New Soap theme plays (long version).
INT - EVIL CASTLE (Ep.3)
SIDDOR approaches the camera, breathing heavily. He produces his bike pump and whips it to extend it, but the end flies off hitting the camera. The camera wobbles slightly. Mark Curry laughs from within the gasmask.
SUPER. CAPTION: THE NEW SOAP COCK-UPS REEL
Background fades to black as the "R" in the caption wobbles, swings as if on a nail, and then falls out of shot.
EXT - BEACH (Ep.4)
GUS in the trench, struggling to dislodge the casket. Falls backwards into the mud with the momentum of his pulling, splattering filth in all directions. Hearty laughter from around.
EXT - HEAVEN (Ep. 7)
PILATE comes running up to FRIZZARD and PETER. He slips on a cloud and falls flat on his face. Laughter. Blood in a pool around his impacted face. Hilarity. Tears. Toothless grin.
EXT - MOONLIT STREETS OF YORK (Ep.6)
ALEX punches CAROLINE for no clear reason. She clutches her cheek. Looks of shock.
ALEX
Was that not in the script?
DIRECTOR & EWAN MCGREGOR
No
Laughter. Quips. Light bruising.
INT - BOOKSHOP (Ep.9)
STEW is looking at the Chronicle of Enderon. An arm appears from inside and accidentally pokes Stew in the eye. Screams. Of laughter. A head pops out of the book. It should have a silly face. Adds to the comedy. Maybe it could be someone with Downs Syndrome. Yeah, that'll do. Not a dry seat in the house.
INT - 125 - ALEX'S ROOM (Ep.1)
ALEX is running through his room, aimlessly drilling. He trips over some appropriately gothic prop and accidentally drills a hole in his temple. Blood. Tilt down, cleverly, to:
INT - 125 - LIVING ROOM (cont)
Where the blood trickles through the holes in the ceiling and covers LEON and STEW with spatters of redness. Much joking. Camera pans to show off set, where the WARDROBE WOMAN from the documentary is crying desperately amongst racks of bloody clothing. People point and laugh.
EXT - FRENCH ROAD (Ep.1)
A car goes speeding past JANE. We follow the car
as it speeds towards a corner with a tree on the outside. Rather than turning,
the
car piles straight into the tree, followed by an elaborate fireball. Jane
laughs. Laughing off-camera also.
EXT - DESERT (Ep.1)
Empty desert. Suddenly, J3PO and A2D2 plummet into the dunes.
J3PO
(voice of someone who isn't Angus Deayton)
Ow! Fuck me! Help! I think I... I...
I... can't move my legs! Oh god... god...
Everyone is laughing. Some crew members walk up to the robot, as if concerned, then start kicking him, rather violently. Appropriate screams of pain, and impotent pleading from J3PO.
INT - DRAWING ROOM (Ep.7)
CAROLINE sits playing Fur Elise on the piano,
bathed in candle-light.
She wears a green velvet dress.
A great oak door to the left opens, and in walks
JIM.
Jim has darker, longer hair than we are previously
familiar with, and also sports a small beard. He wears a long black velvet
jacket and looks very dignified. He leans against the piano, to the right
of Caroline.
JIM
Dear...
CAROLINE
Yes, darling?
Jim kicks the chair out from under Caroline, and
she falls backwards onto the rugged floor knocking over the candelabra,
which sets fire to a curtain.
Jim leaps upon Caroline, unbuckling his belt
and tearing open his trousers. Caroline is screaming in shock, as Jim tears
the flappy neckline of the dress away to reveal her pert breasts. She struggles
as Jim uses all his strength to control her and get her into position.
Caroline is screaming and thrashing so Jim clamps her mouth with his palm
as he begins to rut into her helpless form.
JIM
Fucking bitch!
Laughter from the crew, who observe this from the side. The floorman appears to have his own cock out, and is massaging it liberally. Someone else points at him and they share a titter, while Caroline succumbs to a lack of oxygen and collapses, bashing her head open on the stone floor. Jim continues to grind at her inert form, bathed in the sinister light of the burning curtain.
INT - E'S BASE (Ep.1)
ESTEBAN and CHRIS are walking around.
ESTEBAN
First I have this pen.
CHRIS
Hmm. Looks perfectly harmless.
Chris fiddles with the buttons
ESTEBAN
Don't touch that!
<snatches pen away>
Never touch the blue button.
CHRIS
Surely it's a reset.
EST.
Blue is never reset. That ees silly.
Blue is alwees defrost.
CHRIS
Defrost?
EST.
It contains a biological infection,
refridgerated below active temperature.
To destroy all human life,
you press the blue button, like thees.
FLOORMAN
Nooooooooo!!!
EST.
Oops.
The two actors bray foppishly, as the floorman runs at them.
FLOORMAN
Did you press the blue button?
EST.
Yeah! Ha!
FLOORMAN
(into walkie-talkie)
Seal off the studios immediately.
We've got a Code Cyan.
Make sure nobody leaves the building,
and get me the Health Minister on the phone.
Some of the extras are starting to cough and sniffle, between their hoots of amusement.
INT - PASTEL LIVING ROOM (Ep.6)
ALAN is dancing about with a flower up his bum. He suddenly looks all queezy and sweaty, and starts vomiting all over the place. Much laughter.
INT - CAFE - (Ep.5)
YOGA and JUDI DENCH in a cafe. Yoga bashes Judi over the head with a guitar and she slumps to the ground in a heap.
YOGA
That's for saving the geese.
Two ZEN FLAMENCOISTS open the doors to the cafe, and in come a savage flock of geese, baying for blood. They attack Judi who screams:
JUDI
No! No! Argh!! If only I'd've known!
And such-like, as the geese tear at her flesh. Blood and feathers are everywhere. The sound is a cacophony of squalking, screaming and agonised laughter.
INT - BARBICAN (Ep.8)
A crowd of people stand and stare. Then suddenly, the seating collapses, and they are all crushed to a bloody pulp. With their last breaths, they let out a final giggle. ALAN is washed towards camera on a wave of blood. He winks as he says:
ALAN
Well you've got to laugh, a'n't y'...
The blood washes over shot as the last note of the theme tune rings out. Fade to black.
CAPTION: No animals were harmed in the making of this film.
Fade out.