2009 - Moscow

To Mother Russia, then, for a good kicking ahead of an evening of high camp. Leading the stakes in that regard were ever-macho Greece: Eurovision veteran Sakis Rouvas riding atop a travellator and gyrating to the first song of the night that's really any good: a relentlessly uplifting club anthem. "This is our night", he tells us through his head-set mic. He's wrong, but it's not a bad effort all the same. The travellator stuff is great, especially at the end when it opens up, stapler-like, raising our singer and revealing the Greek flag beneath.

Despite a Nirvana-ish start, Turkey's entry, "Düm Tek Tek" proved a reversion to their "type A" formula: a red-clad belly-dancer doing a harem-girl take on modern up-beat 'R&B'. It's all pleasantly feisty: a twitchy little verse and matching chorus joined at the hip by an out-of-control escalator of a bridge.

Moldova took the trad-folk/skronk route, like Leningrad Cowboys but with less humour. It's all very shouty and dancy, as one might hope, and is delivered by a sort of national dress version of Gina G. It makes you wonder if perhaps the only way the UK might win again would be to do a rave-beat morris-dance. Also in national dress were Armenia, outfitted like extras from a Paradjanov film while writhing sensually on a dais to a pleasingly slinky number with a punchy bassline. "Everybody move your body", they suggest, like some medieval Zager Band. It's hard not to follow their advice. An entertaining change section in the middle adds a kick of eastern charm to proceedings in what is a rather fetching performance.

"You are sexy bum bum", Svetlana seems to say as she gyrates around her giant hamster-wheel climbing-frames surrounded by bare-chested Roman legionaries. As a spectacle this takes some beating: as the grimy bass-line and ethnically-tinged brass flourishes of the verse give way to the pounding, tit-wiggling flaunt of the chorus, so our intrepid vocalist gets hurled about by her loyal troops and shakes her stuff most impressively. At one point she even takes to the drums, on a kit that is being hauled across stage by her soldiers. As Laibach-esque pistons pump up and down on the video-walls it becomes apparent that this is one of the greatest performances Eurovision has ever seen; and a cracking song to boot: a song that deserves time in the charts and could stand aside anything Britney or Lady Ga-Ga might care to throw our way. A masterpiece with a sexy bum.

Europe preferred the retro stylings of Norway: impish pretty-boy fiddler Alexander Rybak with his bouncing "Puppet on a String" knees-up. The backing vocalists are quite amusing; the back-flipping dancers less-so (at one point they pathetically kick some hats that have been suspended on mic-stands). Rybak is either charming or irritating, depending on your tolerance of cheeky winkers, and the same goes for the song.


For each year's songs we apply our points in the 12-10-8 style of the modern contest, irrespective of how the voting functioned at the time. In brackets is the position the song came on the night:

HERE ARE THE VOTINGS
OF THE AVIEW JURY:
12pts
(12th)

UKR
Svetlana Loboda
"Be My Valentine! (Anti-Crisis Girl)"
10pts
(10th)

ARM
Inga and Anush
"Jan Jan" (Ջան Ջան)
8pts
(7th)

GRE
Sakis Rouvas
"This Is Our Night"

7pts
(14th)

MDA
Nelly Ciobanu
"Hora din Moldova"

6pts
(4th)

TUR
Hadise
"Düm Tek Tek"

5pts
(3rd)

AZE
AySel and Arash
"Always"
4pts
(=23rd)

ESP
Soraya Arnelas
"La noche es para mí"
3pts
(21st)

SWE
Malena Ernman
"La voix"
2pts
(25th)

FIN
Waldo's People
"Lose Control"
1pt
(9th)

BIH
Regina
"Bistra voda"

Europe voted Norway as their winner, with Iceland second, the UK fifth, Estonia sixth, France eighth, Russia eleventh, Denmark 13th, Portugal 15th, Israel 16th, Albania 17th, Croatia 18th, Romania 19th, Germany 20th, Malta 22nd and Lithuania joint-23rd.

Svetlana Loboda

One of her cohort admires
Svetlana's sexy bum bum.


Sébastien Tellier

Inga and Anush move their bodies.


Hadise

Hadise feels her heart go Düm Tek Tek.


Nelly Ciobanu

Moldova invite us to
their equivalent of a ceilidh.


Sakis Rouvas

Sakis Rouvas rides atop his giant stapler.


Alexander Rybak

Europe's winner: Norwegian fol-de-troll.


POLITICS
Telephone voting being generally considered to be a bit dodgy, national juries were reintroduced to provide 50% of the vote.

Georgia withdrew in protest against the war in South Ossetia. Inspired by its win in the junior contest (including a 12pt award from Russia) it revoked its withdrawal, only to have its chosen song excluded for containing political references. Georgia disputed this, citing pressure from Russia as the real reason for the exclusion (although the entrants themselves admitted a deliberate anti-Putin message), and so withdrew for a second time.

Spain got into some trouble (and elicited a wide range of conspiracy theories) for broadcasting their elected semi-final on a tape delay of over an hour.

A gay pride event, held in Moscow the day before the final, was somewhat violently broken up by police. The most overt reference to this during the contest appears to have been the Swedish spokesperson's wearing of a rainbow dog-tag; there wasn't exactly a massive demonstration of solidarity.

In August 2009, Azerbaijan's Ministry of National Security reportedly questioned a selection of the 43 Azerbaijanis who had voted for the Armenian entry, accusing them of being "unpatriotic" and "a potential security threat".


Let's now take a snapshot of how the various nations did over the course of the 2000s. For the sake of comparison, the top ten places in the final official standings for each contest are assigned 12-10-8 style points. In the case of a tie for place, the nation that received the highest individual score from a single jury takes the place, and if no resolution is forthcoming from this method then the benefit goes to that nation which our own jury scored the higher. Any ties in the final tally are broken by average performance, and where that is the same they are broken by highest annual placing.

Alongside the '00s snapshot, we'll also take a look at the running total since 1957. Change since the '90s tally is given in brackets.

2000s PERFORMANCE

1957-2009 PERFORMANCE
AVIEW JURY

EUROPE
AVIEW JURY
EUROPE
52pts
▲15

SWE
1

RUS
49pts
▲27

218pts
=

ESP
1

GBR
309pts
=
49pts
NEW

UKR
2

GRE
46pts
▲19

187pts
=

GER
2

FRA
237pts
=
45pts
=

GRE

3

TUR
38pts
▲17

188pts
=

FIN
3

IRL
199pts
=
45pts
=

TUR
4

UKR
36pts
NEW

150pts
▲8

SWE
4

SWE
181pts
▲1
42pts
▲2

ESP
5

SRB
31pts
NEW

149pts
▲6

TUR
5

GER
170pts
▼1
40pts
▲20

SLO
6

EST
31pts
▲8

148pts
▲2

GBR
6

ITA
144pts
=
34pts
▲4

GBR
7

SWE
30pts
▼4

141pts
▼1

ISR
7

SUI
141pts
=
30pts
▼2

CRO
8

NOR
27pts
▼3

140pts
▼4

NED
8

LUX
133pts
=
25pts
▲25

BIH
9

LAT
26pts
NEW

135pts
▼4

POR
9

ESP
129pts
=
22pts
▼2

FIN
10

MLT
25pts
▼3

122pts
▲8

GRE
10

ISR
120pts
▲1
19pts
▼10

CYP
11

DEN
23pts
▲5

115pts
▼4

DEN
11

DEN
115pts
▲1
17pts
NEW

LAT

12

ROU
18pts
▲18

114pts
▼2

AUT
12

NED
115pts
▼2
16pts
NEW

ARM
13

FRA
16pts
▼9

113pts
▼4

BEL
13

NOR
110pts
▲2
15pts
▲17

MLT

14

ARM
14pts
NEW

100pts
▲1

NOR
14

BEL
98pts
=
15pts
NEW

MDA

15

GBR
14pts
▼13

96pts
▼2

SUI
15
MON
89pts
▼2
14pts
▲2


ISL

16

ISL
13pts
▼4

91pts
▼2

LUX
16

AUT
75pts
=
14pts
=

RUS
17

BIH
13pts
▲9

90pts
▼1

ITA
17

GRE
72pts
▲4
12pts
▼4

GER

18

FIN
12pts
▲16

86pts
▼1

YUG
18

MLT
59pts
=
9pts
NEW

ALB
19

GER
12pts
▼8

85pts
=

FRA
19

YUG
56pts
▼2
9pts
▼7

NOR
20

ESP
12pts
▼11

76pts
=

MON
20

RUS
51pts
▲11
8pts
▲8

HUN
21

AZE
11pts
NEW

75pts
▲1

CYP
21

TUR
48pts
▲6
8pts
▼5

FRA
22

CYP
11pts
▼5

59pts
▲1

CRO
22

EST
45pts
▲3
8pts
NEW

AZE
23
BEL
10pts
▲1

58pts
▼2

IRL
23
FIN
42pts
▼4
7pts
NEW

BLR
24
ISR
9pts
▼18

49pts
NEW

UKR
24
CYP
38pts
▼4
7pts
▼23

ISR
25
BUL
6pts
NEW

45pts
▲6

SLO
25
UKR
36pts
NEW
6pts
▼14

AUT
26
MDA
6pts
NEW

37pts
▼2

ISL
26
ISL
34pts
▼2
4pts
▲5

LTU
27
IRL
6pts
▼26

29pts
▼2

RUS
27
SRB
31pts
NEW
3pts
▼6

BEL
28
BLR
5pts
NEW

28pts
▼2

MLT
28
CRO
28pts
▼6
2pts
NEW

SRB
29
AUT
5pts
▼2

25pts
▲7

BIH
29
LAT
26pts
NEW
1pt
NEW

BUL
30
LTU
5pts
▲1

17pts
NEW

LAT
30
POR
25pts
▼7
1pt
▼6

EST
31
SLO
4pts
▼8

16pts
NEW

ARM
31
ROU
18pts
▲3
1pt
▼5

ROU
32
ALB
4pts
NEW

15pts
NEW

MDA
32
BIH
17pts
▼2
0pts
NEW

GEO
33
POL
4pts
▼14

11pts
=

HUN
33
ARM
14pts
NEW
0pts
▼14

POL
34
CRO
3pts
▼24

10pts
▼7

POL
34
POL
14pts
▼8
0pts
▼14

SUI
35
SUI
3pts
▼20

9pts
NEW

ALB
35
AZE
11pts
NEW
0pts
▼31

NED
36
HUN
2pts
▼14

8pts
NEW

AZE
36
HUN
9pts
▼8
0pts
▼27

POR
37
GEO
0pts
NEW

7pts
NEW

BLR
37
SLO
9pts
▼8
0pts
▼10

IRL
38
NED
0pts
▼25

7pts
▼10

SVK
38
BUL
6pts
NEW
0pts
▼16

MKD
39
POR
0pts
▼21

6pts
▼10

MKD
39
MDA
6pts
NEW
0pts
▼21

DEN
40
MKD
0pts
▼11

6pts
▼10

EST
40
BLR
5pts
NEW






5pts
▼9

ROU
41
LTU
5pts
▼6






4pts
▼7

LTU
42
ALB
4pts
NEW






2pts
NEW

SRB
43
MAR
0pts
▼10






1pt
NEW

BUL
44
GEO
0pts
NEW






1pt
▼11

MAR
45
SVK
0pts
▼9






0pts
NEW

GEO
46
MKD
0pts
▼14

Revolution in Europe has led to a revolution in the decade chart: the top for both ourselves and Europe is a mass of risers and the odd new entry. The highest new entry for both of us is the Ukraine (we gave them four top-three placings, and they only missed points from us in 2005 when they were coasting after their victory in 2004), and we're both impressed with Latvia and Armenia, although we disagree somewhat on the values of Serbia (Serbia & Montenegro is incorporated in the Serbian score; adding the Serbian score to the Yugoslavian does not alter our overall chart). In real life, Russia has clearly had a very good decade, taking the top place in the European 2000s chart. They perform far less excitingly in our tally, though by no means badly. There's perhaps a little more to their Eurovision success than merely their gas provision and military might.

Much has been said about the power of the Eastern European block vote. Let's examine this notion. We'll start by arranging the nations into four arbitrary regional groups: Scandinavia (including Iceland and Finland), the Mediterranean (that collection of Mediterranean nations joining since the 1970s, principally Greece, Turkey, Cyprus and Israel), Western Europe (pretty much everything from Portugal and Ireland across to Austria) and the East (everything else, from the former Yugoslavia, across the Eastern Bloc and into Asia). A statistical analysis of the points hauls from the last decade shows the following: We gave Western Europe an average of about 4 points per nation more than the actual juries of Europe, while they gave 2pts more to the Scandinavian nations. There was little to choose between our Mediterranean scoring (about 25pts each). For the East, we gave about 12pts per nation over the decade, to Europe's 13pts per nation (an insignificant variation). Assuming our tastes to be the true mark of quality (which clearly they are), it can be seen that the perceived Eastern bias is actually a fair representation of the musical talents of the Eastern Bloc. Our difference of opinion is not on the Eastern question but on the merits of Western Europe against Scandinavia. It is to the North, and not to the East, that the Western nations have been losing votes.

If one should dare to disagree with the (admittedly somewhat Easterly-pitched) tastes of the AView jury one may well like to point out that an Eastern bias is almost inevitable when you consider that the two Easterly groups comprise ten more nations than the Westerly (25 to 15). The very fact that there are more Eastern nations voting than there are Western means that the East has a greater say in the outcome of the contest. It is indisputable that certain styles of music have particular territories of popularity; not merely on an ethnic level (although that naturally plays its role). A shared culture implies shared tastes. Let us not forget the massive success of the Alpine block in the early years of the competition, for very much the same reason that Eastern Europe is having success at the moment: a tight mass of nations with a necessarily intertwined heritage.

But enough of that sort of thing. Let's cast our eyes to the overall leaderboards. There's been really very little change in the official standings, mainly because there's been very little scored by the established nations. Austria in 16th place marks something of a breakwater where no traffic has crossed in the last ten years. Everything above has stayed above, and everything below likewise. A similar breakwater exists in our own chart in the form of 20th place Monaco. Our placings have been a bit more fluid than Europe's, although the top is equally concrete. Spain have now begun to pull away from Germany (though Germany would be closer were we to include the 1956 result). In the real world, the UK's fifteen second-places give them a comfortable, near-unassailable lead, over 70 points ahead of rivals France and nearly 100 points more than Spain have in the lead of our own chart.

Applying the same regional groups as we did in our analysis of voting trends in the 2000s, we see that, overall, Europe have given an average of 22 points per nation more than we have to the countries of Western Europe, but only 1pt more to those of Eastern Europe. We on the other hand have put 29 points per nation more than Europe in the pockets of the Mediterranean nations, and have given the Scandinavian nations 22 points per nation more than they received in real life. As far as individual nations are concerned, Finland have been grossly under-rated by Europe and the UK grossly over-rated. Serbia, Estonia and Ireland have, on average, been even more over-rated than the UK. Portugal and Turkey have been underscored by Europe to the order of about 5pts per entry. Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Iceland, Monaco, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden have come out roughly the same in both our analysis and the European voting.


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