A Bach Christmas:
[season of the complete works of Bach, R3]
December 2005
Following the success of their Beethoven marathon, R3 set aside the next eight or so days for the complete (surviving) works of J.S.Bach. 214 hours is a lot of stuff, and like the Beethoven, the technique is probably one of dipping in or having it on in the background, unless you really know what you want. Still, great fun, innit. And if you'd rather listen to it in your own time, and don't like the BBC's online radio player, why not get the 160 disc box set for £190 (highlights: 40 discs, £35). Fill your ears with twiddles.

The Benn Tapes:
[repeat of this political document, B7]
October 2005
The Benn Tapes is proving ok. It's quite simply his audio diaries played out on national radio. Great. But I still stand by the view that 15mins is too short for a series episode. Make the series 3 eps long instead of 6 and give me something to make time for.

Bring Me the Head of Philip K. Dick:
[Drama on 3, R3]
March 2009
A mildly diverting piece of radio drama with some nice noises in it; at times there was even something of the Under Milk Wood about it, but only at times. This was no great classic of our time, but it was ok and didn't really outstay its welcome at all despite the naff title.

Classic Serial: The Complete Smiley: The Looking Glass War:
[espionage drama, R4]
September 2009
R4 continues its trawl through the works of John le Carré for mentions of George Smiley. More emoticon espionage.

Cruikshank on New Zealand:
[historical travelogue documentary series, R4]
Pity poor Dan, trapped in that awkward 15-minute daily slot. I hate that slot. It's next to useless.

Desert Island Discs:
[biographical chat show, R4]
April 2005
Jarvis Cocker must fight off the komodo dragon that is Sue Lawley in order to be victorious in this long-running celebrity survival show. Armed only with a Bible, the complete works of Shakespear's Sister and a dodgy Wurlitzer that can't play to the end of the curious acetate promos it apparently holds; will Jarvis make it through alive, or will he end up dressed in lederhosen in the back of the child-catcher's cart? Tune in to find out.
Sue Lawley is clearly not a Pulp fan, and was very dismissive of their 1980s period, which, Evan tells me, produced some of their best work. Lawley was, in fact, positively snotty about pretty much every aspect of Jarvis's life and works. It gave me a new-found disrespect for her. As for Cocker's Desert Island Discs, there were one or two interesting items in there that I will have to look into.
June 2008
Bill Bailey has gone missing at sea. In a national appeal, his family beg him to come home.

Digital Radio:
[a disaster waiting to happen, all stations]
January 2009
This week the government released its interim report into the nation's digital future. The document amounted to, in paraphrase of Gerald Kaufman, the longest shrug in history. Actually, it wasn't particularly long, but it was particularly empty of anything one might call substantial. "Digital stuff is going to happen, isn't it cool?!" was the general tone. Occasionally it would say: the recent Ofcom report suggests so-and-so, and that sounds like it might be an idea, but hey, who knows?!. Consequently there were a lot of people a bit miffed by the whole thing. Personally, the most alarming aspect of the document was the one part where they seemed to commit to something. Because the thing they seemed to commit to was DAB digital radio, which everyone knows is just shit. Apparently, as soon as 50% of the population have a DAB radio, and something like 90% of major roads have coverage (forgive me for not being bothered enough to dig out the precise figure, but it might drive me to suicide) FM's plug will be pulled. No mention at all, in the report, of AM, save an entry in the glossary explaining what it is. Anyway, the key aspect here is that, clearly, it becomes all the more important for you to not buy DAB radio. Just to be sure you do, the government intend for DAB radios to be fitted into every single consumer device. So watch out. A pencil with a built in DAB radio counts to that all important statistic. If you value a radio signal that you can pick up, and even make out when the signal is not so good, then make sure you ask for a pencil that is DAB-free!
June 2009
A number of columns ago I told you that you must never again buy a pencil, on the offchance that it might have a digital radio incorporated in it, therefore adding another line to the digital radio ownership tally-table, which, upon hitting a certain figure, would result in all the analogue stations being turned off. Now I am pleased to tell you that you can go out there and buy a pencil without any stain upon your conscience, because the rules have changed. This is good news for the pencil industry and for anyone who wants a pencil. But it is not good news for radio listeners. In this week's Carter report on the future of "Digital Britain" (kind of like the real Britain but with a much blockier coast-line) the government now insists that it will shut off all national and the major local radio stations' analogue signals at the end of 2015, irrespective of digital take-up. Local Medium Wave services will be promoted to FM which will become a dedicated band for "ultra-local" stations. Everything else will be broadcast in DAB (although no mention, at all, whatsoever, is made of Long Wave).
The trouble with DAB is that it's shit. It's not just that it sounds worse than FM, or that other (DAB incompatible) digital formats exist that are superior to DAB (an upgrade to such a system will be inevitable at some point after 2015, rendering a second wave of equipment obsolescence). It's that the whole concept of digital radio is fundamentally opposed to how most people use radio. Itinerant television lovers will be aware of the difficulties inherent in trying to watch digital telly in a caravan or on a barge: where once they may have tolerated snow they are now faced with a wall of glitching pixels. About a quarter of all radio listening in this country is done on the move, mainly in cars. It's hard enough to get a decent DAB signal in your home, let alone in your car, such is the rubbish error-correction system DAB uses. Analogue car radios can be far from perfect; decreasing regard is paid to the MW listener by the modern automobile engineer, and engine ray-shielding is these days close to non-existent rendering Radio 5 a challenge of whistling revs and gear shifts. But at least it's a challenge one can overcome with a degree of tolerance and mild tinnitus. A bad signal in analogue is a disguised signal but a signal none-the-less. A bad signal in digital is an incomprehensible soup of Os and 1s: a Yasanao Tone concert in your own hatchback. Digital car radios are being made, but aren't expected to become standard inclusions in new models until 2013, which means that only new car owners (i.e. rich people) will have the benefit of being able to listen to radio come the postulated switch-over.
That's just one aspect of concern, and a lot depends on how the three main analogue bands continue to be used. Digital switchover in television was all about freeing up bandwidth in the hope of selling some off to telephone companies and making a few bob. But that was UHF, which is better quality stuff than the AM bands which are considered the scrag-end of the spectrum. In radio the aim is to make a bit more room so as to sell off a few more radio licences. But whereas with TV we could be blinded by the array of channels offered by Freeview over analogue, with radio we already have rather a lot of channels already thankyou very much. And then there is the internet. I'm noticing an increasing number of shops tuning to Spotify for their in-store radio (not the chains, of course; they've been taping their own radio shows for a few years now). And does an office or factory floor need to buy a DAB radio when there's every possibility that there's a computer in the corner capable of streaming the same stations through the telephone socket? Still there's probably a bit too much futurology in the notion that the net might replace most radio, not least because people tend not to have the net in the car or in their kitchen (a popular radio location if ever there was one). Telephones increasingly have radio, of course, be it FM, DAB, or via the net. But again, let's not get all silver overalls and 3D specs about it. The truth of the matter is that most people listen to radio through radios. But the point still stands that the promise of a few more stations is not making us all weak at the knees with radio as it did with television, which in part is why the government has ended up having to force our hands. It wants the money and doesn't care if we can't pick up Desert Island Discs.
Radios are clever bits of kit. To listen to analogue radio all you need is a capacitor, a variable resistor, a bit of wire, a bit of card, a magnet and a couple of crystals. You can even get away without a battery if your ears are keen enough. All the batteries do is run the speaker (and power the whizzy graphics and the clock on more over-elaborate sets; when the government says DAB radios take up almost as little power as most analogue radios, they're meaning analogue radios that flash and glow and have built in helipads; but the batteries in my no-frills Roberts three-band pocket radio, which I use on a daily basis, have been in there for well over a year now). DAB requires a small computer to sort out the 0s and 1s, and small computers require a lot more power than magic crystals. So DAB is more expensive and less environmentally friendly to run. If you're in the middle of no-where, you can assemble your radio from bits of grass and spit, and be guaranteed some sort of signal on AM. FM is less durable, being of a higher frequency, and DAB is higher still. If you're in the wilds of Scotland you might as well forget FM, and the same is probably true of DAB. That's where AM comes into its own. AM reaches the parts other frequencies can't. Radio 4 is already broadcast on various parts of the Medium Wave spectrum in various parts of the country to ensure total coverage for what is considered the most important national station. Is this approach really going to stop? Some investigation has been carried out over the viability of using Digital Radio Mondiale signals in the AM band. This is a non-multiplexed digital signal and the fact that it can be broadcast over AM is seen as useful in terms of reach, but it seems to be of a fairly poor quality (between AM and DAB) so may not be worth the hassle.
We can almost assume that AM might be safe from digital switch-over; after all, how many fishermen are going to be able to pick up the shipping forecast on DAB? This, of course, assumes there will still be fish in 2015. Which brings us to the other great question: in the event of a nuclear attack, when the skies are thick with radiating fall-out, how on Earth are we expected to pick up Protect & Survive on DAB?
In 1992, when the BBC were formulating what would end up as Radio 5 Live, the decision was made to take Radio 4 LW off the air and replace it with the new rolling news service. It gave us the legendary protest call and response: "What do we want?" "Radio 4." / "Where do we want it?" "Long Wave." / "What do we say?" "Please."; an appeal so dashing that the BBC crumpled into a pool of self-loathing and shame in a matter of minutes. If you value your FM, perhaps a similar approach is required against the government. Or perhaps we should just force the cabinet to only listen to DAB radio and see how long it takes them to go mad, assuming they are not mad to begin with.
So long as the migration of radio is from FM to DAB and from MW to FM, there really needn't be much of a problem beyond the issue of car radios. We can assume a similar coverage for DAB to that of FM, and it may well be that localised DAB to FM converting transmitters will become stupidly cheap by 2015, allowing an entire household to broadcast DAB to all their existing radios in the same way that those iPod transmitter things work. The biggest problem is that knotty issue of reception quality: that monumental difference between bearable interference and impenetrable glitch. If you've ever enjoyed listening to a distant station whistling through the ether from who knows where, well you can forget that in future. A DAB radio will not pick up a sub-standard signal. It just won't. It's either great or it doesn't exist. That's the biggest problem with digital. It's on or it's off. There is no middle ground.
So, assuming LW stays where it is, and optimistically assuming that demand and questions of reach will necessitate certain duplication of BBC national services in MW (Radios 4 and 5, specifically), the whole weight of the issue falls on how much you care about FM; how much you care about signal durability; how much you care about sound quality and stereo function. Oh, and how much you care about having something good taken away from you and replaced with something unquestionably worse, requiring you to go out and buy a lot of new equipment (at least one radio per household... at least) only for DAB to be superseded a few years later by a superior system requiring you to go out and buy another lot of new equipment.
You can stop this shit. You can. You can either wait till 2015, still be without a DAB radio, and watch as the BBC is forced to maintain its FM broadcasts on grounds of sheer demand, or you can be more pro-active. What do you want? "Radio 4"? Where do you want it? "FM"? What do you say? "I heard on In Our Time that we chopped off our leader's head once when he thought to treat us like idiots..." or "Pwetty please?", whichever you feel will be the most effective. We march on Westminster as soon as ISIHAC is over.
(The rest of the "Digital Britain" report seems rather uninteresting in comparison. The same old talk about BBC Worldwide and Channel 4, and the same old worries about how the ITV regional news problem might be sorted out. But nothing concrete. The rest of it is all mobile phones and computer games, which is not really my remit.)

Doctor Who: Shada:
[sci-fi drama, B7]
December 2005
Our strive towards a fairer society has unfortunately produced the odd lamentable sacrifice. One of the most unfortunate was the loss of a Douglas Adams penned Tom Baker season-closer through union action. Instead, Adams turned the story into the first Dirk Gently book. Spin on nearly 30 years: The Who is back on telly, inter-doctor, and Paul McGann is doing his bit on the wireless. His latest offering is a remake of Shada. I don't suppose there'll be the same electric monks and takeaway meals of Dirk Gently, but it'll be interesting to see how McGann occupies the very BakerT territory. He has the hair for it at least. I tend to avoid RadioWho, cos it tends to be humourless toss. But this proved listenable and occasionally even entertaining.
[A new run, to bridge the gap between McGann and Eccleston, arrived in early 2007. It is humourless toss.]

The Early Music Show: Made in Britain Special:
[early music show, R3]
November 2005
The Early Music Show was something of a mixed bag, thanks to an ill-conceived radio-drama monologue format for the first epsiode. It didn't really work, or at least it didn't really do anything for me. I'm more interested in the music than someone pretending to be Byrd talking about what his mates were plotting down the pub. Anyway... The second episode was more usual, though by no means a truly good example.

Election 2005:
[election night coverage, R5]
May 2005
The election coverage was, inevitably, not a patch on the telly, but it was ok. The highlight was Simon Mayo who was meant to be with the Tories but they wouldn't let him in. The show was blighted by a sub-standard impersonator which was just painful, and nearly made me knock it's point off. But a William Hague impersonation later on (in the presence of the same) led me towards lenience. Just.

Festen:
[drama, R3]
April 2005
Festen was, as I expected, a pretty straight translation from the film. I'm not sure I really fully appreciate the talent involved in copying out subtitles into play format, but I'm sure it must be immense given the massive positive coverage this play has got. On the radio, at least, it was a lot like listening to some actors watching the DVD with the sound down and with some sound effects thrown in. Still, it's not a bad story, in fact it's quite good, and so it's worth a point.

The Festive 50:
[annual chart, R1]
December 2005
Hands up who's actually listened to the stuff in the Peel slot since it got revamped? As I suspected. Well this is half an opportunity to catch up with the pace of modern music. Alas it's been voted on by only seven people, including Rob da Bank's mum and Huw Stephens' granny. Still.

Five Live Formula One:
[motor sport coverage, R5]
Best Sporting Event 2003 (Brazillian GP), Most Improved Series 2005, Best Sporting Event 2007
June 2005
A quick three cheers for the Michellin Man, who provided the most ludicrous sporting event of the century so far. The USGP was fantastic. Radio 5 had the best coverage, needless to say, but Martin Brundle did his bit too. The fact that we had a storm here, and the tap-water dried up before turning into sludge, only added to the surrealism of the event.
March 2006
R5's F1 coverage got a shake-up, with David "Crofty" Croft joining Maurice Hamilton above the pit-lane. As knowledgable as Maurice is, he was always a bit stuttery at commentary, and so Croft is a welcome addition. I'm pretty sure he has mocked F1 in the past too, which can only help.
May 2006
To be heard alongside the pictures on I1, it's everyone's favourite drain-pipe: the Monaco Grand Prix. Actually, almost certainly more interesting than today's race will be the qualifying, on I1 at 12:30 on Saturday. As anyone who has peered at this season's F1 qualifying will be aware, it is even madder than ever before, with knock-out stages and petrol syphons. And given the tight nature of Monté-Carlo, it should be a very chaotic afternoon's qualifying. If anybody high up gets "accidentally" tripped up, we might even have a slightly interesting race. But that's crazy talk. The cars are too reliable for a Monaco demolition derby these days.
July 2007
Murray Walker turns up with his Fleetwood Mac LP, and suddenly cars are crashing, overtaking, getting craned back onto track, sustaining punctures and breaking down left right and centre... it was beautiful. I was close to tears. It was only marred by the constant interference of the Open Golf. Who needs cod liver oil when you've got Murray to rekindle your youth? I was out climbing trees come tea-time. Where's all this Horse Chestnut Scale come from?
August 2008
Ivan's nemesis, Graham Allison, writes: "The Formula One coverage on Radio 5 this week was better than usual. The irritatingly old-fashioned Maurice Hamilton wasn't there to spoil things with his yawn-inducing knowledge of the sport and his cynical comments regards paddock politics. Instead we were treated to the wonderful Anthony Davidson, one of this country's most talented drivers with a genuine idea of how the game really works these days. He's quite the raconteur, and I love his easy to follow (even easier to overtake - Ed) style. The race was a cracker too... none of that boring overtaking stuff that's so confusing to get your head around. And fantastic that the stewards didn't interfere with the race by giving Massa a drive-through penalty. I love it when Ferrari win: there's something timelessly beautiful about the combination of red cars and the black and white flag."

Francophile Namesakes:
[One-off book ad, B7]
March 2005
There was an element of pornography to Francophile Namesakes, which was evidently the first chapter or so of Mr [Dave] Gorman's book. The way it ended (or rather failed to end) was somewhat annoying (this is a one parter) but until then it was a lovely thing, as you might imagine. Fortunately, I'd heard him on Simon Mayo the other month, so I knew how it finished. Otherwise, I'd've had to buy the book. Phew.

Genius:
[comedy chat-show series, R4]
November 2005
It's a cheap idea. Get MOPs in the audience to come up with world-changing ideas, then laugh at them. But it just about does the job. Dave Gorman hosets.

Germany: Misery to Miracle:
[3-part documentary, R4]
September 2005
Broadcasting god, Charles Wheeler, explores the aftermath of WWII in this new three-part series, beginning with a look at the workings of the British portion of post-war Germany. 

Gilgamesh:
[drama, R3]
Best Radio Drama 2006
June 2006
A rather entertainingly overdramatic (to the point of camp) dramatisation. I particularly liked the dreams. Fantastic stuff.

The History Boys:
[drama, R4]
March 2006
I can't help thinking that even at King Edwards, Sheffield's most prominent boys' grammar school, the pupils aren't as fay and mincing as they are in The History Boys. True, in the '80s, Sheffield produced quite a few camp-looking bands, but even they were pretty gruff behind their slap and silly hair. Still, the play proved entertaining enough, and rather enjoyable, and as I've never been to a public school in Yorkshire or anywhere else for that matter, I can't really comment on how likely people are to suck teachers cocks and what have you. My main image of public school is Malcolm McDowell sniping from the rooftops, which I doubt is strictly accurate. That and being savaged by the school leopard.

Iconoclasts:
[panel discussion series, R4]
September 2006
Lecture-based debate from the RSA. Peter "controversial" Singer is first up on the oche. The sort of thing R4 should probably do more of. Something like Philosophers' Question Time. It's a good concept: get a controversial figure to defend their ideas for a bit, then get three peers to attack said ideas, then get a bit of debate going, then open it to the audience. But that's not a 45 minute show. Three quarters of an hour is not enough to even begin to seriously address the points brought up. Such musing reminds me of my ill-fought campaign for the return of After Dark, last seen on BBC4 in 2002. After Dark was a wonderful piece of television that made the most of the empty canvas that is late-night TV. Not phone-in "quizzes"; open-ended debates, complete with booze and fags. Episodes were pencilled in at about 2hrs or so, but could finish later, presumably with the crew on double time. There were a couple of really good discussions in that last series too... mainly about Iraq. A decent range of guests, drinking spirits in a darkened studio: kind of like The Moral Maze meets Late Night Poker. The host varied from show to show, though, bizarrely, Tony Wilson was probably the best at it. So let's clear late night B4 of unwatched repeats, and stick Wilson and sundry guests in the dark until sunrise.

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue:
[comedy panel game, R4]
Best Radio Comedy 2005, Best Radio Comedy 2006, Best Radio Comedy 2007
May 2005
Put your head out the window at 6:30pm this Monday and hear the collective sigh of relief, manifest as a warm, damp gust of wind. Quote...Unquote is no more, and the best of the other two is back. Hurrah.
June 2006
Next week, Clue gives way to Just a Minute, which is a shame. It doesn't run for long enough.
April 2008
Bad news for R4's point-scoring abilities: Humph is dead. Jack Dee waits by the telephone.
June 2009
Oh my god... they've gone and done it, as a terrified Reece Dinsdale might say upon observing the toadstool-shaped annihilation of a nearby V-force base. The ubiquitous Stephen Fry assumes the chair while Victoria Wood does her best Willie Rushton impression (which is actually rather impressive and convincing).

In Our Time:
[history discussion, R4]
May 2008
Melvyn awakes to find a hedgerow between himself and the Today show. What can it mean? Luckily, he has some guests on hand to tell him all about The Enclosures of the 18th Century.
Melvyn takes off his clothes and runs around the British Museum to celebrate the discovery of the library at Nineveh.
Melvyn awakes to find curious pustules in his arm pits. The Black Death has reached Broadcasting House.
For an episode on Probability, Melvyn dips into the black velvet bag of past experts and (completely at random) plucks out Marcus du Sautoy. What are the chances of that? A: 1/50.
June 2008
Wondering what to do next, Melvyn lets the Junior Britannica fall open at Lysenkoism.
The decline of Anglo-German relations in the nineteenth century: a time when men had big moustaches rather than big bouffants.
Melvyn has bought a telescope, but alas, he doesn't know how to use it. So he's put his ear to it instead of his eye. Nevertheless, he believes he can hear a sound. Maybe it's just John Humphries blowing a raspberry. Or maybe it's the Music of the Spheres.
July 2008
Melvyn and the crew cast their long skanky fingers in the direction of The Metaphysical Poets. Thank goodness it's on after 9 o'clock.
October 2008
Abandon hope all ye who enter. Melvyn's been condemned to the very centre of Hell, where Satan's developed a fourth mouth especially for the job. But Melvyn has a plan; Satan loathes the taste of hair-lacquer. Melvyn can escape and just in time to present this week's episode: Dante's Inferno. Surely they've already done it? Apparently not.
November 2008
Melvyn on Heat.
December 2008
Last week's episode on Heat got out of control. This week Melvyn must deal with The Great Fire of London.
January 2009
Expert Marina Warner puts on her finest riding cape and travels through the forest to her grandmother's house to discuss The Brothers Grimm. But oh, what great big hair you have, grandmother...
February 2009
Melvyn heads out with his elephant gun to explore The Destruction of Carthage.
March 2009
Melvyn's bouffant has been locked in an opaque container containing a Heath Robinson Geiger-counter-come-hammer contraption, a tiny piece of radioactive material and a sealed jar of poisoned chocolate mice. Roger Penrose and friends will be opening the box on Thursday morning to see if the radioactive material has decayed, triggering the Geiger counter assembly into action, breaking the jar and releasing the irresistible chocolate mice for Melvyn's bouffant to eat. Until that time, according to the Copenhagen interpretation, Melvyn's bouffant remains in a state of quantum superposition; it is simultaneously both alive and dead. Such is the measurement problem in physics. But it can be solved by the use of a good conditioner.
In Alexandria, Egypt, just up the road from that bar serving Carlsberg, is an ancient library: a repository of written works by some of the world's greatest minds. And Melvyn Bragg.
This week Melvyn puts on his shorts and cap and returns to The School of Athens. Not the real one, but the painting by Raphael. By amazing coincidence Raphael is also the name of Melvyn's bouffant: "Well I think I'm growing out of my head over you." Doesn't it make you want to go out and rape a philosopher?
April 2009
Melvyn likes a fry-up, but how does one get the best of an English breakfast? Especially when one is using all the lard in ones pomade? Heston Blumenthal does not appear in this examination of Baconian Science.
Krista Cowman, June Purvis and Julia Bush chain themselves to the desk before hurling themselves under Melvyn Bragg in an attempt to explain to him the history of women's suffrage.
May 2009
For Melvyn did squander his wealth and did find himself running out of hair lacquer. And so he did go unto his experts and he did request of them that they might provide him with more lacquer for his hair. But the experts had grown tired of Melvyn's ceaseless demands for hair products, and did insist that they would not give him any more lacquer unless he place his mark against a covenant that would enshrine the experts with rights and protections against aerosol hair-sprays and coconut waxes. And so it came to pass that Melvyn was forced to put his seal to a big charter: The Magna Carta.
Melvyn and his hair stepped down from the South Bank Show this week after negotiations with the ITV over the continuation of an arts budget proved too silly. "But," I hear the ITV say, "you never watched the South Bank Show anyway, so why are you complaining?" This is just what the people of Vienna were saying when they were suddenly besieged by the Ottomans in 1683. An angry pouffe will show no mercy. You have been warned.
On his way from the studio to the Lords, Melvyn takes the shortcut through Hyde Park, but a blinding flash causes him to stumble and fall into the empty Serpentine. "Melvyn, Melvyn, why don't you discuss me?", a voice thunders through the mud. "Because you're a dead fish of no historical consequence. But if it's any consolation, we're doing Saint Paul this week." "It's of no consolation. I'm a dead fish. And you've just dashed my one remaining hope of making a mark in this world." "I'll tell you what, I'll get Ivan to write about you." "Not really the same is it..."
June 2009
Having dusted himself off from the Serpentine incident, Melvyn enters the palace of Westminster only to find a revolution taking place therein: It seems the Telegraph has found out how much His Lordship is claiming on hair products. A trial is held; the verdict is plain and puritanical: "off with his hair!". 360 years ago, Charles I was about to experience a similar close shave.
Having dispatched itself of its caesar, our parliament opens the will to see that Melvyn has been declared his adopted son and heir. But Melvyn must defeat the triumvirate of his guests before he can assume full imperial power. The setting of this battle is The Augustan Age.
Melvyn is celebrating his first week as emperor, but word has reached the senate that his hair is actually a wig painstakingly assembled from the plug-hole plunder of Ms Elizabeth Taylor. What is worse, the hair was collected without her knowledge or consent: a slight unparalleled. Two aspiring senators very much of the Taylor camp place it upon themselves to steal back the purloined pelt, thereby saving their mistress's honour and punishing the nefarious Bragg's moral mis-deeds in a single monumental action of Elizabethan Revenge.
The two senators are now in possession of Melvyn's hair, but the question arises as to which line should inherit the cat-like mop. Perhaps today's experts might help them reach an amicable resolution as they tell the tale of Sunni and Shia Division in Islam.
July 2009
The fight over Melvyn's hair has left it looking really rather crazy. Wittgenstein steps in and claims it as his own, providing an elaborate set of formulae as proof. Melvyn has no choice but to try to understand Logical Positivism if he is to have any chance of retrieving his beloved barnet.
September 2009
Isaac Newton puts on his best bitching-wig (made from the finest Bragg-hair) for a fight to the death with Gottried "Choco" Leibniz over who has intellectual copyright over the calculus. Two falls, a knock-out or Simon Schaffer will decide the winner.
Egypt, the 18th Dynasty, and Pharaoh Amenhotep IV has a bold notion: our understanding of the pantheon is wrong: there is a greater, more powerful God, distinguished by his luxuriant bouffant of jet black hair. Amenhotep changes his name to Akhenmelvyn and establishes a new city-state on the south bank of the Nile.
October 2009
Akhenmelvyn's ideas are taken on board by a Levite slave leader who encodes a religion that permits banking practices and the wearing of big noses. In 1890, a follower of this faith, the actor Richard Dreyfus, is convicted of treason in France for passing on military secrets to the Germans, although the real culprit is shown to be the Hungarian spy Toby Esterhase. Zola Budd highlights this miscarriage of justice in the Channel 4 polemic slot J'accuse, and so it is that the affair reaches the attentions of the evil Baron Bragg of Wigton and his panel of cronies.
Baron Bragg of Wigton is summoned to the Royal Palace on a matter of great urgency. "The Queen, sir...", an aide struggles, "...she's dead." Bragg removes his ceremonial hair-piece and holds it to his chest in a moment's reverie for the passing of the monarch. Then he leaps into action, riding north to Scotland, stopping only to admire a number of duck ponds along the way. For with the Queen dead, the crown passes to King James VI of Scotland. What will this mean, constitutionally? Maybe the ducks will know the answer.
Baron Bragg of Wigton dismounts his trusty steed and tentatively approaches the ducks. But the ground beneath his feet crumbles away and he hurtles down through a hole in he Earth. As he descends, he begins to gain a greater understanding of the geological formation of Britain.
As the Baron of Wigton falls, his hair flapping wildly in the tunneled wind, he reaches the realization that this might surely be his end. And so it is that he begins to consider the question of his will. He is assisted by his solicitors: the firm of Grayling, Han-Pile and Janaway, and as the four of them descend ever closer to the presumed bottom and a thwacking impact, their concept of the will converges upon that of the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer.
November 2009
The Baron is saved by the theology of Martin Luther, and driven by his salvation he takes over Münster. But he is promptly besieged by the deposed bishop and it becomes clear that the whole thing can only end with Melvyn's bollocks nailed to the gates. One for the real fanatics, this.
Melvyn retrieves his testicles, and takes them to casualty where a kindly doctor sews them back on. But, after several weeks, the Baron still feels some discomfort. An X-ray of the offending area reveals a rusty nail sewn into the scrotum. Melvyn lays bare the wonders of radiation flowing through him.
Melvyn travels to Greece to recover from his operation in the austere surroundings of Sparta.
In a deal with Roly Keating, Melvyn secures an extension of the online IOT back-catalogue, covering the full eleven years of episodes (IOT is just over a month older than this website), to launch next year. In the meantime, a wave of nostalgia compels him to consider A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Just look at the hair! He just had it cut, straight after last week's episode.
December 2009
Wigton is in a fix. The heavy rain in Cumbria has wiped out the town's road infrastructure, turning the A596 to muddy swamp and stranding a symposium of the world's finest tailors. How will they get to Earl's Court in time for the Ideal Home Show? Fortunately, Wigton's feudal baron steps in with a solution: the tailors should use their immense mastery of textiles to fabricate a new temporary road surface that can be draped across the puddled surface, a la Sir Walter Raleigh's cape, permitting a clean and stylish conveyance to the comparatively dry M6 motorway. So it is that the Silk Road is brought into being.
The Baron finds himself in Croton, Greece, where he stumbles upon a sect who believe that the whole of creation can be reduced to mathematical order. Melvyn requests an audience with their leader: the snake-hipped, golden-thighed Pythagoras. As Pythagoras approaches, Baron Bragg doffs his tricorn, spilling forth his unruly locks. The sect recoil in horror. Some things are beyond rational reason (despite Wittgenstein's desperate attempts to prove a mathematical grounding for his own coif).

Internet Radio:
[boradcasting delivery concept, internet]
August 2009
The non-existence of John Peel got me considering the nature of music radio. I put it to you, sir, that conventionally broadcast music radio is dead. The only people who listen to it are factory/garage/office workers (collectively), and housewives too stupid to know better. Teenagers, I dare to suggest, do not, on the whole, partake. Why would they? By being the size of a small piece of fluff whilst having the capacity of an aircraft hangar, mp3 players have gone where Walkmen and Discmen failed and have successfully destroyed any power radio once held for the mobile individual. Most high-street stores have eschewed commercial radio for their own in-house shit which is just universally embarrassing and in no way shape or form listened to on a voluntarily basis. Some commercial radio manages to survive under a flag of convenience: radios being everywhere, small and easy to run; but it is probably fair to say that it is only tolerated. Pirate radio is a different matter, but there's not a lot of pirate radio in these parts. London's radio-bands may be bursting with underground noises, but up here most of what comes through is in French. No; broadcast music radio is facing its last days, and the playlist DJ is, I sincerely trust, a doomed species. Since the 1990s, internet radio has been a thing; not a very good thing in the 1990s because nobody had a connection big enough to do it justice. But there were radio stations from across the globe, and there were proto-last.fm type sites where one could generate a playlist by citing favourite acts or genres. They sounded tinny, cost a fortune, and such was the nature of computers that it took about half an hour from turning on to listening to anything. The solution: mp3s. mp3s, for those too stupid to understand, are like taping stuff off the radio. Only now the radio is shit, so we do it a different way. File sharing sites are like a personalized requests show, allowing you to slowly acquire a range of tracks of which you have an interest. Coupled with review websites like Pitchfork, file-sharing essentially became the new radio, particularly following that triple-blow of Peel's death, the axing of Mixing It, and Kershaw's Manx breakdown. As internet connections improved, streaming services like MySpace and last.fm thickened the plot, and now we have Spotify: the mighty Spotify. The minute I knew real radio was being served its notice was when I was in a shop and heard a Spotify ad between tracks: the internet was being used as a radio. Of course, the revolution is not yet complete; these things take time to fully bed in. The real death knell for broadcast radio will come when the government tries to force digital down our throats, rendering as scrap all our wirelesses. Why buy a DAB radio when you can stream through a computer, which you already own, at equal (or likely even superior) quality? Futurists have always wet themselves at the notion of a marriage twixt computers and television but televisions take up a lot of screen and so do computers. The marriage between radio and computer was always the more likely and more workable. For most of us it has existed in one form or another for several years. And it will become the standard means of delivery, be it to your PC, laptop, telephone, or stripped-down radio-player.

ITMA:
[episode of '40s comedy series, repeated on B7]
May 2005
To tie in with VD Day, BBC7 are dusting off this wartime classic. Whether this is three episodes or just one (repeated as per digital law) is unclear from the RT. But listening to all three could make you throw up your powdered egg anyway, so best not to, eh. Just dip in to see what the fuss was about and learn a bit about radio and comedy history. A challenging listen, if only because half the references are lost on us, and another quarter are catchphrases. The remaing 25% is thick with puns that would make an uncle queezy. Interesting, but nothing more substantial than a history lesson.

Jon Ronson and the Quest for the Aryan Cow:
[documentary, R4]
February 2009
Jon Ronson's latest effort was a documentary about a Nazi-Germany cow-breeding programme designed to retro-engineer back into existence the extinct aurochs (from which we get our letter "A", and probably some pretty unpleasant milk). Ronson probably made too much play of the Nazi element but that's why he was there so it's understandable. Otherwise it would'be just been an episode of Farming Today. Or rather Farming Yesterday, it being an old story. Jon Ronson, you can do better than this, although most weird sects are onto you now so it's understandable that you seldom play on top form these days. Still; must try harder.

Jon Ronson On...:
[comic documentary series, R4]
Best Fact-Based Radio Show 2004
December 2004
Ronson was paranoid in a phone box, spying on people, which is a concept that has "entertaining" written through it's core like rock.
May 2007
Jon Ronson returned for another series of slightly paranoid musings on stuff in general. This week, he put on his best Trevor MacDonald trousers for an examination into internet dating. It was quite fun and left us all wondering who on the bus was the sociopath. So long as it's not the driver, I think there's not much cause for worry.
September 2008
This week, an update on whether David Shayler is the new Messiah.

Just a Minute:
[comedy panel game, R4]
Best Radio Comedy 2003
March 2006
Just a Minute concludes its run this week, which usually means Quote...Unquote and a slow and agonising death. Last time QU was on, James Cox, presenter of The World This Weekend, disappeared without trace. Brian Hanrahan is next. I'm talking like JAM has been good, which of course is not strictly true. It has been ok. It is seldom much more than this.
July 2008
Freud, Brandreth, Brigstock and Gorman present a compelling argument for the eradication of everyone whose surname begins with B.
July 2009
Perkins, Ayres, Hawks, Tim fucking Rice. Jesus. Now Freud is dead there's absolutely no reason to listen to this. Whatsoever.

Ken Bruce:
[Satan's DJ, R2]
October 2008
I had the misfortune of hearing some of Ken Bruce this week on Radio 2. I don't want to talk about it. I'd rather just try to forget.

The Lady From the Sea:
[Drama on 3 do Ibsen, R3]
November 2009
Fairly typical stuff and consequently rather good: all psychotic second wives, dead children and brooding.

Lamacq Live:
[new music show, R1]
December 2005
I tuned in to Lamacq Live and have to say I enjoyed it. He was doing the show from his loft appartment, which is nice. Especially for the neighbours. Peel never had that trouble. Lamacq is one of the natural successors to Peel, and he did pretty well here, though the range of music was not quite as inclusive. Kershaw's still a better presenter, of course.

Late Junction:
[quiet avant-garde music show, R3]
February 2008
Fiona Talkington presents the avant-quiet slot, which this week celebrates 50 years of the BBC Radiophonic Workshop. Cue cutlery and ring-modulated piano wire.
September 2008
It's been nice to hear Robert Sandall back on R3, with his stint operating the points of Late Junction. R3 should indeed be the sort of place where one can hear 15 minutes of experimental electronica from an early incarnation of the Human League; though a whole show on Eno is a bit tough to swallow, really.

Linda Smith: I Think the Nurses are Stealing My Clothes:
[comedy memorial, R4]
November 2006
Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why when funny people die do we have to hear other people talk about how funny they were? Would it not be possible, just once, to put together lots of bits of the funny person being funny, without another funny person not being funny inbetween? Just the funny person, being funny, for half an hour. Is that not too much to ask?

Mapping the Town:
[geographical documentary series, R4]
September 2005
This series always suffers from local interest, or the lack of it. Few in Newcastle will want to listen to a radio documentary about Tumbridge Wells. This week though, it's Whitby, which has a bit of a broader appeal than most places. It's a tourist destination for a start. And popular with Goths and fishermen. So hard to go wrong. Learn a bit about Cook, piss and Dracula, assuming the dreary beardy bloke that did archeology on BBC2 deems such topics worthy.

Mark Radcliffe:
[music show, R2]
September 2005
Mark Radcliffe does play some shit. But he also had Goldfrapp in session, which was ok. We've got to find some way of plugging the Peel gap though. One Music is always pretty crap whenever I give it a go.

The Mark Steel Solution:
[R5 comedy show repeated on B7]
Best Repeat on Radio 2006
August 2005
He's run out of material for this third series of Solution as was demonstrated by a below-par episode last week, and a rehash of a series one solution this week, including, it should be noted, the odd repeated sketch. It wasn't exactly the same solution but it was exactly the same material. Tut tut tut.

Metropolis:
[drama, R4]
March 2006
Lang's film of his wife's novel was pretty, but long and ultimately boring. Here, Thea von Harbou's story is distilled to a single hour. And because it's a radio play it is hammy and dreadful. But at least it wasn't full of sub-standard '80s power-ballad toss like the version I've got on video. At least it wasn't in the first five minutes. I turned it off after five minutes cos the mock American accents were getting on my tits. It's a German book, and an English radio production. So why make it any more painful than necessary? Idiots.

News Quiz:
[comedy panel game, R4]
Best Radio Comedy 2002, Most Improved Series 2006
September 2006
This week marked the return of The News Quiz. And gone is the river of smarm that was Simon Hoggart. He is replaced by Sandi Toksvig, and she is an improvement. There's not a lot more to add. The format is the same as ever; the guests likewise. But now the host is less annoying, and that's quite a relief.
May 2009
An inflatable Gordon Brown unhitches from its mooring and inadvertently blocks out the sun, destroying all life on the planet. A cabinet minister plays down the gaff, which only serves to irritate those remaining bits of gravel that now comprise the electorate.
I think this is still recorded on a Thursday, so, fingers-crossed, we should be safe from jokes about John Prescott's toilet habits. For now. Perhaps, by proxy, this dire state of satire is reason enough for a revolution. Shall we just get it over with now? Maybe we could have Ant and Dec as a dual monarchy? Fund the economy with premium-rate phone-in competitions. That's the answer.
At least we won the cricket.

Old Harry's Game:
[sit-com, R4]
[Begun around the time of the demise of Drop the Dead Donkey, this Hell-set series kind of lost momentum when Jill Dando (the brunt of most of its jokes) was shot dead.]
September 2005
I thought this had worn itself out. But it's back again for another series. Andy Hamilton plays the devil in this once amusing comedy. The last series was a bit laboured, and this will probably be the same. But maybe not. Old Harry's Game returned for a new series, minus the Professor (who of course got out last series). This loss actually opened up the comic potential slightly, as the last few series had got bogged down in plot. Still, we lack the balance of perspective that the Professor was there for, and have to rely on Thomas being made into a pancake. It'll inevitably have its limitations. Anyway, it wasn't bad, but it was pretty missable really.

Oneword:
[speaking book station on digital TV; now defunct]
December 2005 Report
For a brief moment last year this spoken books station had a run of vintage American radio programming, including some Orson Welles produkt. If there was owt like that this year, I've missed it. In fact, I've stopped looking at the listings properly now. Listening to books on it is painful because every ten minutes there's adverts. Which wouldn't be so bad if they were proper ads, but they're all trailers for oneword, which wouldn't be so bad if they were proper trailers but they're not. They're two minutes of people saying "oneword... the station for..." etc. Grr. oneword's fine if you can't read, I suppose, but otherwise just read a book.
December 2007 Report
One day this might yet become something special under the control of C4, but at the moment it is still a lot of adverts connected by bits of spoken books.
[In the end, C4's plans for this station to become a rival to Radio 4 were abandoned on grounds of cost.]

Othello:
[Drama on 3 production of Shakespeare, R3]
Ewan McGregor plays Iago alongside a corked-up Chiwetel Ejiofor in this Donmar Warehouse production.

Private Passions: PJ Harvey:
[episode of the music-selection interview programme on R3]
Polly finds herself shipwrecked on a desert island, with only a wet Michael Berkeley and a soggy record player for company. She doesn't even get the complete works of Shakespeare and a Bible to amuse herself with on those long lonely nights. Reality radio at its most gripping.

Purely Peel:
[evening of repeats on B7]
August 2005
While everyone else is ringing up the BBC to tell them who should get some new kidneys, you can relax to the familiar tones of John. The BBC celebrate 66 years since Ravenscroft's birth with this three-hour long clip-show thing in the backwaters of digital. It's put together by former Peel producer Chris Lycett and presented by Lamacq. But these things seldom turn out any good. As it was, it turned out surprisingly rather good, being as it was a selection of pretty-much full programmes, including Peel's appearances on the radio talk-show Chain Reaction, and more than a little collaboration with John Walters. What a theme night should be.
August 2009
This Sunday marks the failure of John Peel to attain the age of 70. BBC Radio then almost certain to be full of programming celebrating new music or at the very least a broadcasting legend? Nah. BBC7 repeats this obit slot presenter by Steve Lamacq, and that's your lot. Not that anything would've been any good anyway, even if they'd've bothered.

Radio 1:
[popular music station from the BBC]
December 2006 Report
The death of John Peel removed from the airwaves the one R1 show I used to listen to. The biggest problem the replacements have is that they aren't presented by Peel, but almost as big is that they're genred. I quite like the odd bit of hip-hop but I couldn't eat a whole show of it. Etc. The natural successor to Peel from a musical perspective is Steve Lamacq, though his frontiers are less expansive and he looks kind of scary. In the last few months, late night R1 went through another redraw which only alienated me even more.

Radio 1Xtra:
[black music station from the BBC]
December 2007 Report
I'm not really sure why this exists. Whyever it exists, I'm not altogether sure I'm welcome.

Radio 2:
[adult entertainment from the BBC, R2]
December 2005 Report
R2 has now passed through its reinvention and settled down to quiet 30-something domesticity. Lamarr still does a good enough turn, and Radcliffe cobbles together a passable graveyard shift (albeit with the occasional duff track or six). R2 is not something I'd say was great, and I'd not shout its greatness from the rooftops. Or even from a quiet street. Cos it's not great. It's ok at what it does, and most of what it does isn't my sort of thing. Sometimes there is a meeting of minds. These things happen. Could do better for me, but perhaps less so for others.
December 2007 Report
Seems to have become a big secret party for middle-England types who shop at Sainsburys and M&S. The world's caving in.
December 2008 Report
It's getting late, but I really ought to write something about Andrew Sach's grand-daughter here. That a discussion about her between a popular stand-up of our day and a popular aging chat-show host should be the sort of thing one gets on Radio 2 is quite a change from Sing Something Simple. One wonders what the old people tune in to nowadays. Still, there are moments of decency on R2, too, not least old favourite Shake Rattle & Roll. But the Jonathan Ross / Chris Evans -style R2 is something I don't really understand. Isn't that what commercial radio is for? R2 now is what R1 was in the '80s it seems. Which is ok, except it means that R2 of the '80s no-longer exists. I personally don't miss it, and maybe all those that do are dead anyway. But it seems a bit wrong to me.

Radio 3:
[classical music, drama and jazz from the BBC, R3]
December 2006 Report
R3 was 50 this year, and it's still a good thing. Over there is some classical stuff - very nice, and there's some older stuff, and there's Mixing It, doing their really rather new weirdshit, and there's some jazz, and there's a play, and some interesting noises, and there's Andy Kershaw, the natural successor to Peel from a presentational perspective, giving us a bit of everything. So R3 is very good. I should listen to Kershaw more, I should listen to Mixing It more. I should listen to more of it more. But I don't. Cos I have other things to listen to. But I know it's there, and I wouldn't want it to not be. I'm a little concerned with the new plans that will see less Late Junction, but we shall see.
December 2007 Report
Ah... R3, R3, R3... where to begin? Let us begin at the start of the year. Here's what I wrote this time last year: "R3 is very good. I should listen to Kershaw more, I should listen to Mixing It more. I should listen to more of it more. But I don't. Cos I have other things to listen to. But I know it's there, and I wouldn't want it to not be. I'm a little concerned with the new plans that will see less Late Junction, but we shall see." What happened was self-destruction, on two levels: On the top level, the man who had built R3 into the station I thought was very good, Roger Wright, Etch-a-Sketched his creation by paring down Late Junction, moving Kershaw deeper into the night, and axing Mixing It. On the bottom level, Kershaw himself had a personal crisis that saw him getting arrested and meant that his show is currently being presented by someone else. The result is that R3 is a pale shadow of its former days. Even the Proms was a bit dull this year. And the changes to the daytime schedule have radically reduced the range of classical stuff we get to hear too. It's all a bit of a penny-pinching mess, and it makes me very depressed. Still, R3 did have four 2pt programmes on this year, so it wasn't all terrible.
December 2008 Report
The penny-pinching shake-up of R3 in 2007, coupled with Andy Kershaw's domestic tribulations, have rendered R3 a shadow of its former self. That's not to say that it is dreadful. It isn't dreadful. It still has quite a few good things on it. But it is not as it once was. It is a great power in wane.

Radio 4:
[spoken word station from the BBC, R4]
December 2005 Report
I think it could do better. Most of the points here are from comedy, but they've been putting out some weak stuff lately (and I don't just mean Weak at the Top). The 6:30 and 11pm slots have mainly been full of less than hilarious stuff (Sunday Format was the last really funny thing on that wasn't in a weekend repeat slot), and Just a Minute often has rough line-ups. News Quiz is increasingly naff, and the less said about The Now Show and Quote...Unquote the better. When QUQ's on, I don't get to hear The World This Weekend. I liked that programme but it was better with James Cox. Some time during the last run of QUQ, James Cox disappeared, and now it's Shaun Ley doing it. This makes me even more angry with QUQ, and worried that something's happened to James Cox [he'd retired]. I'm not mad on Dead Ringers either, though some of the more R4 jokes are ok. But they have to do something about QUQ. It's not good enough to spoil Sunday lunch with. R4 is more than just comedy, of course. But I'd like to also appeal for another slot change. I want an end to shitty little 15 minute slots. They're too small to be of any use to anybody. Knock two through into one. One more thing that needs saying (apart from how good the Shipping Forecast still is, despite the loss of Finistaire) is that in an ideal world, R4 LW would have a fuller digital presence [as it has on Sky]. Maybe some sort of second audio trickery from one of the TV channels? Oh. And another thing too... which pips are right? The FM ones or the digital ones a few seconds later? Hmm.
December 2006 Report
Most of its comedy is weak, most of its drama unheard. News Quiz improved this year, Just A Minute remained on life-support, I'm Sorry... entertained and Quote..Unquote annoyed. Fifteen-minute slots persist. Today remains emperor of R4, and the Shipping Forecast is the finest emerald in his regalia.
December 2008 Report
R4 maintains its traditional 4th place this year thanks more to my differently arranged summer than to its own endeavours. Its usual staples have been greatly bent out, most of all by the death of Humph. R4 without ISIHAC is like a man without a funny-bone: it still functions but it's crap at tennis. And R4 does indeed function very well, despite great swathes of tedium cluttering the daytime. For In Our Time alone, R4 is a glorious thing.

Radio 5 Live:
[sport and news station from the BBC, R5]
December 2005 Report
R5 is actually my favourite radio station. But much of its programming is exempt from the Ration Book. There are three programmes in particular of note (although I feel I should also mention the excellent Formula 1 coverage). Victoria Derbyshire does the morning talk show, where she has to deal with idiots on the telephone. Simon Mayo does the afternoon magazine show where he interviews celebs, talks politics and sport, and reviews stuff (telly on Monday is rubbish and wrong, but books on Thu is good, and films with Kermode on Friday is brilliant and a must hear/download (best thing on the radio)). And then there is Drive with heavenly doubleact Peter Allen and Jane Garvey. They tell the news and they tell it well, between arguments and biscuits. However... there was a time, in 2002, when R5 was even better than this. The problem though was my making, so I can't complain. I said that Fi Glover's graveyard talkslot was good, and that she should be given Nicky Campbell's morning slot cos he was shit. They did. But they put Nicky on the breakfast show with Victoria, breaking up the almost Allen/Garvey standard pair that was Derbyshire and Julian Worricker. The result was awful. Derbyshire and Glover had shared boyfriend issues and the whole thing had a deeply unpleasant atmosphere. Thankfully, Fi was given Broadcasting House on R4, and Victoria got the morning show, but Campbell remains in the now dead breakfast slot, and Anita Anand can only do so much in the night shift. But none of this really matters, because the bit I listen to is in the afternoon and that's still, thankfully, unchanged.
December 2007 Report
This year, Jane Garvey left Five Live Drive. For those of you who have never experienced Drive, this is a move akin to... I dunno... lets say Paul Merton leaving Have I Got News For You. Only Drive is good. And it's still good despite Garvey's move to Woman's Hour. It's still good cos Peter Allen's still there and because Anita Anand can handle herself alright. It's still good. And so is Simon Mayo. Where else would you find Ricky Gervais and the Archbishop of Canterbury having a theological debate on live radio? Mark Kermode on Mayo on Fridays is still my weekly radio highlight. Still. The mornings are less good. Victoria Derbyshire seems not to have recovered her brain since having a baby, and if a nice way can be found to do it, Richard Bacon should probably take over her slot in 2008. And the Breakfast Show is still terrible, but it will always be terrible as long as Nicky Campbell walks the Earth. With Drive and the F1, R5 managed two of the best radio scores of the year, and certainly one of the highlights of 2007 was Murray Walker playing himself into his fantastic commentary with Fleetwood Mac. This is BBC Radio 5 Live, and it's still brilliant.
December 2008 Report
R5 is, as often pointed out by me, great. This year we even let it score some points thanks to a tweak in the rules. So now it even looks quite good on these pages. All the better. This month we have some changes to the daytime schedule: Breakfast lasts until 10am (dear lord) and Victoria Derbyshire goes through to 1pm. This means that The Mid-day News has been dropped. I never used to like it once upon a time but recently, under Aasmah Mir, it has become really rather good. That Nicky Campbell should be on into the day, and that Victoria (who seems increasingly disinterested) should eat Aasmah's slot seems a bit wrong to me. Aasmah is apparently sticking around for (unspecified) bits and bobs. This change represents the first major tinkering by controller Adrian Van Klaveren since he took office in April. It is one of which I do not approve.
January 2009
This month, the controller of Radio 5 celebrated his second calendar year in the job with a flex of his muscles in the direction of the morning schedule. Now, Nicky Campbell presents an hour of post-Breakfast phone-in between 9-10am (essentially stealing an hour of his old job back from Victoria Derbyshire). Derbyshire herself gets an extra hour of her own phone-in show from 12-1pm, where the Midday News used to be. This is a shame for a couple of reasons: firstly and most obviously, we've lost the Midday News (presented by the impressive Aasmah Mir), and gained an extra hour of Nicky Campbell. If that weren't bad enough, there is the open sore of Wednesdays. Now, Wednesday at noon is Prime Minister's Questions, while Wednesday afternoon is Simon Mayo's politics day, when he goes to Westminster and talks to politicians for the afternoon. Consequently, Wednesdays used to be rearranged such that Mayo came on at 11:55 and did PMQs, then we had the Midday News till 1pm, then Mayo came back to discuss the issues raised. This was by no means a perfect arrangement, but it made sense. Under the new scheme (which I doubt can possibly last long) PMQs fall inside Derbyshire's territory. And as we all know, as nice as she is, Derbyshire tends only to be really interested in a subject if that subject is either football or babies; neither of which tend to crop up often in Prime Minister's Questions. She also lacks the level of cynicism required to analyse PMQs. This coupled with a "get the public involved" feature made for a particularly painful first show, and little improvement has been made since. The thing is made worse given that at 1 o'clock Mayo has to come along and start the discussion all over again. Clearly, the solution would be to give Mayo noon-1pm on Wednesdays, and I expect this will happen after Easter.
[It didn't; rather the schedule was revised exactly a year later.]
September 2009
Radio 5 has been supported on two pillars: Mayo and Drive. From next January [when Mayo leaves for Radio 2] it will be teetering on a pedestal. The first question must be: "What replaces Mayo?" This is an opportunity for recently arrived controller Adrian Van Klaveren to flex some more muscles and continue his redraw of the daytime schedule. If Kermode & Mayo's Wittertainment on Friday gets a 2-4 slot, maybe the rest of the week can follow suit? Still, the Guardian reckons that Mayo will be replaced by Mark Radcliffe who stood in for a week or so this summer and mainly went "err" and laughed nervously a lot. Radcliffe is arguably the opposite of Mayo: an adequate speech-radio presenter and a better disc-jockey. As nice as the bloke is, I think an afternoon magazine show is about as appropriate for him as the Radio 1 breakfast show proved to be. Personally, I like Richard Bacon, who is clearly being groomed as an important entity at the BBC, though a glance at the internet suggests that he is far from universally popular. Indeed he is probably best suited to his current slot of an evening. Aasmah Mir needs a programme; she's one of the most talented presenters in the R5 stable and is woefully under-used. She could do the job with little difficulty. The best suggestion I've seen out there is for Jane Garvey to return from Women's Hour (a job that doesn't make the most of her comic potential), but there lies the stuff of dreams. All the other names fill me with dread: Nicky Campbell, Colin Murray... even Phil Williams makes me feel queezy.
The other spanner in the machinery is the Salford question. Mayo had already hinted at being unwilling to make the move north in 2011 when the station recamps to Greater Manchester. That makes Radcliffe all the more convenient a choice, I suppose. But the other worry lies at Drive. In 2011, the great Peter Allen will be 65, and his pond and garden at his firmly South of England home will be really taking off nicely, rewarding all the effort he has put into them over recent years. A high-speed rail link between the south and Manchester is still a long way off. Let's face it, unless Drive continues to be made in London, the chances are that Peter Allen will be leaving us in two years. As brilliant and wonderful as the move to Salford is for the BBC and for the country as a whole, the future for Radio 5 is depressingly bleak. It is, in effect, our sacrificial lamb. George Lamb? Maybe he'd be good? I joke. (I joke, Adrian!). The decision as to the replacement for Mayo has the potential to destroy an already wounded station.
Here's what I'd try to do, assuming I can't bribe Mayo into doing two shows a day, and assuming we have to base everything in Salford:
Breakfast: Julian Worricker replaces Nicky Campbell who is given a R2 series on swing bands. Failing that, keep Campbell. I'm listening to Today anyway.
10-1 (10-12, Wed): Derbyshire is given a football show of a weekend and is replaced by Richard Bacon if he wants it, otherwise Aasmah.
1-4 (12-3, Wed; 1-2, Fri): news magazine presented by Garvey. Wednesday's edition comes from Westminster (for PMQs etc) and is presented by Peter Allen.
3-4, Wednesday: book club; 2-4, Friday: Mayo/Kermode.
4-7: Drive, with Anita Anand and... if we can't have Peter, we must get Jeremy Bowen. If we can't get Jeremy Bowen, can we get Justin Webb? Perhaps if we can't persuade Worricker to do breakfast, we can surely persuade him to do Drive.
7-10: Sport. Colin Murray can sit here if he likes.
10+: If Richard Bacon is moved elsewhere, Mark Radcliffe, else an up-and-coming female comedian (or Victoria Coren).
In a crumbling world, that seems to me to be a half-decent patch-up job utilising resources that aren't of too fantastical a nature.
Good luck, Adrian.
October 2009
The New Year line-up at Radio 5 has been sorted out (due to come in place from 11th January). Nicky Campbell continues to do Victoria Derbyshire's job for an hour from 9-10am. Victoria remains in place (in my view a mistake, though she seems to be improving slightly) but finishes an hour earlier at noon. Then sports presenter Gabby Yorath Logan (on no account should you look at her Wikipedia entry with the images turned on; I mean that in all sincerity) will be presenting what is essentially the return of the Midday News, albeit extended to two hours (again, the more than competent Aasmah Mir is passed over, though see below), With the exception of Fridays (Mayo/Kermode), 2-4pm is occupied by Richard Bacon (I said from the start that this slot would be his if he wanted it, and evidently he did. For some he will take more than a little bedding in, but they may be mollified by Logan and the reduced two-hour slot), and then it's back to normal with Drive: Peter Allen has apparently committed to the move to Salford come 2011; Anita Anand has apparently not, as yet. She's currently pregnant and will no-doubt be off for a bit in the near future; Aasmah Mir will presumably be providing maternity cover. Logan's Sunday morning slot will be filled by Kate Silverton (possibly being groomed for bigger things, a la Bacon), while Bacon's late-night show falls to Daily Sport bloke (and some-time Logan co-presenter) Tony Livesey (he seems a lazy but effectual choice for the slot; he may be a little too opinionated to make it work). His will be the first show to make the switch to Greater Manchester, as of this coming February.
So, apart from the fact that Victoria still has a job while Aasmah doesn't, this seems to me to be a surprisingly rational and pretty sensible tweak of the schedule. The biggest questionmark hovers over the head of Logan who will be required to engage with politics as well as football players. Her biggest test will come with PMQs of a Wednesday, which for once the schedule can accommodate sensibly. My mind is open and, for the time-being at least, Adrian Van-Klaveren has redeemed himself for his previous scheduling cock-up.

Radio 7:
[formerly BBC 7; archive raiding radio from the BBC]
December 2007 Report
Aren't the new BBC Radio logos awful... They really are. Anyway, BBC7 is a bit of a mess, best suited to i-Player use, in my mind. Ideally it would just be a repository of archival material that we the listener could bung on as we feel like it. But for now it maintains the pretence of being a radio station, complete with annoying anchors.

The Radio Times:
[radio and television listings publication from the BBC]
April 2009
The RT has changed its typography. At first glance it looks quite classy, with its serifed page headers (though I'm not keen on the ascenders rising above the capitals). But the listings, particularly the smaller ones, are painful. There's always a bit of this whenever the RT changes its font set, and usually in a couple of weeks they fine-tune it. Well, if you're reading, Gill Hudson [editor], the episode numbers should not be in a bigger font than the programme name. They should not be in bold. If you're bolding anything, it should be the title of the programme. Rather than putting a massive blocky "FILM" in the collapsed smaller listings, why not just enbolden the film title? The star ratings already scream "FILM" anyway. Actually, they're my only two problems with it. The lay-out of the digital TV pages has improved (though I've not got used to it yet). And the cover is not a celebrity on a white background either (though I doubt that lasts; it's a Doctor Who cover and Doctor Who covers are wild).

Robbie Williams and Jon Ronson Journey to the Other Side:
[Jon Ronson documentary, R4]
Jon Ronson returns to what he does best: hanging out with mad people: He teams up with washed-up boy-band member Robbie Williams to investigate a UFO-spotters conference in Nevada.

Russell Brand:
[celebrity DJ, R2]
October 2008
Every now and again the nation goes a little bit mad. It's good to get it out of our system. For instance, while the UK was whipped up into a frenzy over the finer points of answerphone etiquette this week, I took the opportunity to vent my own frustrations with the world by exercising a spot of genocide in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Not that you'd've noticed. Amidst the mêlée, three corpses were dragged from the embers of the BBC: the controller of Radios 2 and 6 who seems to have been internally popular but who arguably should've stepped into the chaos a little sooner before the Panzers rolled in, tousle-headed dandy Russell Brand who will be glad that his evenings are now free for more lucrative Hollywood roles, and David Tennant who will not be sticking around for the Moffat Reich. The person who actually said the thing down the phone that caused all the fuss in the first place, Jonathan Ross, is merely on unpaid holiday. Still, the Daily Mail crowd must be feeling they've got a few sausages and a nice bit of liver to go with their pound of flesh, so that's all to the good. Oh, did we just hear Frankie Boyle say something deletory about Her Majesty? Quick, Igor, distribute more torches! I smell me yet more lynching to be done! There's quite a serious and worrying undertone to all this handbaggery: the fawning nature of the BBC Trust, and the BBC's lack of savvy at playing the tabloids; Andrew Sachs's quiet apology-acceptances going un-heard beneath the frenzy of a witch-hunt. At least Mark Thompson comes out of it looking an even bigger prick than he already did (which was already an impressive member that could startle even the most unflappable of shire-horses), and there's a lesson to be learnt in the fact that once the dust has settled and the caked blood has been scraped away, the one who said "he fucked your grandaughter", and whose obscene salary clearly acted as a catalyst to the flood of green ink, will still be creaming off his layer of melamine goodness from the license fee while all around lay maimed and wailing. Consider this moral as you pin on your poppy. Meanwhile, independent television ticks ever on. We don't pay for that (except with that proportion of over-pricing that funds advertising which only serves to annoy us and to maintain in us a dim sense of brand (not Russell) awareness) so it can toddle along un-mobbed... for now.

The Same Old Song:
[documentary on music plagiarism, R2]
March 2006
Wasn't brilliant, as I feared. Some nice comparisons between tunes, but no real inquiry. And the treatment of the Cage v Womble case left a lot to be desired. Enough for me to drop all interest in this programme.

Simon Mayo:
[magazine show, R5]
April 2008
Colin Murray... Colin Murray... do you know what I hate most about Colin Murray (who this week was sitting in for Simon Mayo on R5)? More than his ubiquitousness and his painfully cheery demeanour? I'll tell you what I hate most about Colin Murray: it's that he's actually pretty good at presenting. Once you overlook that sunny palliness, he is -- and I say this grudgingly -- an insightful and thoughtful host who researches his topics well and isn't afraid to challenge his guests. Thinking back, I do seem to remember saying, back in the day, that he was the only half-decent presenter on C4's Big Breakfast replacement: RI:SE. And he was the entertainment correspondent on that: a breed of journalists best skewered and served roast. His work as a disc-jockey is, of course, piped straight into the induction loop radio system they have in the flaming cells of Hell, and his work as a poker commentator was profoundly grating if only for his facile banter with and gentle bullying of his downtrodden co-host. But given some serious topic to preside over, he loses his chirp and goes all serious: a bit too serious actually: there's no need to go off in quite the social-workery way he did when a caller said "bullshite" (couldn't stop apologising... and if you behave and don't say a terrible word like that again, I'd like to put a question back to you, sir... or whatever). Peter "Drive" Allen said "shite" today while trying to say "fighting the good fight". It was cause for amusement, not for seven Hail Marys. Mayo himself would've just given us a quick "if you could mind your language, sir" or something, I would wager. But I am digressing here, quite catastrophically. My point is that Colin Murray is annoying, but I mean to temper that with my admission that, while he may be annoying, he is quite good at hosting a debate. I would cite references in my defence but I'm losing the will, and indeed the conviction.
["Exactly a week later":]
Speaking of Colin Murray's over-reaction to the word "shite", Will Self said "shit happens" on Mayo this Thursday (exactly a week later; same programme), after a question from Mayo's English-studying daughter. Mayo laughed, made the comment: "...English GCSE... maybe we can move on from that..." and continued with no real fuss at all. Just thought I'd offer that comparison to you all. Maybe we can move on from that.
September 2008
In April I talked about Colin Murray. This week Colin Murray continued to get on my tits with his patronising audible grin. I just feel the desire to punch him. And as this is bad of me, I had no choice this week but to turn off the radio and do something else with my ears. He's like a puppy that wants to mate your leg: it's cute but fundamentally it's unpleasant and needs to be stopped. It wouldn't be so bad if he were just unmitigatedly rubbish. I wouldn't feel nearly so guilty then.
March 2009
This week Kermode and Mayo was filmed in front of a live studio audience. This was different. Mayo seemed to really relish the thrill of it, reliving his Radio 1 Roadshow days. I half expected him to come out with a bucket of soapy water or something. Kermode felt compelled to do his full range of funny voices, and there was audience participation on all the 'hello's which was slightly disconcerting. But on the whole it was a nice idea that worked rather well.
September 2009
Terry Wogan deserves a happy retirement, but for the fact that his departure is going to fuck everything up. By everything I mean Radio 5. Chris Evans takes the Radio 2 breakfast show, and is to be replaced of a drive-time by Simon Mayo in a desperate attempt to recreate 1990s Radio 1 (why you'd want to do such a thing, I'm not sure; where have all the easy listeners gone?). In order to take up this role, Mayo will be abandoning his afternoon slot on Radio 5 come the New Year. Simon Mayo was a decent enough DJ although it will be many years before he has fully atoned for creating the "On This Day in History" Q-Sheet template that has plagued commercial radio ever since (in fairness, the introduction of topical history was a Good Thing; the application ad nauseum is the Bad Thing). But his disc jockeying skills pale into insignificance against his talents as a speech-radio presenter (he likes U2 for a start). Much has already been written about Mayo's brilliant performance during and in the wake of September 11th 2001, and with good reason (I came to R5 on September 12th and have never left, so impressed was I by their link-ups with provincial American radio stations and their sheer depth of coverage. I still remember with clarity the tree I was under when I realised that this was Simon Mayo. Simon Mayo?! Simon Mayo. (It was a hawthorn)). Deft is Mayo. And his professional God-botherer status makes him particularly adept when faced with eccentric bishops (something which happened now and then; many recall Ricky Gervais arguing with Rowan Williams, but a far better piece of ecclesiastical debate came from Mayo and some fervently anti-Gay cleric some years earlier, with the two of them trading scripture references). The book club preceded (and was better than) Richard et Judy's endeavour, the fantastic and much missed Almanac team gave us Kevin Day musing on the state of the nation, and then there was Kermode of a Friday with the film reviews. This element of the show will be retained in a weekly two hour slot (2-4, Fridays), but it will have to be careful, for while it remains the week's best bit of radio, it is in danger of eating itself (Hello, Julian Sands) and choking on its own success.

Test Match Special:
[cricket coverage, R4LW / R5SE]
Best Sporting Event 2005 (The Ashes)
November 2006
The highlight of the first night's play was Blowers spotting his first butterfly. Great stuff. And with added Shipping Forecast, it's enough to make an old man very wet.

That Was Then This Is Now:
[comedy series, R2]
September 2006
Once upon a time there were Lee and Herring. Then they parted ways, never again to grace Sunday lunchtimes with their curious blend of mammary intercourse and Jesus-critique. Lee and Herring were never truly brilliant, but they were quite good, made all the better by the mis-scheduling of their show. This week, they're back, albeit separately, and so we might test their progress, litmus-like. The latter is up first, on Saturday lunchtime, with a second series of what is essentially a continuation of the TMWRNJ ethos, even to the delivery of the abbreviated title. His nemesis, Stu, can be found on C5's J'Accuse-alike: Don't Get Me Started (1915-2000, Tue), where he'll be sticking true to stereotype and laying into the concept of blasphemy. As already intimated, whether either of these programmes will actually be entertaining or not is not really clear. The fish-named one is trapped in the time-vortex that is Radio 2, where he determinedly keeps alive the joke-templates he used in Fist of Fun and TMWRNJ. Both were funny at the time. TWTTIN, though, seems a bit... well, old hat. That Herring (still aided by Emma "Nostradamus" Kennedy) is still doing pretty much the same routine as ten years ago is ever so slightly life-numbingly depressing. But it's still funnier than Jerry Springer the Opera (and the thematically similar Now Show).

The Unbelievable Truth:
[comedy panel-game, R4]
October 2009
Better than a smack in the teeth from a woman with fishy hands carrying a brick in a plastic Tescos carrier bag which leaves the perforated hole chad stuck to your bruised and slimy cheek. Better than that. Just.

Uncovering Iran:
[documentary season, R4]
September 2006
R4 tears the hijab from the face of Iran with a series of docs, kicking off with a three-part look at the last 100 years of the Persian state. The Uncovering Iran season is spread rather thinly across the R4 schedule. Probably the most sensible way of listening to it is on-line. I assume there is some dedicated page for it all.

Under Milk Wood:
[drama, R4]
Best Radio Drama 2004
December 2004
This is the AView Award winning adaptation of Dylan Thomas's lovely thing, mixing a contemporary cast with Richard Burton's seminal 1963 performance. A must hear.

Victoria Derbyshire:
[phone-in magazine, R5]
March 2008
This week, Kermode & Mayo invaded Victoria Derbyshire on account of the horse-racing, and cheered up an otherwise creaking morning with their tape of them reviewing films while running around a quadrangle at Eton; Kermode, in a suit and sandals, breathlessly hurling abuse at the concept of U2. This, all in aid of Sport Relief, and curiously entertaining, coupled with the vicious anarchy of one presenter invading another's space and generally taking it over for 45 minutes.

World Cup Football on R5:
[football coverage, R5]
Best Sporting Event 2006
June 2006
The week has, naturally, been dominated by football. Some of the best games seem to have been at 2 o'clock. Bit of a shame, that. A lot more have been a bit dull, but things seem to have livened up today with a 6-0 and some nice play in the first half of NED v CIV. It is a shame that the digital lag makes R5/ITV simulcasting painful. But R5 is vital for the afternoon and commuter-time matches, and Alan Green is irreplacable.