Interview with John Craven and the Angels of Death. February 1980.

Evan Paris catches up with Craven and his new band in Llandudno.

EP - Ok. Can I just get your names for the tape?
JC - John Craven.
NE - Noel Edmonds.
KC - Keith Chegwin.
MP - Um?
NE - Name.
MP - Maggie Philbin.
EP - Haven't I seen you two before?
KC - What?
EP - You're the spitting image of Petra and Dewi from Dirywio.
MP - Get away.
EP - You aren't them then?
KC - Fuck off.
EP - You weren't in Dirywio?
MP - What's he talking about?
JC - He's deluded.
EP - You do look a lot like them...
NE - Who's Dirywio?
JC - They were a band.
EP - You definitely weren't in Dirywio?
KC - If he keeps going on about fucking Dirywio I'm going to bite his fucking nose off.
JC - He will aswell, Ev. I'd move on if I were you.
EP - Right.
JC - Did you like the gig?
EP - It was alright.
MP - Alright?!
EP - It was great. Fantastic. Best gig I've ever seen.
KC - You being funny?
EP - It was good.
MP - Honest?
EP - Honest.
KC - Lying fuck.
EP - So how did you all meet?
JC - I met Noel when he were in Pink Floyd. I used to play his keyboard parts for him.
NE - That's right. But I can play them myself now.
JC - So he's moonlighting for me on the sly. Pink Floyd'll never notice.
EP - What about you two?
MP - We sell him cheap drugs in exchange for him letting us in the band.
EP - Sounds like a good deal.
JC - It is.
EP - Isn't it a coincidence how you all have the same names as people on Swap Shop...
KC - We are the people on Swap Shop.
NE - Apart from Steve Hillage.
EP - Where is Steve?
JC - He had to rush off. He's got another tour to attend to.
EP - I see. But you're not the same John Craven that's on Swap Shop.
JC - Am I not?
EP - No.
KC - Are you starting something?
EP - No?
KC - Good.
EP - It's just none of you look like the people on Swap Shop.
MP - That's television for you...
EP - And you all seem to have different personalities.
NE - Well we have to clean it up for kids TV.
EP - Right. Um.
JC - It's all true. This is how we let off steam at night.
EP - Right. I never knew. Where's Poshpaws?
MP - Poshpaws is a stuffed toy.
EP - Right.
JC - Did you like the set?
EP - Er, yes. It was good to hear some of the old tracks live again.
JC - Yes.
EP - And I liked what you did with West Coast Resort. Cutting it down to the first and last verses.
JC - I feel it does an even better job at illustrating the utter uselessness of human endeavour.
EP - It certainly does that.
MP - Is that a new jacket?
EP - Yes it is.
MP - It's shit.
EP - Right. Yes.
MP - You're not supposed to say yes.
EP - Oh. Sorry.
MP - I don't like your attitude. I think you're soft.
KC - He needs a good kicking.
EP - I think it's the kickings that made me so soft and pathetic in the first place.
KC - You obviously weren't kicked hard enough.
EP - Obviously not. I'll have to put in some self flagellation tonight.
NE - I'm sure we could save you the effort.
EP - Riight. So, is there any new material in the pipe-line, only I noticed there wasn't any in the set...
KC - You got a problem with that?
EP - No, no... Just curious.
MP - Curiosity killed the music-journalist.
EP - Are you sure that's right?
MP - Are you questioning me?
EP - No.
MP - What sort of crap interviewer are you?
EP - Well, I mean, obviously I...
MP - You're just shit.
EP - Yes. Yes I am.
JC - Me and Steve are going to start working on a new album soon.
EP - Oh right. What about this lot?
NE - Does he mean us?
EP - Yes.
JC - They don't know how to write.
EP - Oh.
JC - They just play.
NE - Otherwise he beats us.
MP - Which is quite nice really.
JC - Yeah, I'm going to have to find some other way of keeping them disciplined cos that's not really working.
NE - Roger Waters beats me all the time.
JC - See. Any ideas?
EP - You could give them money...
JC - I tried that. They just eat it.
EP - Oh dear.
JC - Hmm.
<at this point Keith starts licking Evan's shoes>
EP - Um... What are you doing?
KC - Licking your shoes. You got a problem with that?
EP - Well, no. Not really.
MP - Fucking weirdo. I'd kick him in the face if he tried it on me.
EP - Well, they need a bit of a clean.
<Kieth gobs on Evan's left foot then gets up and goes to the corner of the room>
EP - I'd rather you hadn't done that.
KC - Screw you.
EP - Um.
JC - Nice lot, aren't they.
EP - Lovely.
KC - Cretin.
MP - He's not a cretin. He's lovely.
<she starts hugging Evan and stroking him>
MP - He's my boyfriend.
EP - I think my wife might object to that.
MP - I'll kill the slag if she does.
<she starts stroking his balls>
EP - Um. Can you not do that please.
MP - He's not soft after all... are you, honey?
<she squeezes before breaking away and walking over to Keith>
EP - Ow.
JC - That wasn't very nice, Maggie.
MP - Wasn't it?
JC - No.
MP - I enjoyed it.
NE - So did I.
MP - That's two to one.
KC - I enjoyed it too.
MP - There we go then. Democracy in action.
EP - I see. Are all your interviews like this?
KC - I can't feel my cock.
NE - That's my cock...
MP - You don't have a cock.
EP - Well I think I'm going to go now.
JC - Really? So soon?
EP - I have to get this written up for the morning.
JC - I'm sorry to hear that.
NE - What's this?
EP - It's my tape recorder.
NE - Can I have a look at it?
EP - No. Hey!
NE - What's it do?
EP - I'd rather you didn't touc...

Evan Paris's column will return in the Spring.