INT - STEW'S ROOM, YORK UNIVERSITY - DAY

Stew (Ewan McGregor), a long haired philosopher, wakes up in a cold sweat.
He shakes and gets dressed, then walks out the door of his room, passing the sleeping form of his room-mate, BabySham (Guy Pearce), who is hidden under the covers.
Outside the room is:

INT - MR CHOPS: THE CORRIDOR - DAY

Stew walks down it, and then out into the real world:

EXT - GOODRICKE SQUARE - DAY

On entering the real world, he leaves it again quickly for the safe refuge of:

INT - COMPUTER TERMINAL ROOM - DAY

He sits at a computer and types:
The bees are making cheese.
There's no money in honey.
They've cornered the market for christmas.

Melt to:

INT - ALEX'S ROOM, YORK UNI

Alex (Vincent Perez) waking up, screaming.
He is in a coffin, surrounded by candles. A pentangle is drawn onto the floor.
He gets out of his coffin, and slips on a banana skin.

Mix to

INT - SPACE-SHIP FORUM AREA (LIKE MILLENIUM FALCON LIVING ROOM)

Leon (Jean Reno), waking in terror.
He is in a spaceship.
Another character, looking not entirtely dissimilar to Leon, speaks.
We shall call him Leon 2.

He holds up a pair of glasses.

Leon turns and walks away.

Whizz across the universe to our gallant heroes, who are sat entranced before the evil-supercomputer Chocabloc.

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY

They chant nursery rhymes.

Mix up through crystal ball.

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

The ball is covered in blood, flesh and bits of brain. Pull out to reveal that Berlin is slumped in her chair, with large portions of her head missing.

Bad Influence is backing away towards Fred Harris's cage, looking up the barrel of a light-gun held by Siddor.

As Bad Influence gibbers, Fred is able to grab the keys from a bumbag around Bad Influence's waist.

Bad Influence recieves a bullet of pure light energy to the chest. He collapses and dies.
The blood is of a slightly darker shade than his outfit. Cue something quite arty with the blood and stuff.
With a lightening movement, Fred opens his cage, leaps across the room, and karate-kicks the light-gun from Siddor's hand.
But Siddor is a grand master of the ancient art of Tang Hall Do and the two fight.
The fight scene is a near replica of the computer game fight with Princess Rae. The only difference is that both men are juggling a ming vase and one of those glass ships respectively, and endeavouring to protect them from any breakage.
At one point in the action, Siddor snaps one of the little sailors off the mast. They both stop.

Siddor puts his hand into his pocket, and with a great deal of force, he pulls out again and knocks Fred Harris flying. Fred flies into the ropes.
In the corner, on a stool, outside the ropes, JOHNNY BALL (himself) stretches his arm out. Fred tags him, and Johnny enters the fight. He limbers up.

Cut to:

INT - DISUSED BUILDING - DAY

J3PO is now a molten goo. Jim2 sticks his pike in and prods around.

The shock of this comment takes a while to manifest itself on the countenance of the molten gloop.
There is a distant scream.
This is followed by a flock of extras running around before the camera, dressed as crew-members, and exuding a general air of panic and desperation.
Throw a few geese, ducks and chickens in for good measure.
Then add one or two fish.
Season with parsley and stir gently over a warm hob for ten minutes or till golden brown.

Jim2 scoops up J3PO's eyes with a woden spoon and carries them to a window. The window is very high and looks over the city.
J3PO releases a blood-curdling scream which can still be heard over the next scene:

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY

Pan and cut to:

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Johnny Ball struggling with Siddor. They continue to struggle in this manner for a long time. The fight is to be chorreographed by Jackie Chan.

Throughout, the corpse of Bad Influence lies in shot, and is a constant obstacle for the two adversaries.

In the back-ground, Fred Harris can be seen crawling to the door. As the fight gets really brutal, he makes his escape. The door zjungs open.

Johnny turns and gives an open-ended expression in Fred's direction. Fred gives a seemingly equally uninterpretable glance back. Then he turns and leaves.

Johnny is struck by a blow from Siddor, and mysteriously, his clothes fall to the floor in a crumpled heap of cotton and nylon.

Johnny stands. Embarressed and naked. He leaps up into the air, and out of the top of the frame.
We see his feet flaying. He is clearly clinging to something up in the roofing.

Siddor recieves several kicks to the mask, and shudders from side to side accordingly.

Cut to Johnny spinning around a metal cross beam in the roofing, tearing at bits of roofing felt with one hand whilst clinging to the bar with the other.

In a whirl, he sews together a black robe, and re-clothes himself. Still spinning, he leaps off and falls into Siddor, sending the gas-masked one flying into the wall.

Meanwhile:

INT - SPACE-SHIP

Leon paces up and down on a gantry. He addresses a SELECTION OF BOUNTY HUNTERS.
One of them is wearing a suit of armour with an over-sized lipstick stuck to the back.

the suit of armour man lifts his viser revealing his true identity as STAN (Fred Ward), the gumshoe.

Cut back to:

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY

The Evil Fred Harris chuckles nastily.
Suddenly, the monitor flickers and dies.
Stew, Jim, Rod, Jane & Alex momentarily snap out of their trance.
The Evil Fred Harris moves the mouse and the monitor comes back to life.
Once again our heroes are entranced.

Meanwhile:

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Siddor struggles, trapped between the radiator and Johnny Ball. He flays about, scratching at Johnny's face.
Johnny whinces and falls back.
Now Siddor is in the dominant position. He rises to his full height and looms towards the ageing maths god.
Johnny backs away, tripping over Bad Influences corpse, and knocking himself unconscious on the floor.
Dramatic music rises to a crescendo. Siddor looms above the camera.

Cross fade to:

INT - TERMINAL ROOM - DAY

Stew ratters into the keyboard:
Fade to Black, closing titles.
At this point, Stew looks up from his UNIX terminal monitor and
cracks his knuckles.
The room is empty but for five others:
Three are extras.
One is KAREN,
and another is ALAN.
Alan walks over, grinning.

Alan leaves.
A message flashes on the e-mail. It is from Leon.
It reads:
I knew there'd be a bloody CD sale in Vanbrugh. I don't know whether I dreamt it. Shit as usual I suppose.

Stew presses D, then flushes his Inbox.
He logs out and leaves the terminal room.

EXT - WALMGATE STRAY - MORNING

He walks across a long dark impossible field.
At the end he finds a wall.
There is a door in the wall.
He opens the door.
It leads to:

INT - LARGE PRACTICE ROOM - CONT.

Inside the room, GUS (Bill Bailey), a hirsuit percussionist, assembles some sort of mechanical device from wing-nuts and other assorted parts.

On entering the room, a thunderous noise is suddenly apparent. The noise comes from GORDON (Russell Senior), a gaunt man with artificially coloured hair.
Gordon is playing the electric sitar. He renders solos from Radiohead that are capable of tearing apart the very matter of the brain. In a nice way.

Stew walks to the far corner, moves a curtain and reveals a pre-prepared bass and amp. He plays Another Brick in the Wall pt2 as usual.

Meanwhile, Gordon is messing with various knobs and switches, trying to get something to work.
By this point, Gus has manufactured something almost remotely like a scaffold. He continues his building.

Enter CAROLINE (Heather Nova), an attractive woman in slightly bohemian attire. She carries a KORG under her arm. A Korg is a type of dangerous animal.
She struggles with it. It gnashes its teeth. She taps it on the nose. It obeys.
She puts it on the floor and it scurries into a small room at the back where there is a fridge. The fridge doesn't work.

People reply accordingly.
She sits at a large piano that has appeared to the left of Gus's construction. The construction is slowly taking on the form of the Blackpool tower.
There is a short period of noise-making, after-which CRAIG (Tom Cruise), ROD and BERLIN enter. All three characters are dressed in their usual attire, but Berlin no longer has an outrageous lisp.

Responses accordingly.

The construction atop which sits Gus can now clearly be identified as a drum-kit. But the cymbals are made of papier masche and the drums out of tins and pans.

Everybody looks at everyone else, expectantly.

Rod is wandering aimlessly round the room trying hard to look as if he's doing something. Berlin is scrawling his actions onto a blackboard.

Gordon starts ad libbing. Caroline and Gus tilt their heads.

Berlin stops. Freezes. Looks around. She has the expression of a deer midway between hearing a gun and getting a bullet in the hind quarter.
She turns her head.

She gets a guitar.
Rod hides behind the blackboard, hoping no-one will notice him.

Stew throws him a paper aeroplane which he unfolds. On it are some cryptic letters.

Gordon takes from his pocket an excitingly holey piece of card, which when placed over the sheet of paper reveals the actual structure of a song.
He kicks his pre-amp a few times and his instrument makes interesting noises.

Craig steps out for a short while. The rest of the band look at each other, then suddenly they kick into a piece of scary music.
Berlin sings into a microphone but no vocals are heard.

Pan around the room a bit, then crane up, for the room is tall.

On a gantry some distance above them, Johnny Ball battles it out with the evil Siddor, for this room is within the Evil Castle.

The dramatic music continues over the action in a suitable manner.

Johnny falls and stumbles backwards, tripped by the corpse of Bad Influence.
Siddor looms up over him. He raises a gauntleted hand and using un-natural forces, he reaches to his utility belt and draws from it a bicycle pump.
The bicycle pump extends in the appropriately dramatic manner, and as he wields it, sparky, whizzy noises are exuded.

POV of Siddor as Johnny Ball looks on in terror.
POV of Johnny as the bike-pump zjungs in a figure of eight at the hands of the evil Siddor.
Much use of light and shadow as Siddor raises the pump high above his head, ready to bring it crashing down through the old maths-diva's skull.

Tense music rises to a head, when all of a sudden, a strange man enters from the door behind them.
He is called FRIDGE (Tim Roth) because that's where he keeps his sandwiches.

The adversaries turn and look at him gone out.

He grabs the bike pump.

He walks to the railing and peers down to the musicians.
Craig enters, looks up, sees Fridge and leaves again.

He runs off and down the stairs. Pythonesque shot from above, exploiting the wonders of repetition.
He finally reaches the bottom where we see him run across between the band, and into the back room with the fridge.
In the back room, he kneels before the fridge, holding his sandwiches to his chest and sobbing.
Pull well out and exploit movingly emotive music to full potential.
Perhaps have a distant 360 round the blubbering wreck of a man.

The band look on and shrug it off. They continue their performance.
As they play, Johnny Ball plummets into shot from somewhere high up above, landing in a pile of pre-amps.
He bounces up KungFu style, and runs out of the door.
Shot of Siddor turning his head.
Long shot of Siddor running down gantry, then leaping over railing and down to where the band are playing.
They have opted now for chase-scene funk; a genre in itself.

INT - WENTWORTH COLLEGE CORRIDOR - CONT.

Johnny runs up a sloping corridor. As he rounds the corner, passing Craig, Siddor can be seen entering the corridor back in the distance.
Wha-acka-whak-whackaka-etc.

EXT - WENTWORTH CAR PARK etc - EARLY MORNING

Johnny is outside now, and he skids down a grass verge and into a car-park. Siddor can be seen exiting the building.
Johnny runs across the tarmac but is forced to a halt by a passing car. Obligatory chase-scene handling of bonnet by Johnny. He rounds the car and runs on.

Siddor, for no discernable reason, chooses to bounce across the cars from roof to roof.

Johnny looks back. He nearly trips over the kerb, and he's back on grass.
There is a tearing noise. Shot of Siddor struggling free of a soft-topped car.

Johnny charges through some bushes and inadvertantly falls into a big ditch.

He pulls himself out and flops pathetically over a barbed wire fence.

EXT - WALMGATE STRAY / ALLOTMENTS - CONT.

Rolling in cow shit, he picks himself up and picks his way across the stray.
A cloud passes over the sun and it is suddenly night-time, complete with eerie moon. There are no stars. Except Johnny Ball. And one or two celebrity cows.

Siddor leaps the bushes, the ditch, and the fence with super-human skill.
But slips on a cowpat as he lands.

The chase continues over the dangerous terrain of the stray.
Rabbit holes and other chasms cut their way across the ground and all are obscured by a dense mist that goes up as far as your thigh.

Exciting tracking shots and eerier music to make the most of this setting.

Johnny Ball reaches a stile and Chans over it gracefully before making the alotment run.
Siddor is in hot persuit.

Bits of vegetable fly in all directions as Siddor makes use of an arm-mounted laser cannon which he is now close enough to his target to use.
He is, like all baddies, an attrocious shot.

Johnny sees that Siddor is almost onto him and so locks himself in a nearby shed.

INT - SHED - NIGHT

He breathes heavily.
The sound of his breathing is drowned out by the noise of Siddor's respirator, as the gasmasked one peers through the shed window.

Johnny looks around for something he might be able to use. He sees a huge silver lever with a large red knob on the end. He pulls it.
Through the window he sees Siddor fall out of view. Johnny edges towards it and peers outside.
All the ground has gone.
Johnny opens the shed door and peers down.

EXT - SHED - NIGHT

Distant shot of the night sky. At the centre of the shot is a rather unstable looking pillar of earth several miles high, atop which is the shed.
In the door is a somewhat confused looking Johnny Ball.

INT - SHED - NIGHT

He shuts the door and pulls the lever back up.
Siddor's face reappears in the window.
Johnny wiggles the lever up and down.
Siddor rises and falls in unison.
Johnny leaves the lever in the down position such that the window is sans Siddor.
He sits down in the centre of the shed and ponders.

EXT - SHED - NIGHT

Shot from outside again. Shed on the pillar. Eventually, the door opens.
Johnny tentatively backs out, and gently rolls down past the pillar, on a revolving hosepipe wheel.

DEEP HOLE - CONT.

Johnny abseils and the camera follows him. The parallel lines of the hose and the column of earth get quite entrancing.
Suddenly, the hose runs out, and it flies off the end of the metal canister.
Johnny Ball gains velocity and the column of earth blurs.
We stay with this for a short while.
Fade to black.

Fade up on Johnny still falling.
Fade to black again after a while.

Fade back up on it.
Shot up the column where a distant moon illuminates the distant shed.
Shot down showing the column tapering away into the black mass of nothingness.
Shot of Johnny's panic stricken expression.
Long shot of him falling.

CU of Johnny, thinking.
He gropes in the direction of the column. A large section of it winds slowly in the direction of his fingers.
There is blood and scraping, but slowly Johnny is slowed down by this brutal friction, his fingers digging deep into the dirt.
He brings his legs in too so as to stop himself being thrown out through momentum.
Gradually he comes grinding to a halt.

Long shot of a very small Johnny clinging foetally to the immensely tall column.
Johnny's POV as he surveys the column.

On the column is a small window such as might be built by a character from Wind in the Willows, if they happened to live in an infinite column of earth.
In the window, at the other side of the pane is a vase with two wilting flowers in.
Johnny smashes the window with his head and tries to clamber through.
But the window is very small, and, clinging as best he can with the holes he has dug into the earth, he digs out a Johnny Ball size apperture around the window.

INT - TROLL BATHROOM - CONT.

Reverse angle as Johnny squeezes through into a tiny little bathroom. There is distant humming.
Johnny stoops in the small room and edges towards a tiny little door.
He opens the door, and walks out into:

INT - SMALL HALLWAY

At the far end is another tiny little room:

INT - TROLL KITCHEN

In it potters a tiny little troll (voice of Ben Kinglsey). The troll is humming happily to himself.

As he turns around, he catches a glimpse of Johnny, double takes and drops a piece of crockery which fractures on the floor.
The little troll steps back. He still hums. But is clearly scared.
Johnny raises a hand.

Troll screws his eyes up and opens them again. He is dissapointed.

Johnny jumps back, somewhat startled and bangs his head on the ceiling with such force as to render him unconscious.
Fade to black.

Fade back up.

INT  - TROLL BEDROOM - DAY

Johnny's POV: laid on a bed facing up at a mud built ceiling. A tiny troll pokes his head over the camera and jabs at it.

Side angle of the troll jabbing Johnny's nose. Johnny gently pats the troll's arm away.

Troll tilts his head, quizically, like a dog might.

Johnny rubs his tummy and makes a satisfied gasp of air.

Johnny offers the troll a highland toffee bar from his pocket.
Troll snaps it off him and puts it in his mouth. He chews satisfyingly.

Troll sticks out five fingers.

Johnny fishes out five more bars. The troll stuffs his mouth with them.
The troll then tries to speak but the Highland toffee prevents this action.

He mimes aswell.

The troll mimmicks him and nods eagerly.

The troll leaps up, swallowing hard. The ball of toffee visably passes down his neck.

He simultaneously makes a follow motion and then scurries off down a passage.

INT - TROLL PASSAGEWAY AND BEYOND

Johnny crawls after him.
The troll opens a door. Outside is darkness.
Johnny peers out.
Shot of column of earth etc...
Troll looks at Johnny, then flicks a lightswitch.
The longshot is slowly illuminated, in the manner of strip-lighting.
Surrounding the column is a deep yet small gap, about four foot wide, and beyond that is a beautiful forrest, firmly anchored into ground.
Johnny thanks the troll, and leaps across to the other side of the chasm.
He turns and waves. The troll turns and shuts the door.

OMRA (Matthew Perry) materialises in his ghostly form.

Melt evocatively to

EXT - FOREST / VALLEY - MORNING

Johnny cutting his way through the forest. It is a lovely sunny day, but the grass is moist with dew and the birds are so loud as to drown out the incidental music.
The trees are scarily arranged in rows, like modern pine plantations. Deer scurry around in the shadows.

Johnny is quite tired now. He is struggling to keep moving. But move he must.

Suddenly there is a clattering in the trees. He looks behind him. A strange kite contraption is gliding through the canopy, and sat upon it is the evil Siddor.
Johnny staggers onwards.
The glider crashes through and Siddor jumps off, landing on a deer and manouvering it into persuit.

Johnny jumps a ravine. The deer halts at it and starts drinking.
Siddor kicks his heels but the deer doesn not budge. Johnny is disappearing into the distant valley beyond.
Siddor throws a hat to the ground, leaps off the deer and stamps a bit.
Then he runs at the ravine, leaps and falls over at the other side. Picks himself up and runs on...

Meanwhile, Johnny drags himself up the limestone valley.
He turns. The tiny form of Siddor is visable in the distance.
Johnny drags himself to the top.

EXT - GREEN FIELD - CONT.

There, across a long green field he can see Chocabloc.
Completely knackered, he crawls painfully through the field. Siddor is halfway up the valley.
Shot from...

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - CONT.

...looking across field, showing Johnny collapsing some way away, and the gauntleted hand of Siddor looming from the valley horizon.

The evil Fred Harris looks on, smiling, evily.

Stew, Rod, Alex, Jim, Leon and Jane are sat before him, chanting "Um tiddle tiddle um tiddle tiddle um tiddle tiddle bong"

Long shot of field as, in the distance, and soundless, Siddor looms over the catatonic form of Johnny.
Shot of Evil Fred laughing.

Long shot POV thing from evil Fred, as Siddor beats Johnny with a big stick or something. Hard to make out... very far away.

Evil Fred is in hysterics when a chain moves in around his kneck and he is garrotted.
Evil Fred's deceased form slumps down and out of shot. Behind where he stood stands Good Fred Harris.

Good Fred leaps across to the computer and types something into the keyboard.
This is what he types:
http://www.avwoman.co.uk
The monitor fizzles and the previous image is replaced by a picture of Mr Chips from the TV quiz show Catchphrase.

The computer opens up to reveal Gatherer's Moon, an intriguing musical collective.

Gus performs a solo.

The pink floyd drummer revs the engine.

Caroline gives us a charming flourish.

Berlin and Yoni take the mics.

Stew plays down the A chord.

They wield their instruments with glee.

Bongos et al, then Gus fills spectacularly.
Roy W. watches on as Berlin begins to sing:

Gus hammers pationately on the skins.

Roy W. walks off, humming that song and generally feeling very happy.

He walks to the back of Chocabloc and shows them a door.

But as he speaks, he is stabbed through the throat by the evil Siddor.
Fred crumples to the floor in a dead and bloody heap.
Siddor looks up at our heroes and smiles from behind his mask.