 11th place is its lowest ranking yet.

ITV 2
I don't expect I2 to appeal to me. I am by far and away not its target audience. And I am by far and away in the minority, which is terribly worrying, and rather suggests that my opinions (upon which these pages are entirely predicated) are somewhat worthless in the grand scheme of things. If you ever find yourself complacent about the future of television, take a look at ITV2 with its endless repeats of soaps and behind the scenes looks at X Factor, and shit yourself. Then turn to ITV 4 and reassure yourself that the future is still a long way away yet.

BBC Three
I don't expect B3 to appeal to me. I am by far and away not its target audience. But then I'm never really sure that anybody is. There was once a time when B3 acted as a platform for new comedy. But even that seems to have dried up (Gavin & Stacey is about as funny as a Peter Kay standup routine), swallowed by endless repeats of Family Guy and Doctor Who (and Doctor Who Confidential). Amid the usual celeb-culture gore there were the odd signs of conscience, including a documentary about sweatshops (Blood, Sweat & T-Shirts) and the one-off talent-show-bating triple-monologue Mouth to Mouth. And occasionally, a repeat run of Doctor Who can even be appealing. As B3 matures, we might expect to see more lifestyle-challenging docs but we also need to see more new comedy, scheduled in a stripped and sensible manner so that people might watch it. Because at the moment the channel doesn't seem to be fulfilling that aspect of its brief which in the past has been one of its stronger cards. It seems to have been this way since Danny Cohen took over in mid-2007; a mixed report then for him.

BBC Four
We've already talked at length about B4, such is our interest in the channel. For 2009 it gets a new controller: Richard Klein. He seems to be a sort of miniature version of his predecessor, both of them having previous form in documentary commissioning and the like. We might therefore expect B4 to continue in much the same vein as it has been in recent years; that is to say struggling for a piece of the market while at the same time trying to tick all its intellectual boxes; very often failing but occasionally producing something worthy of itself. People talk of B4 as being a home for documentaries, but its true talent lies in archive-raiding: giving us some dusty repeats of the sort of thing one simply cannot buy on DVD in HMV. This year's stand-out repeat was undoubtedly Washes Whiter, a 1991 documentary series on advertising. But it was far from alone. Admittedly we had nothing of quite the same epic scope as in the old Timeshift days, but we've hardly been short of interesting stuff. And with the death of Pinter, 2009 should probably kick off much as BBC4 kicked off in the first place, with a good wad of his plays. Hopefully, as former B4 boss Roly Keating gets up to his elbows in old tins of video stock, and the BBC archive is slowly digitized, B4 might be seen as the ideal shop-window for any burgeoning on-line projects. But that is probably something for the more distant future. In the meantime the BBC has to survive whatever Ofcom throws at it regards the great Public Service Broadcasting rethink (a.k.a. "How to Get the ITV Out of the Shit without Spending Anything").

ITV 3
I3 still isn't doing what I want it to. In fact it's not doing it all the more. Which is why it's slipped to its lowest placing ever. I3's image is increasingly chintzy: a smörgåsbord of Christie murder-mysteries and rarely anything at all from before 1980. When you consider the massive archive of stuff that Granada must have in its mitts, it's rather depressing to see endless repeats of Poirot, or worse still Rosemary & Thyme. Still... old women love a mystery, and dementia's one benefit is that it doesn't matter if you've seen the episode before.

Sky 3
Futurama was always a bit of a disappointment, and it remains the stand-out item in S3's menu of repetition. But soon Sky 3 will reposition itself, to become more "female orientated". What does that mean? Apparently it means entertainment shows and dramas. So a lot like all the other channels out there in the digital jungle.

UKTV History
It never seems to show much of any interest these days. Which is perhaps as well cos it's only on during the daytime now anyway. It used to have some interesting repeats. Now less so. Still, it's by no means dreadful. It can fill a gap. But only if you're in at the right time.

Channel 4+1
The greatest trick to overcome with timeshift channels is to remember that they exist. Once you've mastered that they become ever so slightly useful. Still, the opportunity arises only about five times a year, and three of those times you'll forget that C4+1 exists. But whose fault is that? Of course, this bandwidth could be being used for a whole new channel. But Ivan's law dictates that the amount of quality broadcasting on a channel reduces in line with the number of channels offered such that it remains at a constant across the whole. Ivan's law, or Ivan's dictum. I've not decided yet. Dictum has a nicer ring, I think. I should probably sharpen the wording too. Still... you get the idea.

More4
The trouble with M4 is that it's mainly old repeats of Grand Designs. Original programming is pretty thin on the ground. Still, when it comes along it can be quite good, and this Christmas M4 gave us the sort of thing B4 really should (Ian McKellan does Shakespeare) while B4 was pissing about with some recent repeats and the odd programme about jazz. M4 seems to be giving us a good burst of archive-raiding each year (this year we also got the Kubrick Season) which is enough to secure a place mid-table. The rest of the time it gets its points from films (usually the same handful, but see previous parenthesis). It's not really good enough. Less C4 recycling and more original programming is needed. But that costs money. Ok, so empty the cupboards; instead of Grand Designs, give us Treasure Hunt or something. The difficulty there is to avoid becoming simply another ITV3, but then ITV4 seems to just about cope.

QVC
Bless its little cotton socks. Still purveying tat after all these years.

4Music
This Autumn The Hits became 4Music, joining the great C4 party just in time for the last balloon to wither. Two moons later and the pot-plants could hold no more vomit: C4 axed its plans to grow a radio arm in competition against the BBC. So television it must stay. Oh well. 4Music is virtually indistinguishable from The Hits save the odd repeat of the Whatever Night Project and suchlike. In that regard it's probably gone a little bit downhill, as until then the music was pretty-much none-stop. The one benefit is that there are now considerably less busy graphics taking up the screen and covering Britney's nipples.

Dave
UK Gold was for years the favourite channel of many a satellite owner. Now its decidedly battily named sibling has joined us here on Earth, offering a collection of BBC2 offcuts and the occasional piece of (far from dreadful) original programming. Dave takes the Ronseal approach to television programming and gives us unadulterated repetition. The schedule could be better arranged to avoid deserts of Top Gear, and suchlike, but that's a quibble. The trouble with Dave is, of course, that it's all (well almost all) repeats, and most of them are not that old. I saw Buzzcocks when it was on so why would I watch it now? In that respect though, Dave is like a sort of natural iPlayer: the official BBC2 catch-up channel.

Virgin 1
The archetypal digital channel, its blend of low-rent US imports, repeats, shock-docs and the odd good film keep it ticking over. Its films are even good enough to get it in our chart. But at the end of the day it's just another Channel 5. Remember when Branson wanted Channel 5? This is what would've happened. Not very different. And the nights are filled with phone-in competitions, which doesn't help.

TMF
Still ticking along, still showing too many celeb-frotting documentaries rather than sticking to what it does best.

Ideal World
QVC's competition. It's a bit more practical than QVC. A bit.

bid tv
price-drop tv
Depressing. Totally depressing.

ITV 4
ITV4's a channel with its heart in the right place. It's got a good balance of reasonably old repeats: Space 1999, The Sweeney, Randall & Hopkirk etc., and the odd bit of new: usually sport, particularly the World Rally Championship. True, I don't watch any of it, but then there are only so many hours in the day. Back in the days before Changing Rooms, great swathes of BBC2 looked like this, and in those days I used to drink it in. In those days I didn't have the internet, of course. I4 also continues to give us some fairly decent films during the year, which always helps.

E4
E4+1
E4 actually gave us something to watch this year aside from repeats of Friends and Scrubs. It gave us Charlie Brooker's Dead Set, which did not set the world on fire but which was at least a nice idea adequately executed. Still, there was once a time when Noble & Silver lived here. E4, is, of course, not for the likes of you and I, unless we've half an hour spare and can bare to sit through that episode of Friends when Phoebe advertised catfood. It is mainly for putting Big Brother Live on during the summer. It does that pretty well.

ITV2+1
Of all the channels...

Film4
Our reappraisal of film scoring has hardly cut F4 down to size. It still stands proudly in the top three placings, and improved in real terms on last year. Indeed this year we got lashings and lashings of Bergman and even a bit of Tarkovsky, just to confirm that F4 is not resting on its laurels entirely. Still, there's an awful lot of stock films, many of them good, some of them dreadful, most of them seen already. But that's not such a bad thing whilever the odd gem sparkles between them.

Five US
It's an odd channel, which mainly sustains itself through repeats of House, but it's a channel that's given us several good films this year. America, after all, is known for its films, some of which are good. 5US has picked up on this by showing some of those good films. And in so doing it has run itself up a good little position on our scoreboard, averaging a point a week, which is the threshold indicative of a decent channel. Even Virgin1 hasn't made that leap.

Fiver
Since April, Five Life has been called Fiver, which is a little too close to Five for absolute comfort. The change in name has not been followed by any great change in outlook, and the station is still dominated by imported US domestic dramas and Australian soaps. But, as is so often the case with these schlock channels, they do, every now and again, dig out a half decent bit of cinema for our delectation, and Fiver managed to scrape together 5pts through the year by such efforts (all of them in the last run). It came last on our chart which is better than most of these channels achieve.

Smile TV
Barely-porn phone-in channel in which busty ladies stroke themselves and talk about their day. Less interesting than it sounds. There's also Smile TV2 which is lower quality and lives in a teletext feed. If you've seen Smile TV before 3 in the morning, it would've been Smile TV2.

Nuts TV
Alas, Nuts has not had a good year, and this despite a programme called Book at Bedtime with Lucy Pinder in which the titular lady read the classics and Shakespeare to a discerning audience. Nope, the wobbly setted live ladsmag channel is with us for only a few days more. Later this month it is set to become CNN International. Now that could be fun.

Gems TV
Gems TV1
More auction-based "fun".

National Lottery Xtra
It broadcasts for an hour a day. I'd be surprised if anybody watches it. Certainly not at 8:45 in the morning.

CBBC Channel
CBeebies
I still don't really understand why these don't have more old repeats. They should be teeming with Postgates. But they aren't. Still, there's some half decent stuff on them all the same. Sarah Jane was not as good this year as last, but it was adequate.

CITV
Tackier than the BBC, relying more on US advert-cartoon imports, it does however have some pleasant surprises, including a children's show with Harry Hill.

BBC News
Lost the 24 in November 2007, but still tickering along. TV news is just not as dynamic as radio. You don't need VT on radio.

BBC Parliament
Short on gimmicks this year; I failed to see any election reruns and there was very little in the way of special events. Consequently it failed to chart. But for those with lots of spare time, Select Committee Hearings really are the thing to watch.

Sky News
Sky Sports News
The louder, crazier alternative to the BBC.

Community Channel
Like National Lottery Xtra, it's hard to imagine this gets a lot of eyefall. It's kind of like watching Lifeline.

Teachers' TV
Now only on for one hour a day (4-5pm, just as the teachers are making their way home). Hard to believe it's really of much use. But what do I know. At least it smells suitably PSB.

Teletext
Clunky and full of pictures of Cilla Black.

BBCi (teletext element)
Ceefax without the cachet. A bit more reliable than Teletext, and without the pictures of Cilla Black.

Sky Text
Can't say I use it. Because I don't.

BBCi (televisual elements)
There's enough on these two channels for them to publish listings. Oh if only they would publish listings. I keep writing in this bit "publish some listings", but do they? No. They don't. I've been doing a lot of silly quizzes all Christmas, pressing my coloured buttons and getting the answers wrong. All good fun.

BBC Radio 1
Not heard it all year. Why would I? It has nothing for me now.

BBC Radio 1Xtra
Another channel for which I'm not really invited.

BBC Radio 2
It's getting late, but I really ought to write something about Andrew Sach's grand-daughter here. That a discussion about her between a popular stand-up of our day and a popular aging chat-show host should be the sort of thing one gets on Radio 2 is quite a change from Sing Something Simple. One wonders what the old people tune in to nowadays. Still, there are moments of decency on R2, too, not least old favourite Shake Rattle & Roll. But the Jonathan Ross / Chris Evans -style R2 is something I don't really understand. Isn't that what commercial radio is for? R2 now is what R1 was in the '80s it seems. Which is ok, except it means that R2 of the '80s no-longer exists. I personally don't miss it, and maybe all those that do are dead anyway. But it seems a bit wrong to me.

BBC Radio 3
The penny-pinching shake-up of R3 in 2007, coupled with Andy Kershaw's domestic tribulations, have rendered R3 a shadow of its former self. That's not to say that it is dreadful. It isn't dreadful. It still has quite a few good things on it. But it is not as it once was. It is a great power in wane.

BBC Radio 4 (FM version)
R4 maintains its traditional 4th place this year thanks more to my differently arranged summer than to its own endeavours. Its usual staples have been greatly bent out, most of all by the death of Humph. R4 without ISIHAC is like a man without a funny-bone: it still functions but it's crap at tennis. And R4 does indeed function very well, despite great swathes of tedium cluttering the daytime. For In Our Time alone, R4 is a glorious thing.

BBC Radio 5 Live
R5 is, as often pointed out by me, great. This year we even let it score some points thanks to a tweak in the rules. So now it even looks quite good on these pages. All the better. This month we have some changes to the daytime schedule: Breakfast lasts until 10am (dear lord) and Victoria Derbyshire goes through to 1pm. This means that The Mid-day News has been dropped. I never used to like it once upon a time but recently, under Aasmah Mir, it has become really rather good. That Nicky Campbell should be on into the day, and that Victoria (who seems increasingly disinterested) should eat Aasmah's slot seems a bit wrong to me. Aasmah is apparently sticking around for (unspecified) bits and bobs. This change represents the first major tinkering by controller Adrian Van Klaveren since he took office in April. It is one of which I do not approve.

BBC Radio 5 Live Sports Extra
Fills the gap where Radio 4 LW should be. Though cricket can usually also be found on BBCi, with a pretty scorecard.

BBC 6 Music
I find this almost indistinguishable from Radio 2. I'm still not really sure what the point of it is.

BBC Radio 7
That's right, since October B7 has finally woken up to the fact that it is a radio station. Long live R7. The point of R7 is clear: R7 plays old radio programmes. And Doctor Who stuff. But mainly old radio programmes. Some are even rather good, should you get round to putting your ear in their direction. But it's hard to tell in advance because the RT doesn't really go into detail. And most of the stuff is dodgy comedy from the turn of the '90s, or ports from TV shows from the '70s. Still, every now and again there are little moments of excitement hidden away for only the most dedicated to find. I am not that dedicated.

BBC Asian Network
Community radio. What bits I've heard have been ok.

BBC World Service (English language European service)
Much ignored, but really rather good. The first port of call for breaking news of an international bent. It'd be better if they could furnish it with a reduced text service like the other channels get, but there are multiplex obstacles there.

The Hits Radio
Smash Hits
Kiss 100
Heat
Magic 105.4
Q
102.2 Smooth Radio
Kerrang!
talkSPORT
Premier Christian Radio
Absolute Radio
Heart 106.2
Virgin Radio rebranded as Absolute Radio in September, which is the only change of note bar the demise of Oneword and Clyde1. I still don't listen to them. I have a TV screen to think about.

Well... that's that. What? Oh. Yes. I should make some mention of Matt Smith, the next Doctor Who. I can't say I know him, though he looks like a nightmare I once had; in fact he looks a bit like Frankenstein. So I expect him to big digging out the gothic Tardis control-room and hanging out with moody teenage girls. It could work, in a Buffy/Angel sort of way. Or it could be dreadful. I was personally hoping for someone old. Maybe with the Doctor so young, the companion could be old. Maybe the companion could be Sarah Jane. I do keep hoping that.

Ok. I'm going now. I'm having a nice long rest. I'll be back later in the month, I expect, with yet more recommendations and analysis. In the meantime I'll be keeping tabs of all I watch.

Thanks for sharing, and happy viewing...

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