EPISODE NOUGHT: A NEW SOAP
Setting:
A corridor in a
student accommodation block in the University of York, UK, 1998.
Note: Much of Episode Nought was added later, so as to provide a better start to the soap.
0:03
- Barnie is Killed
The bloody and mutilated corpse of
the corridor's cleaning lady, BARNIE NIELSEN, is found in the lift.
0:10
- The Explosion
BABYSHAM is pitched in a laser battle
with LEON PROTZNEDVIC, and ECONOMICS is strapped up as a suicide bomb.
Amidst the chaos, MIDGE WAINWRIGHT flicks an anonymous switch on the
kitchen
wall, and everything is engulfed in a fireball.
EPISODE ONE: THE CRYSTAL OF ENDERON
Setting:
Predominantly set in
a futuristic anti-matter dimension.
Note: This episode was built up from a series of e-mails, and is lacking somewhat in finesse, comprehensibility and stage direction. There's perhaps a few too many in-jokes, too.
1:01
- Reanimation
Most of the students are brought
back to life by secret government organisation MI7.
1:08
- Chris and Craig Meet
CHRIS CARTWRIGHT and CRAIG BRANWELL,
we are told, are regenerations of James Bond whose polar values are
opposed.
When they meet in Vienna in 1998, they cause a tear in time and space,
and somehow, JIM BARRETT, LEON PROTZNEDVIC, ALEX JEFFERSON and STEW
JESTER
are sucked through this tear, as are one or two other cast members.
1:21
- Omra Grooms Jim
OMRA teaches JIM BARRETT in the ways
of the Power of Greyskull and explains that Jim's destiny lies in
destroying
SIDDOR.
EPISODE TWO: THE SEARCH FOR TOSH
Setting:
Predominantly set in
a curious television reality, including Heaven.
Note: This episode suffers from many of the same problems as the last one.
2:04
- The Monkey Limb
ALEX JEFFERSON finds a monkey limb
which grants three wishes. As a consequence, JIM BARRETT, ALEX
JEFFERSON
and STEW JESTER find themselves safely back home, with SARAH MICHELLE
GELLAR
for company.
2:14
- Trapped Inside the Television
The students learn that they've
become
so engrossed in "Sunset Beach" and "Buffy" that they've literally got
sucked
in to the telly.
2:26
- The Retune
The viewer becomes disinterested
and starts flicking through channels, causing the students a degree of
chaos. But out of this chaos, they find a way home in the form of a
Cross
Dimensional Portal. Unfortunately, they are attacked by various
unpleasant
things. MIDGE WAINWRIGHT is killed, JIM BARRETT is forced to
regenerate,
and ALEX JEFFERSON is lost in the static of an untuned set.
EPISODE THREE: FRED HARRIS
Setting:
Still in the telly.
Note: Once this episode kicks in, it is, I think, something of an improvement on the previous two, if only because the in-jokes are running out. Still, it doesn't make a great deal of sense without an understanding of '80s childrens' television.
3:02
- The Twelve Tasks
The students make a deal with ROD
OF MAYGAR and JANE OF ALGOR to help them complete twelve tasks in
exchange
for help finding ALEX JEFFERSON. The deal turns out to be a bit rubbish
for the students.
3:11
- Chock-a-Block
The students help the Nordic Gods
locate Fred Harris, but it is an evil doppelganger who entrances the
collective
with his mesmerising Chock-a-Block. The students end up gibbering,
dribbling
wrecks, glued to the video-screen. Fortunately they are rescued by the
Good Fred Harris who opens a portal that will transport them back home.
EPISODE FOUR: THE CARIBBEAN SPECIAL
Setting:
The high seas of the
Caribbean.
Note: This episode is a birthday present for BABYSHAM, and takes place in a dead-end reality that is not directly connected to the main story-arc. It mirrors the trend for straight-to-video soap storylines that were curiously popular at the time.
EPISODE FIVE: THE PREQUEL
Setting:
"A long time ago in
a Driffield council estate..."
Note: This episode is another curio. In it, the cast play characters from the Enderon mythology, which makes up a sort of back-story to the soap. For instance, Ewan McGregor (STEW JESTER) plays OMRA, and Frank Skinner (JIM BARRETT) plays SIDDOR. A more worthwhile read than Ep4.
EPISODE SIX: JIM v SIDDOR
Setting:
York, 1999.
Note: This episode is much more character driven, which is an improvement. There's still too many Star Wars gags, but it's getting better. Essentially, things are building up to the final showdown between JIM BARRETT and SIDDOR.
6:01
- Alex Kills Stew
ALEX JEFFERSON kills STEW JESTER
for being a demon. At the funeral, GOD leaves his daughter SALLY with
the
students to keep her out of his way.
6:13
- Caroline Gives Birth
CAROLINE BURNHOLM gives birth to
PERCY THE PINEAPPLE.
EPISODE SEVEN: THE FINAL EPISODE
Setting:
York and Hell.
Note: Back in the e-mail days, this was a feature-length final episode. It's now the shortest, thanks to the re-jigging of everything. A lot of the first half of this is just past cast-members performing sketches at an end-of-series variety show. Threaded through is the final confrontation with SIDDOR. The second half is a string of trailers for the next episode. As a result, this isn't a very cohesive episode. It's really just a string of sketches.
7:17
- The Final Confrontation with Siddor
Determined to defeat SIDDOR, the
students end up getting killed by him. The one exception is LEON
PROTZNEDVIC,
who kills Siddor. Following their deaths, the students are given cushy
spots in Hell by their late colleague STEW JESTER.
EPISODE EIGHT: TWELVE NAUGHTY GEESE
Setting:
York, 2000.
Note: This was the first episode to be conceived of as a 1½hr unit, as opposed to a string of e-mails. But it lacks a certain something and is badly paced.
8:08
- The Goose Crisis
Geese are holding the Earth to
ransom.
Unless they are given control of the Earth, they will blow it up (this
will also destroy Heaven and Hell). MI7 arrange for the students to be
released from Hell (albeit with a chaperone) in order to defeat the
geese
and save the world.
8:26
- The Barbican Crush
ALAN QUINN finds himself in a goose
worshiping cult ritual, during which a throng of people are quite
deliberately
crushed by the hoistable seating in the Barbican Theatre (which turns
out
to be a space-ship). The conductors of this ritual are revealed to be
MI7.
8:30
- The Central Hall Double-Crosses
ALAN QUINN, determined to maintain
his freedom from Hell, kills some cast members. Then the geese
double-cross
MI7, and after a big fight, the Earth blows up and everyone gets
splattered
across space. For a more thorough analysis of the events in Ep8, see here.
EPISODE NINE: TARDIS DOWN
Setting:
The Stargate, The
Barbican
and Planet F34.
Note: This was the most considered episode of ANS to date, and tries to recapture some of the mood of the original run, but with a good deal more competence. It struggles to break free of the quagmire of time-travel, and just about manages it.
9:12
- The Barbican Crush Mk.2
JIM BARRETT regenerates and travels
back in time to set right the events of last episode. This time, things
go a little better, but the rigged up seating eventually collapses, and
the crowd once again gets squished. The Earth gets blown up again, too,
but at least the students and MI7 escape.
9:19
- Planet F34 Detente
The party visit Planet F34 in search
of women, but only find a future JIM BARRETT and a working Tardis.
SARAH
MICHELLE GELLAR sees the opportunity to take the dead students back to
Hell where they belong, but goes a bit barmy in the process. After
shooting
ALEX JEFFERSON in the stomach, she is pacified by LEON PROTZNEDVIC's
shovel.
"BABYSHAM" SPIN-OFF SERIES
Setting:
a Hellish Sheffield.
Note: "Babysham" takes ANS up a gear with a complicated plot that starts off prosaic and builds up into something monsterous. It was the best of the series so far.
Babysham
6 - The Assasination of God
The "Babysham" series concludes with
a complicated assassination plot in which LEON PROTZNEDVIC kills GOD,
BHUVANA
and Satan before ascending in a flying saucer. The exact allegiances
involved
in the plot are hard to pin down, but JIM BARRETT seems to be involved
in one way or another, as are many other ANS characters.
EPISODE TEN: ANSX
Setting:
a Hellish Sheffield,
Heaven, York/Palestine.