Ivan Methuselah's Christmas Box
~ Ho ho and thrice ho. ~

How to Use this Guide:

Each day is presented in a different colour for easy identification.

Boxed entries are those programmed by Ivan for your delectation.

Side-stripes indicate the varieties of broadcasting: analogue TV, analogue radio, and digital. They also indicate the length of a programme.

There are none of the restrictions of the Ration Book, so occasionally there are clashes of programming, which you alone must negotiate. Ivan has left suggested trails through the multichannel jungle, but it is up to you to select the best path.

Ivan also proffers hammocking programming for the habitually prone. This allows you to stay in front of your telly for all your waking hours. Ivan takes no responsibility for any ill health caused through this lack of lifestyle.

Tinted entries represent Ivan's "line of best fit" through the Christmas period: the route that will take in the most of the best programming, though not necessarily at the most convenient times. Duplication is kept to a minimum.

Where applicable, films are scored out of 5. Only films scoring 3 or more points are (obligatorily) entered into the grid.

Now trace your route through the Christmas schedules and enjoy. 

Happy Viewing.

Thu 23rd / Fri 24th / Sat 25th / Sun 26th / Mon 27th / Tue 28th


Today
BBC Radio 4; Thursday 23rd; 0600-0900
John and Jim.

In Our Time
Ep.1/2
BBC Radio 4; Thursday 23rd; 0900-0945
Wigton, 1780, and the Baron takes delivery of the town's first steam-engine for to power his mighty bouffant. So began the Industrial Revolution. Nothing in Wigton would ever be the same again. Concludes next week.

Shortened repeat, 2130-2200.
   

The end of Horrible Histories on CBBC takes us up to 1000.
DAYTIME ON RADIO FIVE:

Victoria Derbyshire
BBC Radio 5 Live; Thursday 23rd; 1000-1200

Gabby Logan
BBC Radio 5 Live; Thursday 23rd; 1200-1400

Thursday Opera Matinée
Bizet: Carmen
BBC Radio 3; Thursday 23rd; 1400-1700
One we can all sing along to.

Drive
BBC Radio 5 Live; Thursday 23rd; (1600)-1700-1900
Peter and Aasmah tell it like it is.


Channel 4 News gets us to 1955, then we can nip to the lav before:

THURSDAY EVENING ON BBC 4:

The Andy Williams Christmas Show
BBC 4; Thursday 23rd; 2000-2030
Alas, not a proper show, just a compendium of highlights.

The Beauty of Diagrams
 Ep.6/6: Pioneer Plaque
BBC 4; Thursday 23rd; 2030-2100
The design of the Pioneer 10 plaque.

QI XL on Dave gets us to 2200 when we can listen to The World Tonight on R4. It is now 1045.

A CHOICE OF VIEWING

Switch to the World Service for the last fifteen minutes of The Strand and the first half an hour of World Today.
 FILM: The Conversation
Francis Ford Coppola, 1974; 3pta
Film4; Thursday 23rd; 2250-0100
Surprisingly decent film wherein Gene Hackman gets paranoid.

The Goodies
 Series 5, Ep.7: Kung Fu Kapers
BBC 2; Thursday 23rd; 2330-0000
In 1975 somebody died laughing at this episode. Perhaps it will kill you too. Or perhaps not.

Get some supper.
If you want to watch Lantana without taking in To Kill a Mockingbird, you can listen to Late Junction on R3, then join the right column for American Dad! →
Otherwise:

FILM: To Kill a Mockingbird
 Robert Mulligan, 1962
ITV 3; Friday 24th; 0010-0230
Literary adaptation starring Gregory Peck.












Be ready with the remote and hope the ads fall in your favour so that you can skip to:

Watch American Dad! on B3, then:

FILM: Lantana
Ray Lawrence, 2001
Channel 4; Friday 24th; 0125-0325
Acclaimed Australian thriller.

FILM: Lantana
Ray Lawrence, 2001
Channel 4+1; Friday 24th; 0225-0425
Acclaimed Australian thriller.

Stick around for Boy on a Dolphin if you fancy a bit of early-morning Sophia Loren, otherwise make some breakfast then watch the final part of The Normans being repeated on B1 (0335-0435).

Eke out the rest of the morning with BBC News.
Today
BBC Radio 4; Friday 24th; 0600-0900
John and Jim are joined by the Pope.
  
 
 Horrible Histories is on B1, with more on CBBC at 0935. At 1000 there's The Simpsons on C4, and at 1030 we can listen to Science in Action on the World Service, followed by World Briefing. Break away from this at 1130 for:

FILM: Suspicion
Alfred Hitchcock, 1941; 2pts
BBC 2; Friday 24th; 1130-1305
Cary Grant stars as the perfecter of the nuclear dairy. Joan Fontaine has her doubts.
Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert
Chopin: 12 Etudes
BBC Radio 3; Friday 24th; 1300-1400
We'll miss the first five minutes or so, but it'll just be Katie Derham rabbiting on about keys. She's always forgetting where she put them.

A CULTURAL CHOICE
CHRISTMAS EVE AFTERNOON ON R5

Kermode and Mayo's Film Review
BBC Radio 5 Live; Friday 24th; 1400-1600
Kermode and Mayo's Film Review is recorded in-front of a live studio audience.

Drive
BBC Radio 5 Live; Friday 24th; 1600-1800
Justine Greene and Chris Warburton provide Christmas Eve cover.

It Takes Two -
How the Coalition Was Born
BBC Radio 5 Live; Friday 24th; 1800-1900
Peter Allen hosts a discussion about the formation of the current coalition government.
 Listen to the first three quarters of Newshour on the World Service. Then:
Mozart's Don Giovanni from Glyndebourne
BBC 2; Friday 24th; 1445-1745
A bit of sex and violence to sink our teeth into.


← When it's all over, join the last 15' of Drive, and all that follows.


Looks like the best we can really hope for is Shanties and Sea Songs with Gareth Malone on B4, followed by Marley Was Dead, a reworking of A Christmas Carol on R4.

Whistle and I'll Come to You
BBC 2; Friday 24th; 2100-2155
Some commissioner at the BBC wastes a few bob on a needless remake of this annually reliable MR James standard. However, it's starring John Hurt, and Alison Graham's slagged it off a bit, so maybe it'll be ok after all. It kills an hour at least. Well... 55'.
Take five minutes to get some supper, then listen to Composer of the Week on R3.

Great Lives
Ep.3/9 (repeat)
BBC Radio 4; Friday 24th; 2300-2330
Destroyer of Independent Television and self-made John-Harvey-Jones-alike, Gerry Robinson, invokes a biographical discussion of Samuel Beckett. Matthew Parris presents.

World on 3
BBC Radio 3; Friday 24th; (2315)-2330-0100
Mary Ann Kennedy expands our horizons.

The Goodies and the Beanstalk is on B2 at 0025 but I had the misfortune of seeing that the other year and it is really a bit on the crap side. Face it, you were wrong to think it was funny. You were young and naïve. You're a better person now. Let that be amusement enough.


Go with the World Service, which has MI6 - a Century in the Shadows followed by Science in Action. After the 0200 News, check the reindeer-traps and then...


Father Ted: Christmas Special
More4; Saturday 25th; 0215-0330
Happy Christmas! This was also on at midnight if you'd rather turn in early.


Take 10 minutes to use the toilet.


The Short and Curlies
Film4; Saturday 25th; 0340-0400
1987 comedy short by Mike Leigh.


4Music's Top 20 is on C4+1 and takes us to 0545. We can then go and make some breakfast.

Bill Turnbull's less enticing Breakfast is on B1 from 0600. That's followed at 0900 by an ep of The Sarah Jane Adventures  (Death of the Doctor).

A CHRISTMAS CHOICE

Watch Shaun the Sheep on B1. Then: CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING
ON CHANNEL 4 (+1)

FILM: The Muppet Christmas Carol
Brian Henson, 1992
Channel 4+1; Saturday 25th; 0950-1130
You could watch it on C4 an hour earlier if you'd rather.

The Simpsons
Simpson Christmas Stories
Channel 4+1; Saturday 25th; 1130-1200

Adam and Joe's Christmas Special
 BBC 6 Music; Saturday 25th; 1000-1300
You could just download the mp3 instead.

Listen to Newshour on the World Service, breaking away ten minutes before the end, for:

FILM: Lawrence of Arabia
David Lean, 1962; 3pts
Fiver; Saturday 25th; 1250-1710
A more Christmassy film I can't bring to mind.

Radio 3 has the first of a 2-part review of the year's output of The Early Music Show. Then at 1400, Mark Radcliffe and Stuart Maconie present a Christmas quiz-show: Game of Two Halves.

Birmingham Royal Ballet's Cinderella
BBC 2; Saturday 25th; 1500-1700
New production of the Prokofiev ballet.
Repeated tomorrow, 1900, B4.
A CHOICE OF LISTENING
Kenny Everett's
Christmas Selection Box
BBC Radio 2; Saturday 25th; 1700-1900
To celebrate the 66th anniversary of Everett's birth, Paul Gambaccini presents "a clever 'new' show combining pop oldies and archive clips of Everett with modern music that he might have liked". Pfh...
 Dave Podmore's
History of the Ashes in 100 Objects
BBC Radio 4; Saturday 25th; 1700-1730
  Cricketing comedy.
The Private Life of a Christmas Masterpiece:
The Adoration of the Christ Child
BBC 2; Saturday 25th; 1710-1800
Painted by Filippo Lippi.
Listen to iPM on R4.
CHRISTMAS DAY EVENING ON BBC 1

Doctor Who
A Christmas Carol
BBC 1; Saturday 25th; 1800-1900
This year's Christmas Special will hopefully attempt to find an original way of rehashing Dickens' seasonal beast.
Repeated tomorrow, 1900, B3.

Strictly Come Dancing
BBC 1; Saturday 25th; 1900-2000
Vince Cable smashes the system from within.
Join BBC 1 in time for Strictly... →

COMEDY ON BBC 2

Dad's Army
For the Love of Three Oranges
BBC 2; Saturday 25th; 2000-2035
Work-worthy hammocking material.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
BBC 2; Saturday 25th; 2035-2120
A Merry Kwelfnuve Kweznuz to you all.

Graze on Newshour on the World Service until 2150.

A CHOICE FOR SOME

Listen to the end of Newshour.
 FILM: Carry on Screaming
Gerald Thomas, 1966; 1pt
ITV 3; Saturday 25th; 2150-2345
Not the amazing work some might have you believe, but adequate entertainment all the same. Another classic Christmas movie.

Come Fly with Me
BBC 1; Saturday 25th; 2200-2230
Lucas and Walliams' latest effort; let us hope it is more Rock Profile than Little Britain. If not, you know how to get to YouTube.

Hammock with BBC News and Paterson Joseph reading the Gospel of John in On Christmas Night on B1. Switch to R7 for another short: The Curse of the Cult of Thoth, before:

Test Match Special
4th Test, 1st day
BBC Radio 4 LW / 5 Live Sports Extra;
Saturday 25th; 2300-0700
Melbourne plays host to the fourth Ashes test and all the Christmas cake you can eat.

Hammock with News 24.

FILM: Carrie
Brian De Palma, 1976; 3pts
Channel 4; Sunday 26th; 0010-0155
The schedulers continue to confuse Christmas with Halloween. It could be worse: if you're a John Cleese fan, you'll be pleased to see A Fish Called Wanda going head to head with Clockwise tonight (B1, 0025-0215 v I1, 0140-0305).

← Join the Test Match.

Ashes Breakfast
BBC Radio 5 Live; Sunday 26th; 0700-0945-(1000)
Boxing Day fun for all the family.


Leave early and watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit on B1 at 0945. Then switch to C4 for The Simpsons. You can do worse than Guess with Jess at 1145 on CBeebies. Three quarters of Newshour on the World Service will then take us up to:



DAVID LEAN DICKENS' ON MORE4

FILM: Great Expectations
David Lean, 1946; 2pts
More4; Sunday 26th; 1245-1500

FILM: Oliver Twist
David Lean, 1948; 2pts
More4; Sunday 26th; 1500-1715
Every year we get these two. Every fucking year...


Join Jarvis Cocker on B6. Then listen to World Briefing on the World Service. One of the Ghost Stories of Walter de la Mare Crewe on R7 gets us to 1900.
A CHOICE OF REPEATS
If you didn't see Doctor Who yesterday,
watch it now on B3.		 If you didn't see Birmingham Royal Ballet's Cinderella,
watch it now on B4.
Drama on 3:
The Marriage of Figaro,
by Beamarchais
 BBC Radio 3; Sunday 26th; 2000-2200
Adapted and directed by David Timson.

A SECOND LEVEL OF CHOICE
Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads
 Five; Sunday 26th; 2100-2200
1974 Christmas Special.
Repeated tomorrow, 1400.
 		FILM: No Country for Old Men
Coen Brothers, 2007
More4; Sunday 26th; 2100-2320

Other worthy films in the same slot:

Slumdog Millionaire (M4, 2105-2325)

Gremlins (I2, 2100-2315)
A THIRD LEVEL OF CHOICE
Cricket: The Ashes
 ITV 4; Sunday 26th; 2200-2300
Highlights of yesterday's play.
 Listen to the World Service.

(If one were so inclined one might prefer to watch Gremlins on I2+1, 2200-0015, as opposed to the given selection)
FILM: Farewell, My Lovely
(a.k.a. Murder, My Sweet)
 Edward Dmytryk, 1944; 5pts
BBC 4; Sunday 26th; 2240-0010
A classic knob of noir, much beloved.
Test Match Special
 4th test; 2nd day
BBC Radio 4 LW / 5 Live Sports Extra;
Sunday 26th; 2300-0700
Another night of cake-fueled debauchery.

Alternatively, if day one hasn't gone too well, you might want to delay events by watching Tremors on I4 (2300-0055).

Subsequent respite is offered by Alien →
Hammock with the cricket.
Hammock with the cricket.

Alien
 Ridley Scott, 1979; 4pts
E4; Monday 27th; 0115-0330
or
E4+1; Monday 27th; 0215-0430
 It may make a compelling break from all things Ashen.

← Return to the cricket.
Today
BBC Radio 4,  Monday 27th; (0600)-0700-0900
Guest editor: Diana Athill, memoirist.

Start the Week
BBC Radio 4,  Monday 27th; 0900-0945
A celebration of 40 years of Start the Week, with Richard Baker and Melvyn Bragg helping Andrew Marr blow out the candles.


    

It being a Bank Holiday, there's not a great deal on this morning. How about an ep of Friends followed by The Simpsons on C4? Postman Pat on CBeebies at 1040 takes us to 1100 when there's a doc on R4 entitled Plumbers and Penguins. After that, watch Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? on I2+1, followed by Harry Hill's Best of Christmas TV Burp. It is now 1315. Afternoon on 3 will keep us busy until 1700, though we need to jump ship five minutes early for:


FILM: A Matter of Life and Death
Powell & Pressburger, 1946; 3pts
Film4,  Monday 27th; 1655-1855
I could schedule these predictable films in my sleep. This thing's always on.

Watch C4N then get some tea before Enchanted comes on B3 (1920). At 2100 listen to Newshour on the World Service.

Charlie Brooker's 2010 Wipe
BBC 2,  Monday 27th; 2200-2300
Pick of the year's TV from the poacher-turned-gamekeeper.
The Ashes highlights are on I4 at the same time.
NOT A REAL CHOICE
Test Match Special
BBC Radio 4 LW / 5 Live Sports Extra,
Monday 27th; 2300-0700
Christmas miracles in action. 		Never Mind the Buzzcocks, repeated from Tuesday 21st, fills a gap on B2 to:
The Goodies
Series 5, Ep.8: Lighthouse Keeping Loonies
BBC 2,  Monday 27th; 2330-0000
Given that last week's episodes were not as billed (not as Billed!), this could be anything.
← Now return to the cricket.
Today
BBC Radio 4; Tuesday 28th; (0600)-0700-0900
Guest edited by Colin Firth, who has a film to sell.

Fry's English Delight
Winter Special: Word Games
 BBC Radio 4; Tuesday 28th; 0900-0930
A "Winter Special" about word games.
  

Horrible Histories on CBBC gets us to 1000. Then we can watch what appears to be the 1995 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice (tying up with Today therefore) on UKTV Yesterday. This is 6 hours of Empire-waisted frolics and we don't disembark until 1600.
R3 will receive us then for the last hour of Afternoon on 3. At 1700, PM and the Six o'Clock News will keep us quiet on R4. Then we can watch the BBC News on B1 by way of comparison. A repeat of Ep.3 of Brian Cox's Wonders of the Solar System warms the cockles of the soul on B4 from 1900.

The Royal Institution Christmas Lectures
 BBC 4; Tuesday 28th; 2000-2100
This Christmas PSB institution has been something of a hot sprout in recent years, and now, after stints at C5 and (briefly) More4, it finally returns to the BBC, albeit in the shadowy shed that is BBC4. Putting the lectures on in the evening is a very good idea (C5's originally), given that the daytime airings were always lost in the schedules. Trouble with the evening is that that's when soaps are on, so kids can't get to see the lecture while mum and dad are in Coronation Street. Thankfully, the 8pm slot does not clash with any soaps. But one does have to wonder if 8-9pm might perhaps be just a touch late for the junior audience. It is, alas, another example of the scheduler's disinterest. Also, we've fallen from five episodes to three; perhaps ironic given that this year's subject is the importance of size. Dr Mark Miodownik presents.

Newshour on the World Service eases us to The Ashes highlights on I4 (2200-2300).
THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE
Test Match Special
BBC Radio 4 LW / 5 Live Sports Extra;
Tuesday 28th; 2300-0700
Day 4, assuming there's anything left to play.
 On B2 we can watch 2010 Unwrapped with Miranda Hart.
The Goodies
BBC 2,  Tuesday 28th; 0000-0030
May or may not involve disco fever.
← Now return to the cricket.




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