| So, to Latvia for the last
Eurovision Song Contest to be untainted by semi-finals. In the UK, this
contest will likely be remembered as the one where our nation scored
nul points. As a tonal exercise Jemini's performance is a masterpiece:
if not Stravinsky then at least Satie. Either they have a real talent
or the Latvian sound engineer does. It's amazingly well done. Alas,
Europe has little taste for discordant harmony so Jemini's ability to
consistently sing a semi-tone away from the backing track was not given
the
appreciation it deserved. One has to feel sorry for them really. From
the first line one can see concern in the eyes of Gemma, the female
half of the duo. One suspects that had they done a Spain and acted
confused, the monitor problem would've been fixed and the song could've
started again. Alas, they're well-drilled Professionals: the Show had
to Go On! There's consequently something fascinatingly Pavlovian in the
performance. At the other end of the scoreboard came Turkey (their refusal to being used as a military corridor to Iraq doubtless playing no part at all in their success (Poland came 7th despite their participatory role in the invasion)). Turkey were Turkey: they gave us a deeply grooved chunk of delightfully sassy harem hip-hop pop-dance (like an Islamic Destiny's Child). It comes complete with a rap section during which our singer (who looks like Juliet Landau in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" vampire make-up) sounds like she comes from Luton. She's not in the finest of voice, but she's far from Jemini, and her gusto (and tit-jiggling) more than makes up for her shaky high notes. She's wearing a curious corset that looks like something a paratrooper might use, and this serves as an anchor for four large pink ribbons which the backing dancers (at first being fought off by our vocalist) eventually grab and employ in some sort of sadistic human May Pole dance. This assembly is later discarded, though not to any great revelatory end. A deceptively quiet start for the Bosnian entry explodes rather brashly into... well... "Sex Bomb". It's a fairly shameless tribute, animatedly delivered (except for the male backing vocalists who remain arms-folded and motionless until the last bar). Germany gave a less aggressive but equally explosive performance. It's a German entry, and we've given it a lot of points, which implies a certain something: yes, boys and girls, Ralph Siegel is back in town! Our vocalist, Lou, is a woman no longer in the flower of her youth, but she doesn't let that get in her way. Resplendent in Muppet-Orange hair, she tells us about her antics "last night in the discotheque", and with the help of some young (and colourfully dressed) friends she met there she suggests that we get "happy" and "gay" to a pounding, uplifting night-club beat. The music is a perfect match for the title, never failing to raise a smile and a tapping toe. It's joyously decorated with little flourishes, descending minor chord sections, and chanted backing vocals. It's a perfectly formed little anthem. A new star shines in our scoreboard tonight: the Ukraine's arrival on planet Eurovision (to a backdrop of animated rockets and accompanied by a gymnast on a turntable) is heralded by a man with a voice like liquid chalk performing a piano-led rock-ballad: sort of the Ukrainian Morrissey singing Queen. "Hasta la vista, baby / baby, so long" he screeches by way of a chorus. The Ukraine have arrived, and they really care. It's quite something. For each year's songs we apply our points in the 12-10-8 style of the modern contest, irrespective of how the voting functioned at the time. In brackets is the position the song came on the night:
Europe had Belgium second, Russia third, Norway fourth, Sweden fifth, Poland seventh, Iceland and Spain joint-eighth, Romania tenth, Ireland joint-eleventh, the Netherlands 13th, Greece 17th, France 18th, Israel 19th, Estonia 21st, Portugal 22nd, and Malta 25th. |
 Ukraine arrive and we give them 12pts.  Angry Woman #1: Turkey being Turkey.  Angry Woman #2: Sex bomber Mija Martina.  Angry Woman #3: Jemini's closing pose.  "Let's Get Happy and let's be gay".
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