A NEW SOAP

 EPISODE ONE:
PART ONE:

A long time ago in a corridor far far away...

BLUE TEXT = Special Edition scenes

Narration (by Anna Ford) with appropriate visuals:

In the sleazy suburbs of Old York, a group of hapless students
are marrooned on a stale and womanless corridor. Their only
female company comes from a history student called Midge and
a cleaning lady known only as Barnie. But when Barnie is killed
in mysterious circumstances, the students have to face up to the
fact that their female population has been ruthlessly halved,
which sounds less good than saying "decimated" but actually
represents a larger proportion. Strained by the responsibility
of being the last woman, Midge is driven insane and destroys
the corridor and its inhabitants by flicking the emergency
self-destruct switch in the kitchen. There ended the last episode.
Here starteth the next:

Title sequence interspersed with footage of pink pulsating organic matter in bio-tubes.
Lots of sickening noises too...

Fade up on:

INT - WHITE MEDI LAB

Leon, Alex, Stew, Jim, Midge and Chris sit naked on a raised platform.
Leon is whistling the German National Anthem. Jim is averting his eyes from anything.
Enter Esteban.

Est
Good afternoon.

Stew
Helloo!

Est
Would you like a cup of tea?

There is general murmered agreement.

Midge
What happened?

Jim2
(appearing from behind them)
Alex was captured and brainwashed by a faction of rogue geese.
BabySham defected to the Other Side, and you went quite insane.

Midge
Oh.

Jim2
But everything is better now.

Alex
Murgh.

Jim
Is this a hospital?

Jim2
Yes. You could say that...

Stew
How's Mr.Chips? How's Roy?!

Jim2
I'm sorry?

Jemimah (Janet Ellis)
(appearing at his side)
The corridor, sir.

JEMIMAH is an attractive secretary with dark hair.

Jim2
Er... yes... Allow me to hand over to
General Anthony Wilton, chief of housing.

Ant appears at other side of room

Chris
Ant!

Ant
Er, yes... I was chosen to infiltrate your corridor at the appropriate
time in order to gain information vital to our national security.

Stew
The corridor!

Ant
Is dead.

Stew
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Ant
But, there is a house...

Stew
Go on...

Ant
It will serve yourself, Leon, Jim and Alex.

Chris
What about me!

Midge
Yes?

Ant
Other arrangements are being made. The two of you are of the
upmost importance to our strategic defence initiative.

Midge
Really?

Ant
Yes.

Stew
Is it a nice house?

Ant
It has beams.

Stew
Beams? Wow!

Ant
And for you, Leon, there are vast amounts of broken domestic
appliances which will act with that unpredictable and
love-invoking charm that made Rowenta so important to you.

Leon
I should hope so!

Jim2
I will take you to your new home in 75 minutes.
Until then you may make use of our dressing-up
box, canteen and washroom facilities.

Mix to

INT - MI7 CORRIDORS

Flushing sound. A fully clothed Jim walks into it from the toilet.
He wears a blue shirt and black trousers.
Jim2 approaches. The two walk together.

Jim2
Ah! Jim! We have looked into your records.

Jim
Sorry?

Jim2
If you are willing, we have a placement here for you, at MI7.

Jim
What doing?

Jim2
Really simple computery stuff. You'd love it.

Jim
Oh, okay then.

They pass a cross-junction (left-right). We stay at the junction to look down the crossing corridor, where Ant and Midge appear from round a far corner and walk towards us.

Ant
So basically, what will happen is that you will be sent off
to a training satellite and eventually placed on a starship crew.

Midge
I don't know... What about my studies?

Ant
The university exploded.

Midge
Did it?

Ant
Yes. Don't you remember flicking the switch?

Midge
No.

Ant
Oh. Well, anyway...

Midge
Okay... I may as well...

Ant
Good.

Midge
How much does it pay?

Ant
2/6 a month.

Midge
That sounds a bit crap...

Ant
Yeah, but you get all sorts of free merchandise...

They reach the junction, and the camera pans to follow them, only to lock onto the corridor the Jims went down.
Midge and Ant have disappeared off to the right of the camera. Est. and Chris are approaching from the distance.

Chris
So I'll be a secret double agent?

Est
Yes, master...

Chris
With a girl for each limb?

Est
Yes...

Chris
And lots of far-eastern assignments?

Est
Yes, mast...

Chris
This is my detiny! It was bound to be!

Est
Very good, master...

They pass the camera in the direction of the toilet.

To summarise (where + marks cross-junction and names mark direction the people come from):

Jim & Jim2 +

Ant & Midge
+

+ Chris & Est

Fade.

EXT - 125 MAIN STREET - DAY

Establish a small teraced three-story property on an A-road.

INT - 125 LIVING ROOM - DAY

Inside, Jim2 shows Alex, Leon, Jim and Stew around...
Alex wears a black suede jacket. Leon wears a black shirt, and a big black corduroy coat.
He also carries a violin case and is sporting the slightest hint of a beard.
Stew has ditched the cardigan.

Jim2
This is the living room.

walks through an arch to:

INT - 125 KITCHEN - DAY

The others follow

Jim2
And this is the kitchen.
There are some stairs, that go up...

Jim
Is it all electric?

Jim2
Yeah. It's a meter.

Jim
(picking up a Guardian mug)
And does this cup come with the property?

Jim2
No. That cup's mine. But most of the crap stuff is thrown in.

Stew
Where'd you get the cup from?

Jim2
I made it.

Stew
But it's a Guardian mug, as in the newspaper...

Jim2
I made it with my own bare hands.

Stew
Oh. Okay...

Jim
So what's the rooms like?

Jim2
What you mean?

Jim
Are they big?

Jim2
I'll show you...

He leads them upstairs.

INT - 125 LOWER STAIRS - DAY

Jim
Does it get cold?

Jim2
I suppose so.

Jim
Is it nice living here?

Jim2
It could be worse.
(They reach a closed door to the right at the top of the stairs)
This room is above that first room but it's locked.

(INT - 125 FIRST LANDING - DAY)

Jim
What's it like?

Jim2
The same as that first room.

Jim
What's in it?

Jim2
A bed... some furniture... stuff...

He moves on, past the bathroom. The camera can only see a little amount through the semi-open door.
It should look as hiddeous and run down as possible.
No-one considers to look in.

Jim2
This next room is the smallest.

Alex
I'm not having that...

Stew
Nor me!

<beat>

Leon
Look, if it matters that much to you, I'll have it!

Jim2 opens the door on a three foot square cupboard.

Jim2
You see what I mean about small. The water heater's in there too.

Leon
It's an airing cupboard...

Jim2
Up here're the best rooms.

He heads up a second flight.

INT - 125 SECOND STAIRS - DAY

Stew
Where you from?

Jim2
Nowhere.

Stew
You must be from somewhere... What town are you near?

Jim2
None.

Stew
Then what's the place called where you live?

Jim
It must have a name...

Jim2
Ipswich.

Stew
Understandable, I suppose.

They reach a small three-foot square landing opening on to two magnificent rooms.

INT - 125 SECOND LANDING - DAY

INT -125 JIM'S ROOM - DAY

Alex
Oh, wow. This room's mine. I want it known, this room's mine.

INT - 125 STEW'S ROOM - DAY

Stew
Well I'm having this one then.

The two rooms have beams. Alex's claimed room is slightly larger.

INT - 125 SECOND LANDING etc - DAY

Jim2
Good. Well I'll be off.

He disappears down the stairs.

Jim
Well I'd quite like this room.

Alex
Murgh.

Stew
We could draw lots.

Alex
Noo!

Jim
Yeah...

Alex
We'll roll dice. Highest chooses first.

They roll. Stew wins. Alex looses. Stew spends three days deciding which room to have (timelapse)...

Stew
I'll stick with this one.

Leon
Why don't I get a roll?

Jim
You've got the small one. You said you'd have it.

Alex
Come on!

Jim
I'll have this one.

Alex
It's MY room!!

Jim
Nope.

Alex
Murgh... There'll be deaths for this...

Jim shrugs.
Lightening tilt up to:

EXT - FLOATING SPACE STATION - IN SPACE

Establish.

INT - GENERIC SPACE-STATION INTERIOR

The evil SIDDOR (Mark Curry) puts the finishing touches to a reconstructed BabySham.
Siddor wears a gas mask, behind which sprouts a shock of red hair.
He also wears a seventies-style black, one-piece, ribbed jump suit, and a black cape.
On his hands he wears black gloves. On his feet he wears black boots.
Babysham is more mechanical than before. His right eye is all Terminatory. He has guns on his arms etc.
He wears a swishy black cape, and a back pack full of guns, electric long-bows etc..

Siddor
Arise my child!

BabyS rises.

BabyS
Master.

Siddor laughs

Siddor
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

BabyS
What is your bidding, my lord?

Siddor
Capture me the beautiful Princess Rae.

BabyS
Okay then, boss.

Siddor
Once I have her in my cluches she will reveal the wherabouts
of the Crystal willingly! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Cut to:

INT - 125 STEW'S ROOM - EARLY MORN.

Stew gets out of bed and opens curtains whilst completely naked. He now has a full beard.
Light shines in and we see from various angles Stew sillhoetted through the window with arms outstretched, and, from the side, bathed in light, Christ like.
This is emphasised by the positioning of an oak beam which suggests a crucifix's cross beam through use of perspective.
This is also intercut with:

EXT - 125 STEW'S ROOM - EARLY MORN.

Cut to:

INT - 125 SECOND LANDING/STAIRS/FIRST LANDING - CONT.

Fully dressed Stew going down stairs with a toiletry bag.
At the top of the stairs, the two doors are open and in light. At the bottom there is light from under the closed door, and strains of classical music can be heard.
Stew enters the bathroom next door. The door shuts on the camera.
After a few lengthy moments, staring at the door and listening to the music there is a clunk as the toilet seat collapses.  Stew is heard to curse.

Pan around to opposing door which is cracked open.
Through the crack we make out a table layed with tarot cards, a pentangle on the floor, and a number of terrifying posters, including the Tory's Demon Eyes ad.

INT - 125 FIRST STAIRS/KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - CONT.

Track down stairs, past an image of christ's face in gloss paint on the wall, and enter the kitchen.
The kitchen is always dark. It has a strangely gothic charm. This kitchen is straight out of The Crow.
Establish, and concentrate on The Invigilator, an intriguing perforated metal disc assembly, not unlike a vegetable steamer.
Note also, but in less time, the devilish Ikea knife set.
Then track into the living room. after a quick establish pan up to a close up of the gothic chandelier. Use of shadow.
After several seconds the light is switched on.
Fade to white.

Mix to TV set. ADAM HART-DAVIS, in a pink tu-tu discusses Norman architecture.
Pull out to reveal window behind telly, and as TV image darkens, see reflection of Stew in opposing arm-chair.

Mix to reverse shot, with Stew's symmetrical seating position remaining at centre of shot so he appears to melt into reality.
Also note Leon, sat on a settee, caressing the bridge of his nose with his index fingers. For a moment it appears as if Leon is praying to Stew.
The words of Adam Hart-Davis echo with the un-natural reverb of the living room.
Drilling noises.
Stew and Leon look up. Holes are appearing in the ceiling. The holes are strategically positioned so that they accurately map the heavens.
Stew and Leon look at each other, and much shivering of nervousness ensues.

Tilt / crane up, arty thing through floorboards to Alex's room: the one with the scary stuff. Beams of light cross the darkened room a la Shallow Grave.

Pan right and mix to pan right on:

EXT - ALCUIN (CONCRETE) BRIDGE (MI7 aka YORK UNI) - DAY

Jim, Jim2, Chris, Ant and Esteban are walking across it.
Chris wears a bow-tie and DJ. Esteban wears a lab coat.

Jim2
Yes, I got an ICQ from GHQ telling me I had to be IP at
13OOhrs GMT and that if I wasn't I'd be OOMHA.

Ant
Awt on your hairy old arse!

Much laughter.

Jim2
<to Chris>
Now then, 008, you've been fully briefed on your TSM?

Chris
Yes, J2, BS B'd me at BFT.

Jim2
Yes, yes. Very good. Now then, E,
I believe you have a few CLGs to show our SA.

Est.
Si, senor. I have. Come thees way Chrees.

EXT- COMP.SCI. (MI7) - DAY

Est. escorts Chris down a dark passageway at the edge of CompSci.

INT - PASSAGEWAY (MI7) - DAY

The others follow. They wind up in:

INT - UNDERGROUND BUNKER (MI7) - DAY, NIGHT, IT'S ALL THE SAME UNDERGROUND...

Lots of EXTRAS fart around with inventions.

Chris
Now then, E, what do you have for me.

Est.
Well, Chrees, first I have this pen.

Chris
Hmm. Looks perfectly harmless.

Chris fiddles with the buttons

Est.
Don't touch that!
<snatches pen away>
Never touch the blue button.

Chris
Surely it's a reset.

Est.
Blue is never reset. That ees silly.
Blue is alwees defrost.

Chris
Defrost?

Est.
It contains a biological infection, refridgerated below active
temperature. To destroy all human life, you press the blue button.
So never put it in your pocket this way, just incase.
Alwees put the cap on, like thees.

Chris
What's the red button.

Est.
The red button records a message which you
can play back by pressing the yellow button.
<presses yellow; tape effect:>
"pressing the yellow button."

Chris
Wow.

Est.
This way please. Now this may appear to be an ordinary
'Birdspotting' poster, but if you press this neepple here...

     The raunchy poster inflates into an aqualung

Chris
Titilating.

Est.
Hmm. Yes. Now, your watch. It's a Seconda TS137B, available in
standard form from all good jewelers and stockists, priced £67.98.
It comes equipped with a calculator, world time, a thermometer,
three different timer modes, five alarms, and also this rather
nifty lighting system so you can tell the time in the dark.

Chris
Wow. What about the car?

Est.
Er, yes. Funding eesn't what it used to be, Chrees.

Pull out to reveal a bike with it's front fork missing.

Back in:

INT - 125 LIVING ROOM - BLACKOUT (EARLY EVENING)

Leon and Stew sit around an orange flashing roadworks light. The light illuminates Stew in such a way as to give the impression of a halo.
Other than this light, the room is pitch black. The sound of drilling continues, and plaster falls on Leon's shoulder.
Both start as the door loudly opens. Jim enters from front door (EXT - EARLY EVENING).

Stew
Halloo!

Jim
Hello.

Stew
He's drilling again.

Jim
Oh, no! I just re-stippled the ceiling.
Do you know how much Artex costs?
Why are you sat in the dark?

Stew
The meter's run out. Got a quid?

Jim fishes around in his coat pocket.
Produces a tissue, puts it in his other pocket, his keys and a lightsabre are put on the chair, some credit cards aswell, then out comes a handful of change.
He finds several pound coins and puts them in. The lights come on. The orange light is barely seen to flash now.
Jim sits down.
Stew experiences a pain in his left foot.
Removes his shoe, and draws from his sock an old rusty nail, the diameter of a ten pence piece at the head, and about four inches long.

Stew
These shoes are knackered.

Note that the shoes are held together by bits of string and have more holes than a leper's face.
His sock is covered in blood.

Stew
I washed my bedding today, I hung it over the
beam in your room; you don't mind do you?

Cut to:

INT - 125 JIM'S ROOM - DAY

The turin shroud hangs on the beam.
Look out of window to see a BENT OLD FRENCH HARRIDAN (Glenda Jackson) with a green bottle, staggering to the bottle bank.

Mix to:

EXT - SMALL AIRPORT - DAY

We dwell on a european skyline before following an aeroplane landing on a small runway.

Caption: Vienna.

Cut to Chris being met at the airport by a three foot tall WOMAN (animatronics; voice of Lee Pilich) in a red anorak.

Woman
Oh, Chris... glad you could make it.

Chris
Hmm, you must be CIA.

Woman
Yes. Gladys is my name, but you may call me GX3 if you like.

Chris
Well, GX3, what do you have to offer me.

Woman
Oh, Chris...

Chris
The mission.

Woman
Our Lady's Abbey, just up the road. Why do you ask?

Chris
There was a nun I once knew. But...

Woman
There's something you should know.

Chris
There is?

Woman
Yes.

Chris
What?

Woman
This mean's nothing to me.

Chris
What?

Woman gestures to her surroundings.

Chris
Ah! Vienna.

Two gunshots. See Woman dead on floor.
In her dying breaths:

Woman
There are two others...

Chris
Other whats?

She points towards a cafe:

Woman
Brussel Sprouts.

She then dies.

Cut to:

EXT - DARK RAINY VIENNA STREET - NIGHT

Saxaphone plays. Concentrate on a tired old gumshoe, STAN (Fred Ward).

Stan
<vo>
It was obvious that I'd been led to the wrong place.
There was no sign of the three Bonds. I'd just about had
enough when I stepped into an old Chinatown restaurant.

INT - CHINESE RESTRAUNT (UK STYLE w. COUNTER, TV and HATCH) - NIGHT

A bell tings. Behind a counter stands a Japanese man in an Aladdin costume and round-rimmed specs, TIM (Burt Kwouk).

Tim
Hah so! Ah! Customers! Prease, take a seat.
And what can I get for you?

Stan
<vo>
This man was clearly strange. I studied him closely.

Stan
I'll have egg fried rice please.

Tim
Ah! Egg flied lice.

Stan
No, egg fried rice.

Tim
Ah so!

Stan
Do you know anything about Mitch Carabina?

Tim
Ah! Mitch Calabina. I terr you a stoly. I was walking thlough the
park rast night when I came acloss a young girr, and she was
sitting on this lock, light. And I sat next to her and I said:
"Don't cly, rittle girr." and she rooked up to me and I shagged her.

Stan
What's that got to do with Mitch Carabina.

Tim
Nothing.

Stan
Tell me what you know about Mitch Carabina.

Tim
Nothing.

Stan
Hmm.
<vo>
I couldn't help thinking that he wasn't
letting on all that he knew. So I whipped him.

Tim
She is in the back!

Stan
A-ha.

A-ha (the Norwegian pop-trio)
(appearing from behind the desk)
'Touch me! How can it be?! Believe me! The Sun Always Shines On TV'

Tim
Shut up.
(Clips Morten)
Who ret you in here?!

Morten
Sørree. We're døing då theeme musick.

Tim
Bah.

Stan goes into:

INT - LARGE FACTORY-LIKE BACK ROOM (NOT A KITCHEN) - NIGHT

...where SEVERAL ATTRACTIVE YOUNG LADIES are cleaning CHINESE PEOPLE.

Stan
What is going on here?

Tim
(cowardly sidling up to him after dealing with A-Ha - seen through the doorway and service hatch)
Is a Chinese raundely.

Stan shoots Tim.
MITCH CARABINA (Meryl Streep) runs up to Stan. She wears a floaty blue dress. They embrace.

Mitch
Stan, Stan, you came.

Stan
Yes, darling. I'm here now.

Sweeping strings. Suddenly, JAMES BOND (Piers Brosnan) comando-slides down a rope and into shot,
plucking Mitch away from Stan. Bond wears a tuxedo, obviously.

Mitch
Ah!

Bond
Hello, Ms Carabina.

Mitch
Oh, Bond...

She swoons...

Bond
Yes, you were always waiting for me to pick you up.

Suddenly, the back wall comes crashing in, and an F18 Hornet flies in; in the cockpit is a famous cricketer, CRAIG (Tom Cruise).
Bond's grip on Mitch slips, and she plummets back to earth where Stan catches her.

Craig
Good 'ands!

Craig lands and steps out. He too is wearing a DJ and a bow tie. He dusts himself down.

Craig
Hi, girls.

All the girls rush to him, swooning.
Bond leaps down to face Craig. He punches him. Craig falls to the floor.
He calls to Stan and Mitch for assistance.

Bond
Help me carry this young loon away. It's a matter of life and
death... or rather, an anti-matter of life and death...

Stan
<vo>
It was obvious he required our assistance.

Stan
What do you mean?

Stan
<vo>
I said.

Bond
The anti-matter version of this fake Bond is but ten yards away.
If they meet, who knows what destruction could occur.

The three drag Craig to the entrance.
 

EXT- CHINESE RESTRAUNT - NIGHT

Chris cycles to entrance.
Cut to shot in extreme distance. Explosion.

Mix to:

INT - 125 LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Fabric of the universe melts away.

Stew
What's happening?

Leon
Ewan Pru must be upstairs.

Shot of Stew; blank screen for a few seconds

Stew
You needn't've put as much money in, Jim.

Fade to white...

INT - LIMBO SET

Totally white screen.

Stew
Hello? Is there anybody there?

Alex
Yeah! I'm here. How are you? Are you okay?

Stew
I'm fine... you?

Alex
Never felt better. I'm feeling on top of the world.

sings a carpenters song

Stew
Hmm.

We notice shapes in the distance. They are Stew, Alex and Leon.
They are approaching us. The whole thing looks very THX...

Leon
Hello!?

Stew
Leon?!

Leon
Over here!

Stew
Is Jim with you?!

Leon
No.

Cut to:

EXT - DESERT - DAY

Whooshing noises. Then Jim falls to the ground with a thud and a plume of dust. He dusts himself off and looks around.
TWO DROIDS appear.

Jim
Hello?

J3PO (Angus Deayton)
Ah, master Jim.

Jim
Sorry?

Atoo (Dusty Bin)
<whistles>

J3PO
What my little tin colleague is trying to say is,
hurry up or we'll be killed!

Jim
What do you mean?

J3PO
We're in the heart of Tang Hall! This is
imperial territory... For fuck's sake, run!!

Jim
Uh?!

Jim is dragged by the two droids to the shelter of a nearby cave where they are set upon by TANG HALL PEOPLE wielding bicycle forks.
In the heat of the battle, it seems that Jim is doomed, until suddenly, a bolt of light strikes down from heaven and the Tang Hall people dissipate.
There then appears an old man with long white hair.

Omra (Matthew Perry in latex)
They're gone. You're safe now.

J3PO
Oh my! Dagar Omra of Tetsoowt!

He bows

Omra
Yes. We must prepare for the rebel assault!

mix to:

EXT - A SMALL VIENNA BACK-STREET - DAWN

Ash rains from the sky upon three lonely characters: Bond, Mitch and Stan.

Bond
Just goes to show, the Chinese make the best fireworks.

Stan
<vo>
It was clear that this man was no ordinary spy. It turned out that the two other James Bonds
were future regenerations of himself, sent back in time to destroy him. Now they were gone,
but I couldn't help feeling there was something amiss about this character. The way he
wielded that Pulp CD seemed somewhat unnatural, and I couldn't help noticing that he was
drinking Jack Daniels rather than Martini. I chose to say nothing other than thankyou,
and then left with Mitch in search of the forgotten crystal of enderon.

Mix to:

INT - SPACE STATION

Crystal of Enderon in the black leather gloved palm of Siddor's right hand.
Siddor is dressed entirely in black but for the waves of ginger hair pertruding from his mask.

Siddor
At last... I have the crystal! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha
        ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah a ha ha hah !

zoom in on crystal and mix to:

INT - LIMBO SET

Stew
Is it a silly question, but where are we?

Leon
Who gives a fuck.

Alex
Are you alright?! Cheer up, you silly old bugger. It might never 'appen.

Leon
<mumbles>

Stew
<carressing the bridge of his nose with his index fingers>
So you don't think we should find a way out then?

Alex
I think this way is good!
<points to a door>

Leon
Mum mhhr mmhmr.

Alex
What've we got to loose?

Alex opens door. all white rushes away and we find ourselves in a dark dank slightly rough but accademically above average (just) local comprehensive school.

INT - SEGRAVE HOUSE BASE/FLYOVERS etc - DAY

Stew
Hmm

Han (Stephen Tompkinson)
<appearing from behind a door>
You need to charter a ship?

Stew
Er, yes.

Han
This way please.

They duck and weave through laser blasts along a corridor.
Through one door they see DES LYNAM screwing a sheep, through another, HERCULES (Kevin Sorbo of the US TV show) performs a heroic task.
They finally reach a room unlike no other.

Han
This is the S1, she can do the Driffield Run in under 8 parsecs.

Leon
That's shit, a parsec is a distance.

Han
There's a lot of roads in Driffield, I take the shortest known
route without getting sucked into a herbaceous border because I'm so
fucking fast. I trust you are members of the 'Bull Space Charterers Board'?

Alex
Yes.

Han
Then make the sign with me.

They wiggle their fingers in a masonic gesture.
Mix to model FX shot of S1 taking off into the universe.


INT - OMRA'S HOVEL - DAY

Jim meanwhile is attacking a light fitting with an outstretched bicycle pump.

Omra
No, no, Use the power of Greyskull.

Jim
Sorry?

Omra
The power of Greyskull is a force exerted by all living things.
Harness it. Harness it well. Like your father...

Jim
You knew my father?

Omra
Er, did I say your father? No, I meant your Uncle Egbert...

Jim
My Uncle Egbert! You knew HIM!!? He was my idol...

Omra
Not your Uncle Egbert, I don't mean him, no, no, who was it...
Your next door neighbour's brother's dog's sister's owner's son.

Jim
Nick Brunswick?!

Omra
Oh, well, no, I can't remember... not him..
someone else... anyway, that's not important.

Jim
Wait, Omra, you're holding something from me... I can sense it.

Omra
Fuck fuck! Right. Alright! Nick Brunswick.

Jim
Wow! What was he really like?!

Omra
Very good with a bike-pump. Now shut up and get on with it.

Mix to:

EXT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAY

Establish.

Stan
<vo>
I'd just got to the airport when we were stopped at customs:

INT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAY

A customs official, SAM (Kit Hesketh-Harvey), stops the party.

Sam
Hello, you have nothing to declare?

Stan
No

Sam
No liquor, no baccy, no foreign countries hidden in your chin?

Stan
No.

Sam
Do you mind if I take the liberty of inspecting your chin?

Stan
Yes.

Sam
I'm sorry, but it IS really necessary.

Stan
Okay... it's only Luxembourg.

Sam
Well you'll have duty to pay.

Bond
Excuse me! Did you say you had Luxembourg in your chin?

Stan
Yes.

Bond
May I pop in there..? It'd save me a journey.

Stan
Okay.

Bond leaps into Stan's stubbly chin.

EXT - LUXEMBOURG - DAY

Bond
Now to find the luscious double agent; Karen...

Montage - Exciting music as Bond gets on a jet ski and flies to an underground bunker where he gets the lift to a pretty hotel.

Mix to a similar luscious apartment:

INT - LUSCIOUS APARTMENT

...where PRINCESS RAE (Ricki Lake) sits on a bed. She wears a white and purple dress and has her hair done silly.
Siddor enters:

Siddor
Princess Rae, I have you now.
If you do not agree to my requests
I shall torture you with this Invigilator!

A silver device, not unlike a vegetable steamer, floats in at shoulder height, making a buzzing noise.

Rae
No! Never.

She lashes out with her steel bladed feet.
Siddor's electric shin pads spark, and Rae's feet suffer a shock.

Siddor
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ha hah ah! ha ha ha ha
hah hah ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha hah ha ha ha hah ah ah!

Cut to:

EXT - S1 - SPACE

[The S1 looks rather like the Post Office Tower on its side]

INT - S1

Han is flying through space...
He spies a young girl and lands the ship on an unknown planet. (appropriate exterior model shots).

Han
Here we are. £12. I'll call it ten.

Alex
There you go. Ta ra.

EXT - DESERT - EVENING

They step out and wander aimlessly towards a shed.

Alex
Wow, what's this?

Stew
It's a radio station.

Alex
It seems empty...
Wow, let's go on air...

Leon
Mmrmrh...

Alex
You never know... Jim might be listening...

Mix to three men in a studio...

INT - SMALL RADIO STUDIO - NIGHT

Alex is sat there talking into a microphone while Stew sits in quiet tension.
Leon sits amongst a pile of books, contemplating his own mortality while reading the back of a Nirvana CD.

Alex
And I say, blessed are the meek for they are like really cool, erm
and erm, blessed are the er, the peacemakers. What do you think Leon?

Leon
Mmrh?

Alex
Yeah, they run at the front of marathons and sing Ferry Cross the
Mersey and stuff don't they... This next track is a great favourite
of mine... it's something stupidly long by Pink Floyd.

Stew
I've worked out what's wrong...

Alex
What do you mean 'what's wrong'?

Stew looks gone out at Alex for severel minutes.

Alex
Eh? What you on about.

Stew
Well, I'd've thought it was obvious. I thought it was obvious.

Alex
What?

Stew
Well what?

Alex
I don't know! You tell me!

Stew
There you go, you see...

Alex
What!!?!?!

Stew goes quiet again.

Alex
Oh fuck y' then.

Leon
Mmrh mmrh.

Alex
Quick, help me... he's trapped under some text books!

Stew
There you go, you see...

Alex stops in his tracks. Stands and looks at Stew.

Alex
What? What now?

Stew
Look at the size of those text books. They probably break some
kind of maximum weight restriction for library books. The European
Parliament would probably say it's a breach of human rights,
carrying something that heavy. And as for you attempting to dig
him out. You'd've normally not noticed if he was asphixiating
under fifteen hard-back copies of Advanced Quantum Mechanics
in Twenty Illustrated Volumes. And they're physics. Everyone
knows Leon is studying advanced level assasination.
It seems to me that something here is a foot.

Alex
What, you mean the distance between the shelves just there?

Stew
There you go again, that's the type of thing I normally do.

Alex
So what you saying?

Stew
I think it's quite obvious.

Alex
Is it?

Stew
Yes.

Alex
Go on...

Stew
You'd have to be really thick not to work it out.

Alex
Try me...

Stew
I think...

<fade to black for five seconds. fade up>

Stew
...that our mindsets have been moved round one.

Alex
You mean I'm behaving like you do?

Stew
And I'm behaving like Leon.

Alex
Which means that Leon isn't suffocating...

Stew
No, that's how he always is...

Alex
I see. So what are we going to do?

Stew
I don't know. I'll think about it.

Stew goes into comatic thought processes.
Alex spins on his revolving office chair for a bit.

Mix to:

INT - KAREN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Bond in bed with the luscious KAREN.

Bond
I must leave you now.

Karen
Okay.

Bond goes.

Karen opens up a bed side cabinet to reveal a computer console.
She presses some buttons and a monitor fizzles into action. We see Siddor on the screen.

Karen
Have you done my bidding, Siddor.

Siddor
What was that?

Karen
Have you decimated the Rosalinds of Antion?

Siddor
Oh.. yes. I did that the other day.

Karen
I see. Then you have wrought Vengeance
on the Carps of Newton Abbot?

Siddor
Er.. yes. I think so.

Karen
You think so?

Siddor
Yes...

Karen
Are you sure?

Siddor
Yes... yes.

Karen
Siddor, do you have any idea how difficult this is for me. It
isn't easy to parody science-fiction any more. There's only so
many jokes and I find myself constantly treading on the toes of
Blackadder, Red Dwarf, and more recently, a bizzare yet
hillariously entertaining Earth programme they called 'Big Train'.

Siddor
Ah yes. Quite risable that one was, your magnificence.

Karen
Yes, but it means that I can't easily take the
classic sci-fi satirising line of mundanality.

Siddor
And I can't say things like 'I killed them if that's what you
mean'. That would've gone down quite well earlier aswell...

Karen
Yes. D'you know that now I can't even do the housework for fear
of plagerism! I mean, this bedroom's a complete tip, but if I
so much as lift a finger to tidy it I will be arrested.
And I daren't turn the telly on, just in case Tellytubbies is on.

Siddor
I understand your vexation, oh shimmering one. I too am troubled
for my helmet causes me great chafing, yet if I am to complain
I am immediately pointed at as a thief and a simpleton.

Karen
What sad times are these?

Siddor
Half past two.

Karen
No! That is no escape. Our comedy may be slim
and desperate but even WE must set standards.

Siddor
Oh. Many thousand apologies, oh tempter of the greats.

Karen
Tempter of the whats?

Siddor
Of the greats, your trembliness.

Karen
That's crap. You're just getting silly.

Siddor
Then you may thrash me, your most electric of larynx.

Karen
Go away.

Siddor
Oh, okay.

He is replaced by static

mix to:

INT - OMRA'S HOVEL - NIGHT

Jim is still getting to grips with the bike-pump.
Pull back to reveal J3PO in several smouldering bits on the floor.

J3PO
Well this is fucking charming this, init.

Omra
Silence. The boy must learn if he's
to one day face the Evil Siddor.

J3PO
Oh! Never mind the fact that I'm sprawled around the room
in thousands of tiny bits. I mean, what's that over there?
It's a bit of my artificial kidney! Fuck this.

Omra
Stop whinging.

J3PO
Whinging!? How can I be expected to function properly when some
of my most important organs resemble findus crispy pancakes?!

Omra
Shut up. You're getting seventy quid for this.

J3PO
Is that all. It deserves more than seventy quid when
sections of you're duodenum are being used as fetching
yet impromptu light fitting decorations.

Jim
So who's this Siddor bloke I'm supposed to face?

Omra
An evil genius of the bleak side.

J3PO
He killed a lot of people.

Jim
I see. And why do I have to face him?

Omra
It is your destiny.

Jim
Oh. Right.

J3PO
He'll probably try to kill you eventually.
If you haven't dismembered yourself by that time.

Omra
Ow! Ow!

Jim
Sorry!

Omra
Sorry?! That's an arm you've just chopped off!

Jim
Is it working?

Omra
What do you think?

Jim tests the bike-pump with his finger which smoulders.

Jim
Ouch! So it is. That was a bit stupid that, wasn't it.

Omra
Just put the bike-pump down.

Jim puts it down, still switched on. The power causes it to swish crazilly across the floor, cutting off Omra's feet.

Omra
Yaaaaaaaw!!!

Atoo bleeps and whistles.

Jim
What's he saying?

J3PO
He says that Master Omra will need a new pair of Umbro Campionati.

Jim
Oh. That's a very clever talent. What trainers am I wearing?

Atoo whistles

J3PO
Nike Womaniser.

Jim
Wow, so they are!

Omra
Stop the fucking bike-pump!

Jim
Oh, sorry.

Jim catches it, like a beer mat flipped, and shuts it off

Omra
Good. Now, there's something you should see.

Jim
What?

Omra
A secret message left to you by your father.
I'm afraid I don't understand it, but you just might.

Jim
Wow!
<he reads:>
'Chef's pheasant is so local, even the local police want a piece'.
What's that supposed to mean? Hang on, so you DID know my father.

Omra
Yes... he also left you this rather nice recipe for... fudge...

Jim
So who was he? Who who who?

Omra then dies of wounds incurred from the bike-pump.

Jim
Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!

to Part Two of Episode One