Hello, Denmark. We really loved the show and would like to go to bed with you all. Here are the votes of the AView jury, as chosen by some drunken people and recorded on the night of the contest:

Netherlands 8pts
Michelle - Out on My Own
All About Eve. Crap All About Eve. Three women sat on the floor. No obvious key change.

Iceland 0pts
Two Tricky- Angel
God-awful 80s pop. Male vocals. Foul harmonies. Nasty, sliding synth effects sweeping about the place. Key change. Could be Rick Astley or someone.

Bosnia Hertzegovina 7pts
Nino - Hano
Bon Jovi intro. In foreign. Moody. Fizzy synth. Turkish feel. Now in English. Early 90s moody dance feel. Would be better if it did something else now.

Norway 4pts
Haldor Lægreid - On my own
Scary blond man sings. Smiley pianist and woman. Other backing vocalists too. 80s ballad, with Eurovisual minor twist. Bumpy strings. Mad staring eyes. He scares me. Queen-like key change. Break-down and screams. Stop him now before he kills someone!

Israel 3pts
Tal Sondak - Ein Davar
In foreign, with Jewish strum and a funky beat. Good jewish chorus. A snatch of phasing wahwah guitar. Skin-headed woman. Extra points for jewishness in an israeli entry?

Russia 10pts
Mumiy Troll - Lady Alpine Blue
Band. Wow. Original voice. Grabby guitar. As I predicted, an interesting entry. Wear ties on their hips, the crazy fools! Extra marks for daring and actual believability.

Sweden 2pts
Friends - Listen to your heartbeat
Abba, with a twist of 80s chick-rock. Going for the whole Abba thing. Popular, you know... I'm sure this was their entry the other year... The one that won... the one we gave 12 points to. This isn't worth 12 points though. There was probably a key change in there somewhere.

Lithuania 0pts
Skamp - You got style
70s funk-pop of the early 90s variety. + wigs. Chartable. Nasty harmonies. I'm sure it's probably hilariously post-modern. "He raps in Lithuanian" reads the subtitle. Cheapskates.

Latvia 0pts
Arnis Mednis - Too much
Irish. Like techno Waterboys. Dancey (early 90s) middle bit. This year's Dodgy Lyrics prizewinner.

Croatia 6pts
Vanna - Strings of my heart
That popular keyboard voice. Violin solo. Sequencer. Synth bass. Euro-pop gay anthem. Very 70s/90s. Like a Vanessa Mae number. Not enough substance for a gay anthem really. Some odd key change down affair... something from the 12" mix.

Portugal 0pts
MTM - Só sei ser feliz assim
80s piano ballad in foreign. Horridly over-prominent tacky beat. Very 80s. Wah wah effect is particularly nasty. Ew. Key change. Humerous arse-bashing choreography.

Ireland 0pts
Gary O'Shaughnessy - Without your love
80s ballad hallmarks. Plus 80s ballad voice. Ye gods. Really a rather bad voice. They clearly don't want to win ever again yadda yadda yadda (it's getting a bit stale now, that line). But 80s ballads are popular, aren't they? Look at Radio 2. I'm going to be harsh on this.

Ad beak. "Humerous" trophy juggling. Terry ignores this.

Spain 0pts
David Civera - Dile que la quiero
Robbie Williams? No. A spanish song in all directions. This sort of thing is popular isn't it? La Vida Loca and all that? I'm losing my purchase on Eurovision scoring now.

France 0pts
Natasha St-Pier - Je n'ai que mon âme
In French, of course. Not doing much yet, is it... A Celine Dion song? Change now. Enter the big sound for power ballad coverage. Key change and English. Celine Dion indeed. Please end.

Turkey 1pt
Sedat Yüce - Sevgiliye Son
When you wish upon a star... in Turkish. Sounds like the melencholy climax to a musical. ooh. Gone really rather dramatic, and ever so slightly turkish and classical. And return. Lacking structural integrity, I feel. Interesting.

United Kingdom 5pts
Lindsay Dracass - No Dream Impossible
90s power ballad intro. Sequenced strings. Got a good beat. Different chord progression. Going for the Eastern European vote. Turntables on stage. Not sure why. She can't sing. Awful end of chorus. Rap. Could be better. Could be worse. Ditch the singer. Tel says "she got the note", which kind of sums it up.

Slovenia 12pts
Nuša Derenda - Energy
Leather. Dance anthem, with good electric guitar, synths and sequencers. Got a good beat (again). Pulp should do this contest. No one would care if they lost. Ooh, bullet. Dramatic piano solo. Best one so far is this. Two pianists.

Poland 0pts
Piasek - 2 Long
Large backing vocals. Funny looking man in a goat. It's coat, not goat. Sorry. Mid 80s, swingy pop. Katrina and the Waves cound do better, and indeed did. Clearly meant to fade out.

Germany 0pts
Michelle (a different one) - Wer Liebe Lebt
80s ballad (again). In German. That keyboard will wear out soon with the use it's been getting this year. Get your lighters out, children, it's time to set fire to the building. A trend is emerging.

Estonia 0pts
Tanel Padar, Dave Benton & 2XL - Everybody
70s / 80s funky pop number. Get down on the disco floor, ladies. In ten years, Eurovision will be full of indie music. No.

Malta 0pts
Fabrizio Faniello - another summer night
Bad dance song, of the pop variety. Steps spring to mind. I'm going to get a drink or I'll be sick. From the kitchen I hear a key change. Elaborate dancing.

Greece 0pts
Antique - Die for you
With the flat chest and over-the-top hair of a transvestite. Rather dull tune, with added bazouki (playing dull western guitar noises). Uninteresting. Old-fashioned key change.

Denmark 0pts
Rollo & King - Never ever let you go
Eek. Harmonica. Remember the Bluebells? These do. Ooh. A Woman who can't sing. Ukelele gains extra point.  Clap now, everyone. Eurovision is in that song's blood.

Now Aqua do some songs, and it becomes clear that Slovenia's entry was better than them.

POLITICS

Dave Benton became the first (and to date only) black person to have won the contest. The telephone vote officially became compulsory for all competing nations, although in practice this rule was wavered. A subtle tweak of the qualification rules would see the top 15 of each contest join the Big Four automatically the following year. The Swedish entry was accused of ripping off the Belgian entry from 1996. The BBC was apparently forced to issue an apology to the Danish hosts who Wogan described as "Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy". The presenters delivered their much of their commentary in rhyming couplets.

For each year's songs we apply our points in the 12-10-8 style of the modern contest, irrespective of how the voting functioned at the time. In brackets is the position the song came on the night:

HERE ARE THE VOTINGS OF THE AVIEW JURY:

12pts (7th)	SLO	Nuša Derenda "Energy"
10pts (12th)	RUS	Mumiy Troll "Lady Alpine Blue"
8pts (=18th)	NED	Michelle "Out On My Own"
7pts (14th)	BIH	Nino Pršeš "Hano"
6pts (10th)	CRO	Vanna "Strings of My Heart"
5pts (15th)	GBR	Lindsay Dracass "No Dream Impossible"
4pts (=22nd)	NOR	Haldor Lægreid "On My Own"
3pts (16th)	ISR	Tal Sondak "En Davar" (אין דבר)
2pts (54th)	SWE	Friends "Listen To Your Heartbeat"
1pt (11th)	TUR	Sedat Yüce "Sevgiliye Son"

Europe chose Estonia as their winner this year, with Denmark second, Greece third, France fourth, Spain sixth, Germany eighth, Malta ninth, Lithuania 13th, Portugal 17th, Latvia joint-18th, Poland 20th, Ireland 21st and Iceland joint-last.